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Similarities in My Childhood and Master’s Way of Doing Things

December 31st, 2013

MeGaggedWhen I was a kid, and I’d do something wrong for the first time, my parents would do this thing where they’d sit me down and talk to me about it. They’d say something like, “Okay, kid, what’s going on? You know you’re not supposed to do this (for whatever reason), but you did it anyway. We could have avoided this if you just obeyed. What gives?”

And I’d stare at them and wonder what the hell they were looking for. I mean, obviously, if I knew it was wrong, and I did it anyway, it’s for one of three reasons.

a) I wanted to see what would happen.
b) I don’t think what I did is wrong (for whatever reason).
c) I don’t care that it’s wrong.

It seemed pretty obvious to me. And what difference did it make why I did it? Bottom line was I eschewed the rules. I was a rebellious teenager. I probably didn’t want to talk about it because my parents never understood me, anyway. Just dole out your punishment and leave me alone!

And they usually did. I mean, what else could they do? I wouldn’t talk about it; wasn’t even willing to apologize most of the time. In fact, I was almost always angry that they were angry. They’d raised me to think for myself, and yet, here they were telling me what’s right and wrong, and demanding that I just blindly follow their rules without knowing why. Puh-lease.

Master does this, too. The sitting me down and talking to me thing, not the demanding that I blindly follow his rules thing. Though he could totally do that, he generally explains all of his thought processes to me. He’s a Libra, after all. Libras are logical explainers.

Thing is, more often than not, I don’t know why I’m acting out. I’m not unhappy. I don’t feel like he’s letting his ownership slip. And I absolutely do care about making him happy.

I’ll admit, I like poking the bear, but we’re talking a smart-assed remark when it doesn’t matter (meaning no one’s around to hear it, and I’m not already in trouble), or pretending to disobey when he’s in a playful mood. I’ll be damned if I’m going to poo-poo off his rules just to see what will happen. I’ll toe the line, and kick the fence to be sure that he’s there to snatch me back if I feel like his grip is loosening, but direct disobedience isn’t something I do anymore, and especially not just to see what he’ll do. To me, that feels like relationship suicide. It kind of negates the dynamic, ya know?

So the other day, we’re sitting on the couch, and I pop off with something sarcastic for no real reason, and he says, “Er…what the fuck? You’ve been so good lately. Why are you acting out, now?”

I smiled sheepishly, and said, “I have no idea.” Because I didn’t. I wasn’t really annoyed. I had no reason to get smart with him. I certainly have no right.

I’m chalking it up to old habits dying hard. Because for a while, sarcasm was my default. My suit of armor. The way I kept people at arm’s length. And the quickest way to disarm those I viewed as a threat.

Not that I view Master as a threat, but sometimes, he can be overbearing. This leads me to feeling cornered and oppressed, and when faced with a perceived “fight or flight” situation, I will always fight. And I won’t back down without a damn good reason. That’s just part of who I am.

The best part is it’s part of who he is, too. So when we have a disagreement, he stays at me until we work it out, regardless of what the resolution ends up being. It’s bad ass being with someone who cares that much. And it’s been a major impact on my growth as a person. Because when someone’s in your face, refusing to take “I don’t know” for an answer (unless there is, for sure, no other answer), you’ve got no choice but to actually think about the situation and figure out why you feel the way you do.

Before Master (and before I started to really pay attention to my behaviors and emotions), I was stagnant in my emotional growth. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Everything was my way or the highway, and I didn’t even know what “my way” was. Sometimes it changed minute to minute!

It must suck for him, having to raise a fully grown adult. He doesn’t seem to mind, though.

  1. Heaven
    December 31st, 2013 at 18:59 | #1

    You are spot on about us Libras. We like to ask a lot of questions. The who, what, when and the how. I am glad you can handle this not everyone can. Sometimes your way is not always right. We also don’t take no shit either you have to explain yourself and it better be a good damn reason for it.

  2. Camryn
    January 3rd, 2014 at 11:32 | #2

    That’s really cool. I was raised by my mom and she never accepted “I don’t know” as an answer. She’d even make me go write about it if need be. (We both knew writing was theraputic for me.) I know exactly how it feels to be held accountable, not only for your actions, but for the thought processes behind your actions.
    It’s tough, but it made me more stable in the long run. Hopefully it does the same for you 🙂

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