Home > Rayne > It’s like all I ever talk about, these days, is how much life sucks.

It’s like all I ever talk about, these days, is how much life sucks.

September 26th, 2013

imageI’m having a bit of an identity crisis, lately.

Master’s hurt his back, and there is fuck all I can do to help him.

We need stuff in the house, but we can’t go shopping because I don’t drive and he’s not allowed. Though the whole process of going to the doctor, getting X-rays, and buying his prescriptions didn’t break us, as we feared, we still don’t have a lot of money, even though we’ve both done side work. Getting the things that would lessen his current pain and the chance of this happening again is so insanely out of our reach it’s depressing.

There’s nowhere comfortable for him to sit or lay in this house. We need a new mattress; the one we have is 11 years old. We need a new couch; the one we have is a shitty futon from WalMart that busted a weld the first time we sat on it because one of the rods was cut too short. We need better kitchen chairs so he can sit comfortably when he works, or to turn the front bedroom into an office. He needs new shoes that are not from WalMart or Payless so there’s actual support.

It all sounds very superficial, and makes me feel gross because I know people who don’t even have a mattress, but if you’ve ever had a back problem, you know how important good furniture and shoes are.

We need to lose weight. We’ve kinda gone backwards. Do you have any idea how hard it is to lose weight when you’re broke? Produce is outrageous and doesn’t last long. Forget protein powder (though I still have no idea why people drink protein shakes instead of eating protein-rich foods…we don’t), fish, beef that is leaner than 80/20, yogurt, granola…you know, all that “healthy” shit you’re supposed to eat. We can’t afford to go anywhere because gas is ridiculous, and he can’t walk around here because he doesn’t have good enough shoes.

It all makes me feel very useless. Like, what am I even doing here? I can’t take care of him the way I feel like I should be, and wouldn’t life be so much easier on him if he had one less mouth to feed?

And of course, then he gets mad at me, and gets all, “You’re not going anywhere, so you can stop coming up with reasons to run away.” on me.

And I’m just all, “Yes, Master.” while feeling very unslavelike because he won’t even let me help him get dressed. That I had to help him out of bed is so very humiliating for him, and I want to pull him to my chest and mother him like a man in his position should be, but it would hurt his back only slightly less than it would hurt his damnable pride.

So, I do what I can. I cook, and I clean, and I dote on him. I help him when he lets me, and try not to let him see how utterly helpless I feel right now. And I repeat that old mantra in my head. “He wouldn’t own me if he didn’t think I was a good slave.”

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  1. September 26th, 2013 at 12:48 | #1

    Oh Rayne, I’m so sorry that you are going through this! We have an extra bed and a couch in the spare bedroom…I’d drive it to you if I could. It’s just taking up space. 🙁

    I know what back pain is like and how uncomfortable furniture just makes it worse. I know this isn’t a “good” solution, but when I hurt my back years ago, I actually slept on the floor, because our mattress was too soft. Also, tho I don’t know if his doctor has contra-indicated it, even short, slow walks helped ease the pain (after the first 5-10 minutes of agony.) It forces the body to loosen the tight muscle contractions that can exacerbate the pain from the injury. And actually my doctor told me to walk barefoot if I could!

    I’m sending you good vibes and virtual hugs.

  2. September 26th, 2013 at 13:32 | #2

    Thanks, I appreciate it.

    The doc hasn’t really suggested anything. The guy is a jackass. I have half a mind to report him to the medical board.

    Unfortunately, M can’t sleep on the floor. Even if there was room for him to stretch out (there really isn’t), he wouldn’t be able to get back up. He has a hard enough time getting off the bed and the couch, though that’s getting better. He paces. I’ve been trying to get him to go for walks, but he’s afraid that he’ll get away from the house and not be able to get back. And since I don’t drive, I can’t really run back to the house and grab the car.

    I’m kicking us both in the pants for putting off getting my driver’s permit. They think it’s degenerative arthritis, which means it’s only going to get worse, so days where he can’t drive are going to eventually become the norm. Bleh.

    Life’s not fair, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

  3. September 26th, 2013 at 13:39 | #3

    Rayne, I know what it feels like, to watch the one you love suffer. I feel your pain. My Miguel has suffered with knee pain since before I met him. His stupid pride won’t let him get a handicapped placard for the car so I get to listen to him complain. He will never be able to play ball with his son. Walking is a chore for him.
    It is not good to be broke. I hate feeling like I “need” stuff and I can’t afford it. It is hard to eat healthy without money. (try drinking more water, it will help you feel full and process foods you do eat faster; plus it is cheap) I laugh at people at work that talk to me about gluten free organic foods. I have 4 kids and don’t live the kind of life that would afford that.
    That man loves you. Don’t give in to feeling useless.

  4. Camryn
    September 26th, 2013 at 14:59 | #4

    What’s gross is that your aren’t able to meet your needs, not that others have needs too. Too many people use that logic to make you feel like you have no right to even point out your problems but that’s bull. Limited mobility and chronic pain add a whole other set of challenges to life, and anyone that acts like it’s not an issue is either oblivious to reality or uncaring.
    My condolences, and I’m sending some positivity towards you and M.

  5. alyson
    September 29th, 2013 at 10:56 | #5

    If he can manage it, walking periodically (just around the house) should help some. People actually hit a point where staying lying in bed will cause the pain to last. If the doctor didn’t tell him, it’s worth calling the office to ask whether heat or cold (or some combination) is better.

    I’ve found that on a limited budget, the best way I can lose weight is really just by sticking very definitively to portion sizes. If you emphasize “filling foods”, it makes keeping to the portions easier (and things like rice, beans, and grains that can be bought fairly inexpensively are filling foods). Obviously the other benefit of sticking to portions is that it means food lasts longer since most people don’t eat actual portions. If you can’t measure with kitchen tools, there are multiple places online that can give you a common object to use as a visual equivalent. They used to use hands, but that doesn’t work so well since hand sizes vary so much. I, personally, will pay the extra for a low-fat meat and cut back on the other things, but I also have health problems that are worse if I don’t have meat regularly. Also, more recent things are saying that frozen vegetables are as healthy as fresh (and are generally much cheaper) so that may be something to think about for getting at least some in.

    I know it’s another cost, but if this is going to be longer-term, it’s probably worth looking at health insurance. You’ll be required to have it as of January, anyway, and when there are chronic issues it can save you loads. I pay ridiculous amounts for health insurance currently (will be paying substantially less as of January on my state’s insurance exchange) and it still saves me money with the prescription coverage, doctors appointments, etc. I have substantially less choice about having coverage since I like being alive and semi-functional, but I’d probably still pay to have at least catastrophic insurance if I was healthy. NY is doing some level of Medicaid expansion so there’s a chance you’d qualify for that rather than actually needing to pay.

    I hope this current flare-up gets better soon for M. Back pain sucks and I’m sure not only is he in pain, but that he’ll be hitting the complete boredom level soon, if he hasn’t already. Good luck.

  6. October 8th, 2013 at 21:23 | #6

    Sorry life is sucky right now.

    And, needing stuff in order to feel comfortable, not be in pain, and to rest properly isn’t shallow.

  7. Heaven
    December 7th, 2013 at 21:49 | #7

    I agree with you. Life does suck at times but don’t forget it always gets better. Keep your head up.

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