Home > No Stupid (Kink) Questions > No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 20 – Too Submissive for Mistakes?

No Stupid (Kink) Questions: Episode 20 – Too Submissive for Mistakes?

November 11th, 2013

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 20:

A few days ago, I was on Twitter, gabbing away with my kinky friends, when a tweet-rant went by from a kinkster who says they don’t need a punishment dynamic because they never do anything wrong. This kinda made me feel like shit. I do get in trouble from time to time, and I definitely make mistakes. How long will it be before I’m so perfect a submissive that I won’t need a punishment dynamic?

Oh boy. Do I feel your pain. In fact, M and I were discussing this just the other day.

I was settling myself on the couch to play PS3 before the Saints game started. Master turned to me and said, “I’m so sick of reading this shit.” as if we were having a conversation about “this shit” before I joined him in the living room.

I gave him a saucy smile, and asked, “What shit, Daddy?”

“All these people saying, ‘I don’t need to be punished because I never do anything wrong.’ What utter bullshit. Nobody’s that perfect.”

He was truly frustrated, and I had to laugh. This assertion is at least half the reason we started Insatiable Desire. I write about it a lot, and even talked about it in an interview I did, recently, for Clitical.com.

I feel kinda douchey quoting myself, but this, right here, is why this assertion gets under people’s skin:

Putting on a collar doesn’t make you suddenly perfect. Shit happens. People screw up. Even dominants, from time to time, though don’t tell them I said that!

So maybe a person doesn’t feel they want or need punishment to correct their behavior. Maybe the dominant’s disappointment and the result of the mistake is punishment enough. That’s totally fine. Different strokes for different folks, and all that. But I don’t believe, for a second, that they never make mistakes. And if they believe that…man, I feel sorry for them when they finally make one of those mistakes that are permanent and feel like the end of the world. Their ego is going to be crushed.

I’ve known submissives who only see their dominants for a weekend every three months who still couldn’t manage to not make at least one mistake in their domainants’ presence, no matter how hard they tried. I sure as shit don’t believe that live-in submissives never fuck up.

Maybe their definition of “fuck up” is different from mine. Maybe they only have to obey in the bedroom, and things outside of that don’t matter beyond whatever repercussions come of their mistakes. Maybe they only believe that direct disobedience (e.g. lying, ignoring an order, breaking a rule) is deserving of punishment and they don’t directly disobey. I can see that. But that doesn’t mean they don’t make mistakes.

Every aspect of my life is tied to Master, in the long run, from how I act in public, to how I pay the bills, to how I wipe my ass. If I drop the ball at work, I’m disappointing Master because he believes how I perform at work reflects on him, and expects me to perform at my highest capacity at all times. If I mail the rent check out a day late, I’m disappointing Master because he wants the landlord to get our rent on time every month. If I forgot to pick up a spice I needed for dinner, I’m disappointing Master because he expects his food a certain way. If I mouth off to a stranger on the street who was rude to me, I’m disappointing Master because that’s not how he wants me to conduct myself with strangers…no matter how deserving.

Granted, some of the mistakes I make are no big deal, but that does not mean they’re not mistakes, and I haven’t disappointed him, even if the disappointment is minuscule. And honestly, from where I sit, dominants who allow their submissives to believe that there are no consequences for the little mistakes they make are doing themselves a disservice. There are always consequences for your actions. The consequences may not be major, or immediately noticeable, but they exist. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

So, Kinky Questioner, how do I answer your question?

Well, unfortunately, you will never be perfect. Neither will I. Neither will that submissive you saw ranting about how they don’t ever mess up. That doesn’t make you (or me, or them) a bad submissive. It makes you human.

Will you always need a punishment dynamic? That depends entirely on you and your dominant.

Maybe one day, the two of you will decide there’s no need for it anymore. Or maybe you’ll find another way of correcting your behavior when you mess up. Who can say, really? I’m not so good at reading the futures of total strangers.

Me? I will always need a punishment dynamic. It may be because I was raised in a punishment/reward household. It may be because I’m hardheaded. It may be because I like having a distinct “You fucked up. Here are the consequences. Now it’s over, and you’re forgiven.” interaction when I do something wrong. Whatever the reason, I need it. And I’ll be damned if I’ll let the kinky elite make me feel bad about it. I am who I am, and these days, I kinda like me. So fuck them.

And you, dear Kinky Questioner, should adopt the same attitude. Fuck them. All that matters is how you and your dominant feel about the current state of your behavior and your relationship. And since you’re still together, I’m gonna guess you feel pretty good about it…despite your mistakes. That’s pretty rockin’ awesome. Not many people have that. So don’t let the kinky elite change the way you feel about it.


  1. November 12th, 2013 at 19:29 | #1

    I just tried liking this post, but the button doesn’t appear. I wonder if this is a function of my browser – Safari on a Mac. Not sure whether any other users are having trouble.

  2. November 12th, 2013 at 22:51 | #2

    @ Diane Kepler Thanks for letting me know. I’m having the same problem on my iPad. Not sure what’s causing this. Will have to look into it.

  3. November 13th, 2013 at 12:11 | #3

    @ Diane Kepler My amazing Master fixed it! What a pain in the rear. Thanks again for letting me know! 🙂

  4. November 13th, 2013 at 12:12 | #4

    @ Diane Kepler Oh! And it wasn’t the browser. It was something to do with javascript. :/

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