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30 Days of Kink: Relationship Survival

June 26th, 2013

30 Days of KinkFor the rest of this series, and links to others who have participated, click here.

Full prompt: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?

Okay, so I read this prompt, and I got a little irritated. I really don’t get why so many kinksters feel the need to put their relationships in this special box marked “completely unique in every way”, because it’s just not true. Of course it’s not true. There are almost 7 BILLION people in the world. There ain’t nothing new under the sun, and your (our, the neighbors’, anyone’s) relationship is under the sun.

I’m sure that’s my problem. I’m sure the person who originally wrote these prompts didn’t mean for this prompt to sound elitist. And just because they consider the needs of a BDSM relationship to be different from those of a “vanilla” relationship doesn’t mean they think that “different” means “better”. But I’ve been at this for 10 1/2 years, and in those 10 1/2 years, if there’s one thing that hasn’t changed, it’s the elitist attitude that is prevalent among kinksters.

Not that kinksters corner the market on being elitist, mind. And there are plenty who don’t have an elitist bone in their body. It’s just one of a zillion bitches I have with the kink community.

When it comes right down to it, all relationships need the same basic things to survive. Whether your relationship involves kink or not, without loyalty, trust, love, and communication, it will fail. But if I had to pick just one, and point at it, and say, “this is the most important thing,” it would have to be communication. Whether you’re kinky or not. The proof is in the pudding.

You see it all the time, and usually from women. Especially on advice columns. “My husband sucks in bed. The only time I get off is if I do it myself. He tries but it just doesn’t happen.”

You ask the woman if she’s spoken to her husband, showed him what she likes, tried to teach him how to sexually satisfy her, and she says no. She thinks she shouldn’t have to. He should just know. And since he doesn’t, obviously he doesn’t care, and it’s time for a divorce.

Wait…what? Without even talking?!

And that is the LEAST extreme case. I’ve seen vanilla couples damn near beat each other’s faces in over a difference of opinion about where the dog bowl should go without ever once trying to talk about the logic behind their decisions.

Imagine if a kinky couple did this.

Alpha and Beta meet. Alpha collars Beta without discussing limits, fetishes, or interests. Two weeks in, Alpha decides to take Beta to the ballet. Beta hates the ballet but goes without complaint because they’re the submissive. When they get home, Beta’s snippy because they just had to endure four hours of people prancing around in tights to elevator music (Their perception not mine. I love the ballet. Stop shouting at me.), so Alpha, thinking Beta is dropping from that kick ass play session before the ballet, puts Beta over their knee. Now Beta’s double pissed because they think they’re being punished for not liking the ballet.


Yep. Communication’s the name of the game, folks.

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