Home > Rayne > Cheating is my trigger.

Cheating is my trigger.

October 4th, 2013
image by Melen - click to enlarge

image by Melen – click to enlarge

I dunno if I’ve mentioned this, but I’m judging e[lust] now. I mean, not right now, but when it’s time, each month, I sit myself at my laptop and dive headlong into reading post after post of sex advice, erotica, and sex bloggers’ conversations with themselves about whatever was on their minds when they wrote the post they submitted. I love doing this because it gives me a reason other than “Oh, I’ve been meaning to check in on soandso.” to stick my nose in everyone else’s life. I am, without a doubt, a voyeur.

On the flip side, this also means I have to read things that piss me the fuck off.

There was a post about…well, I’m not entirely sure what the writer was trying to say, exactly. It seems their main message was that no relationship will ever survive if the people involved only have sex with each other. But some of the points dangerously toed the line of suggesting infidelity1, while others seemed to outright promote it. And I wanted to bang my head on my desk.

I don’t give a fuck what the problem is; infidelity is not the answer. 

This is where a bunch of people usually pipe up, all, “But I had an affair, and my marriage couldn’t be stronger!” And to them I say, “Bully for you.” If M cheated on me, our relationship would never be the same.

Of course, there’s back story. Loads of back story. Isn’t there always?

A major part of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex was emotional. One of his favorite ways to attack me was by cheating on me. I would ask him why; he’d say he felt like it. He’d promise never to do it again. I’d believe him because I wanted to believe I meant something to him. And then, I’d piss him off, or we’d fight over him being out of the house more than in it, and then I’d hear about some girl he was fucking.

The fucking I could get over. I probably could have even, eventually, looked beyond the lying, though nothing pisses me off more than finding out someone’s been pulling the wool over my eyes. But when I realized he was giving those girls things he never gave me, I wanted to cut his balls off. A lot of women say that and mean it in the figurative sense. The only reason my ex still has his balls is because I broke it off for the last time. A friend found flowers in the back of our van that were for a girl he was going on a date with that evening, while telling me he was working on a “surprise” for me.

Right. A surprise.

I’ve bought flowers for some chick and I’m taking her on a date even though I’ve never done either of those things for you. Surprise!

A feminist friend once said to me, “Men rape because they don’t have enough resources. If more women would just fuck them, they’d rape less.” That was right after she told M that all men are rapists, and we all know how I feel about that trope.

People cheat for a plethora of reasons, but among them, you’ll rarely hear, “I needed something different,” unless they were polyamorous2 to begin with, or the relationship is truly over.

More often, the reasons can be summed up with not having the resources necessary to figure out how to communicate their needs to their partner, either sexually or emotionally. This is not an excuse. Just a reason.

I mean, think about it. It’s so much easier to find someone else to grab an intimate moment with than to try to figure out a way to fix things with your partner. There’s no baggage with the new person. No strings attached (in most cases). Just carnal lust and the added bonus of the thrill of the fear of being caught.

And lots of people who get hurt in the process.

But besides that, if you never actually face the problems with your partner, and instead just flit off to someone else’s bed every time things start to go south, nothing’s resolved. You feel good for the moment, but then the old problems come up again because you never addressed them.

Further, I’d assert, here, that adding a third (fourth, tenth) person to a primary relationship when there’s a rift, even with all parties being fully aware, is asking for trouble. Adding another partner when there are troubled waters can cause resentment, jealousy, anger, heartbreak. Generally speaking, new relationships are squeaky clean, shiny, happy places to be. New couples go on lots of dates, buy each other things, laugh a lot, talk a lot, have more sex.

When you and your partner are not sharing any (or many) of those bubbly, warm, loving moments together, watching them have that with someone else can (and often does) destroy your relationship; or at least your respect for them. You start to wonder why the two of you can’t have that. You start to feel like your partner isn’t trying as hard with you as they are with the new person. You start to feel like your partner is better suited to that person than they are to you.

At least…that’s how I’d feel. If M even suggested adding another person to our relationship while we were in turmoil, I’d lose it, slave or not. Because of my previous experiences, my mind instantly goes to, “What can another person provide you that I can’t? Do you think you’ll be happy with them? Why aren’t you happy with me?”

To see someone suggesting to a whole fuckton of people that the way to saving their relationship is fucking someone else, with or without their partner’s knowledge, brings up a lot of old feelings of betrayal, torment, degradation and humiliation (in the bad way), blind rage…

So, cheating is my trigger. Good to know.

1. Defined differently from couple to couple.
2. Yes, I realize there is a difference between polyamory and cheating. However, polyamorous people can still cheat. Depends on the relationship dynamic.

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  1. Camryn
    October 4th, 2013 at 17:34 | #1

    Interesting. Cheating is a common button topush so I likediscussing it, but plenty of people have a gut reaction of “No!” and are unable to ariculate why beyond “I was cheated on.” You seem to have given this some thought, and I get where you’re coming from.
    Also, Hell yes polyamorous people can cheat. Every relationship has rules of engagement.

  2. October 4th, 2013 at 20:14 | #2

    I’ve thought about it a lot. My conclusions were pivotal in my decision to give M the right to be with whoever he wanted as long as he was honest with me about it. 🙂

    @ Camryn

  3. October 10th, 2013 at 23:32 | #3

    Cheating is one of my triggers as well. I only had one boyfriend that cheated on me and I was in Jr high, so it never meant much to me. However, my mom cheated on my dad. It’s why my parents are divorced. (Yes, they still live together, though. Long story.) I saw how it hurt my dad and I knew about it when it was going on. It bothers me when people talk about cheating and laugh it off like it’s a joke. Hell, I got pissed off at the Sons of Anachary show when Jax had sex with someone else while his wife was in jail and that was TV. Cheating makes me angry.

    On a side note: I need to start reading the E[lust] post.

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