There was no Sinful Sunday this week because I wasn’t feeling very sinful. I was feeling achy and depressed and a bit sick to my stomach. And it was only partly because of the monthly monster.

I’m still freaked out about potentially losing all of my writing. We’re pretty sure the hard drive is fine, but apparently it’s some special type of hard drive, and M isn’t sure we have acces to what we need to get the data off.

Luckily, by yesterday afternoon, we had a line on an older laptop that just needs more RAM for me to be able to run all the programs I need, like Photoshop. And WoW.

What? WoW is totally necessary. (We play on a free private server.)

I’m trying to talk M into toning down the kinky look of the blog. If you’ve been around a while, you’ll remember that something like 4 years ago, he promised me a new theme, and then never got around to it. I try not to let things like that get to me because when it comes right down to it, he’s on his computer more than anyone I know for work, and the last thing in the world that he wants to do, when he finally gets a break, is futz around with my theme. I completely understand because I was there when I was working for EdenFantasys.

It only really bugs me when he says things like, “but I like the current theme,” and then follows it up with, “I don’t read on the site, so I don’t even see it.”

Part of it is that whole wanting to write about more than just the kink and feeling like it doesn’t belong here thing. Okay, it’s more like I don’t want to write about the kink at all, lately, and fuck if I know why. Maybe because there’s not much of it, so it kind of feels like we’ve become dabblers.

I think that’s what it comes down to. I don’t feel kinky. I still like sex in my violence. I’m still a slave. I still love whips and chains and ball gags. But even sex is a rare thing in this household lately, and when it does happen, the kink toys don’t often come out. I thought maybe that would change when we started getting new kink toys, but we basically play with them for review and put them away.

M’s been sick or had no energy pretty much since we moved in here, and that translates to very little sex and a whole lot of rejection, so I’m feeling a bit dejected about the whole thing. And totally frustrated and annoyed because, true to form, he refuses to go to the doctor. Which I get. It costs us $35 every time he goes to the doctor, and we don’t really have that to spare. But I’m also running out of the will to tell myself that he’s not rejecting me because he doesn’t want me anymore.

To which he’ll respond that I’ve been sick, too, and then I had that brief freak out over being touched, and periods, and blah. And that’s true. And I’m not placing blame or pointing fingers. I’d have to point at myself, too, if I did that. But I don’t push him away or tell him no. And not just because I’m not allowed.

He’s frustrated, too. But it’s not yet bad enough to convince him that “wait and see” has progressed to “get help.”

Maybe he’s right. Maybe he just needs his job to knock it off with the constant emergencies, and the cats to stop waking us up all night, and the weather to settle down enough for our allergies to quit and illnesses to heal. But it’s June, and we’ve been on 1 bike ride. We haven’t even gone hiking. And we’re having sex maybe once a week. If something doesn’t give soon I’m calling his boss and planning an at home vacation myself. For a week I’m not on my period. And I’ll teach him the true meaning of topping from the bottom.

Okay, no I won’t because that’s totally not my style (plus I’m not allowed) but I’m going a little stir crazy here. That I’ve even suggested this kind of overthrowing of my personal government is proof positive of that.

Besides that, it’s all just normal for me now. I mean, it’s so normal that I’m surprised when vanilla people are surprised at what we get up to in our bedroom.

And on top of all of that, more than once, recently, I’ve been told our site appears a little too hardcore for other adult sites to work with me. To which I’d normally reply, “Your loss.” but we need money. I mean, our bills are paid and there’s food in the house, which is more than many people in these United States can say; some of whom live just a few blocks away from us. But I just walked through my last pair of sneakers, and I’m hoping to lose enough weight to need new winter clothes.

This whole getting healthy thing is so not a financially sound decision. The food costs more. The new wardrobes are expensive. The gas to get us where we need to go (because there are no sidewalks or bike paths in or near our neighborhood!), these days, is outrageous. Plus, the car needs work, and the insurance policy, registration, and inspection expire this month…ugh.

I’d just go get a job, but there are no jobs. And having a job outside the house brings its own issues. So far, I’ve yet to have a job in New York that didn’t try to force me to work outside of the hours I was hired for, and we’re not interested in the strain the constant battle with my bosses has put on our relationship over the years. Hell, even when I worked from home that was an issue.

Blahblahblah whinewhinewhine but hey that’s life, right? Everyone has good times and bad times, and at least half the point of this blog has always been to show both sides of the coin.

I hope his body, my body, his job, and the weather cooperate so we can get back into the swing of things when the monthly monster goes away. Obviously, I need a good beating.