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Fear is a Four-Letter Word

September 6th, 2013

I have a really hard time talking about my emotions. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea that emotions are weakness, and you should never let your weakness show. People will take advantage of your weakness.

But besides that, I obsess over the words I use.

Today, I feel melancholy.

No, that’s not right.

There’s a lump in my stomach the size of Ohio, and it’s burning a hole from the inside out. The smoke from my burning insides is filling up my throat and trickling up my sinuses, which makes my eyes burn and water fill them. And I blink back the water to avoid showing how I feel because then I’ll be asked to explain my emotions, and I don’t know how. What emotion would you call that?

This emotion affects my writing. Especially when I’m writing something that I really want to be good.

I’m working on a review of Dark Secret Love: A Story of Submission by Alison Tyler, and I really want to do the book justice. The entire time I read it, it was like light bulbs were going off in my mind and in my pussy, and my jaw was on the floor. I was so wet that Master could smell me, and I couldn’t stop licking my lips. I couldn’t help but smirk at the parts that sounded exactly like Master and me, and feel pride when Samantha would grasp little lessons along the way, just like I have in my journey. And when I was finished, I wanted to start reading all over again, because closing the book left me longing for the conversation I was just having with a kindred spirit about BDSM.

What emotion is that?

But when I try to put all that in the review it comes out “I really like this book,” and then I start to question my ability to write, and that lump in my stomach moves up to my throat.

I’m really tired of fear being my weakness.

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