Gandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 9:

Isn’t “polyamory” just another word for cheating?

Well…

I guess that depends on how you look at it.

What do you mean?

Always with the questions, this one.

What polyamory is:

Polyamory is an agreed upon arrangement between partners that allows for including other people in the relationship in some way.

For example, ages ago, I gave M permission to sleep with, form a relationship with, be friends with whoever he wants. I didn’t put any restrictions on that. I found myself wishing I had a couple times, cause the chicks he usually ended up being interested in were just really not a good fit for me, but until recently, neither of us was really interested in backtracking, and for a long time, that’s how we viewed things like changing our minds.

Yeah…we have issues.

Sometimes, one partner prefers to remain monogamous, while the other does their thing. Some feel one night stands, and blind dates, and other one shot deals are the only safe way to go about it without causing hurt feelings, or even catching feelings. Some have full on relationships with their other partners. Some swing with other couples. Some are all in a relationship with each other. Some aren’t. Some live together. Some have no intention of living together. Some have relationship hierarchies. Either in the dominant/submissive sense, or primary and secondary relationships. Some don’t.

There are all sorts of polyamorous relationships. The main thing they have in common (or the ones that work, anyway), is honesty. And honesty is the reason most people don’t see it as cheating.

What polyamory isn’t:

It’s not sleeping with someone behind your partner’s back. It’s not coercing your partner into a threesome. It’s not having an orgy with a bunch of strangers one drunken night at an after party… though sometimes it is. It’s not stepping outside the marriage/relationship/what have you because you’re not getting your needs met at home.

No amount of added relationships (which also add stress) is going to help a bad relationship. Matter of fact, I’m gonna go out on a limb, here, and say that added relationships will probably do more harm than good. I mean, consider the resentment that may or may not be prevalent if it turns out you get along better with your secondary partner than your first, and here you haven’t even attempted to fix the problem with the first before adding the second. I’d be one pissed off woman, and hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Even a slave.

But what if I still feel like it’s cheating?

My turn. What do you mean?

Well…what if I’m not comfortable with my partner having other partners? What if I still feel like polyamory is being unfaithful?

Well, no one said you had to be poly to be kinky. If your current partner’s interested, and you’re not, stand firm. If they don’t (can’t? won’t?) honor your wishes, find someone who will.

But…what if I don’t want to find someone else?

…

You do realize you can be quite frustrating, right? I mean, I can’t be the only person who’s told you that.

If you don’t want to find someone else, then I guess you need to figure out how to handle being in a poly relationship.

Really, though, I’ve found that the ones that work aren’t what you’d think. There’s no bickering among partners about time spent with each other, because they all work hard to be sure no one feels left out. There’s not much jealousy, because no one gets anything everyone else doesn’t get. Sleeping arrangements depend entirely on who they are, and how they’re linked.

I think we can all agree that, when you really dissect the emotions, the most hurtful part of cheating is that it’s dishonest. Of course, there are some questions about what drove your partner to it, and you always worry a bit that you just weren’t good enough. But what hurts the most is that they didn’t trust you enough to tell you they wanted to see other people.

People in polyamorous relationships sometimes believe that one person is never enough.

M and me? We just know that sometimes, there’s gonna be a girl one of us really likes and wants to be with. Maybe just sexually. Maybe a relationship. Maybe as his slave. Whatever the case, we’ve decided to give it a shot when she comes around. And hopefully, it’ll all work out for the best.

Originally posted at EdenCafe.com on December 30, 2010.