Home > Rayne > I AM a survivor.

I AM a survivor.

September 13th, 2013

Image by Melen – click to enlarge

A while back, I said I was going through something, but I stayed pretty vague about it all. I mentioned the boob thing, but I didn’t really go into detail about what was causing it. I don’t like to talk about what I’m going through. I have so many worries surrounding discussing my survivor status.

For example, it’s been eleven years since my ex moved out of our apartment in the middle of the night. If there ever was any evidence of the abuse and sexual assault (aside from unreliable witnesses who were closer to him than me, there wasn’t), it’s gone. If he decided to out himself as my ex, and take me to court for defamation or libel, I have no proof that I’m telling the truth.

Of course, he has no proof that I’m not. Thanks to my semi-anonymity, he also has not been affected by my blog in any way, so I don’t know what he’d be able to claim. But I still worry about that. Even now, I don’t know that I could handle a court case in which I had to rip myself open to keep a total stranger from making me pay him for telling my story. And God only knows why, but I would give just about anything to keep our kids from finding out who their father was back then. Maybe because I don’t want them hurt by him any more than they already have been.

My ex and I were perfect for each other, in that I always blame myself for everything bad that happens in the vicinity of me, and he always blames everyone around him for everything bad that happens to him. I was his scapegoat, and I happily accepted this because I destroy everything I breathe on. Insert giant eyeroll here.

I went on believing everything was my fault, until one day, Master and I were talking about everything that happened, and he said to me, “Rayne, I don’t understand why you seem to think you’re to blame for everything. Sounds to me he had a pretty big hand in it.”

“But he blames me, and I made some pretty bad decisions,” I argued.

“You’re right. You did. But you wouldn’t have had to make at least half those decisions without the decisions he made. If it’s your fault, it’s at least just as much his fault.”

And it just clicked. I just started noticing moments in my memory that were instigated by things my ex did. Then I started remembering things I’d convinced myself I deserved because of one thing or another I’d done that could have been construed as an act of aggression toward my ex.

But then I remember things like the day he chased me around our apartment with a knife while I was eight months pregnant and on bed rest. I remember that time he borrowed money from his mother to pay our rent, and went out and bought clothes for him and one of his boys with it instead. I remember when he blew pretty much all of my money on himself and his friends and lied to me about it, leaving me and his kids living in a motel alone.

No. Not alone. With his friend, who was sleeping with me, to keep an eye on us. On me. To make sure I wasn’t getting help from anyone. Or fucked by anyone.

Deep breath.

Yesterday, I wrote a short overview of all I’ve been through to send to a friend. This morning, I was thinking about it while I made breakfast. And I thought about the time I said I was crazy, and my mom said, “Well, you came by it honestly,” and meant it. And it just clicked.

Dude. I survived that. I survived him. I made it out alive. I made it out.

Wow. That’s pretty fucking bad ass.

  1. September 13th, 2013 at 14:59 | #1


  2. P’Gell
    September 13th, 2013 at 15:02 | #2

    Hugs, Rayne. You’re strong and you’re still here and raising hell. You deserved to get AWAY from him and I’m glad you did.

    Stay strong, Mama.

  3. Camryn
    September 13th, 2013 at 16:51 | #3

    Here’s some applause that you don’t even need, because you’re amazing
    *claps enthusiastically*
    I’m happy that you survived that, that you’re healing, and that you have your kids and your Master. You and your children shouldn’t have had to go through that, but you got out, and you got ~them~ out.
    You’re a hero Rayne Millaray. You saved them too.

  4. September 13th, 2013 at 17:02 | #4

    @ Camryn Unfortunately, I didn’t get them out, and that’s been a major part of my healing process. There was a custody hearing, and the court sided with him even though he’d just gotten out of prison. The state even helped him to get in a position to take the kids in after refusing me any help. But that’s another story for another day.

    As far as I know, he has never been abusive to our children aside from choosing video games and his friends over them (and eventually abandoning them), and the things he did to me never happened in front of them. Thank God for small miracles, I guess.

  5. September 13th, 2013 at 18:41 | #5

    Props. Everyone has a story or battles, but as long as you win the war, that’s what counts.

  6. September 13th, 2013 at 21:28 | #6

    I wouldn’t worry about the court thing at all…why would he want to bring it to everyone’s attention and possibly have them think it was all true? Deep down those kind of men are cowards. I can understand the fear, as I dated someone similar, but I think you needn’t worry. Just keep being a survivor 😉

  7. September 16th, 2013 at 15:42 | #7

    @P’Gell, @TheSinDoll, thank you both, so much. Sinny-sin, that’s about how I feel, too.

    @mala I hope you’re right. Thing is, I only know the old, impulsive him (supposedly, he’s got this under control a bit), and that version of him wouldn’t think it all the way through. He’d just read my blog, and go off and do whatever suited him, without thinking of the potential repercussions to him (or our children). And he’d blame me for the outcome. If I’d have just kept my mouth shut, none of this would have happened. Ha!

  8. September 22nd, 2013 at 12:14 | #8

    I know that head space, but sometimes you just have to say “nope, not going to be afraid of this today” 🙂

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