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30 Days of Kink: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

June 10th, 2013

30 Days of KinkFor the rest of this series, and links to others who have participated, click here.

I’ve been mulling over this for quite some time. Mostly because I’m not entirely sure what the asker is asking. I mean, are we talking about things like SSC, and RACK? Or are we talking about etiquette with regard to kinky meetings? Or maybe we’re talking about the morality of the whole shebang? I dunno. I’m confused. So I’m gonna talk about all of the above!

Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC):

This basically means exactly what it says. That a person claiming to live by SSC only participates in what they consider safe and sane acts, and that all parties involved have agreed to be involved and have given permission for what’s going on. Some people also believe it means all parties involved must be completely sane to be able to give consent. Some laws say so as well.

M and I… don’t really subscribe to that philosophy. And not just because we like to make up the rules as we go along!

I told you I could hear you. 

It’s just… Well! I’m not completely sane. And neither are some of the things M plays with. I’m not going to sit here and lie to you. I won’t pretend things like branding myself, or talking M into burning me with cigarettes, or, hell, choosing to live where we do are the acts of a sane person. And those are just the things I’ve told you about! I won’t even try to feed you some line about why they’re wholly sane acts. The fact of the matter is, when we’ve gotten to that point (the extreme S&M stuff, not the choosing to live here thing), M and I are both delirious with sexual desire, and there’s really not much either of us won’t try at least once. There’s really not much either of us won’t try at least once anyway.

And I’ve given M consent to do things to and with me that I haven’t given my consent for, or have even expressly asked not to have to do. In our world, that’s part of being a slave.

Risk-Aware Consensual Kink:

Basically, this means that the people involved have assessed the things that could go wrong, and have decided they’re not concerned enough about them to avoid their particular kink. And, once again, everyone involved has given their permission for what’s going on.

Maybe it’s just semantics. But that’s really where M and I fall. Because there are quite a few things M will never let me participate in –or do to me himself, for that matter– based on his assessment of the possible outcome(s).

For example, you don’t have to worry about him ever removing any appendages or organs aside from the occasional bits of skin he’s likely to flay off my back with a whip. Or the cutting I want really, really bad. A couple of piercings and tattoos. My head, arms, legs, fingers and toes will all remain attached to my body. Oh, and my boobs. Definitely my boobs. He loves them.

He’s really not big on blood, anyway. Cutting off appendages without first exsanguinating me would be entirely too gross for him.

Kinky Meeting Ethics:

Honestly, I don’t know that there are many that aren’t normal for any sort of meeting aside from the fact that they’re often a little more secret about it.

Don’t go running around town all, “So I’m going to this kink munch at The Big Pink Spoon on Saturday night at 8!” Don’t touch people you don’t know. Treat everyone with the same common courtesy you’d show anyone. Follow any dress code prescribed. Try not to non-consensually step on any toes or slap any peepees. Do your best to maintain any atmosphere they’re going for by at least not being a distraction. Unless you’ve been asked to be a distraction.

And honestly, that’s just the way life is. You gotta be nice to people to be asked back to the party. Or be that special kind of unnice that so many people seem to find endearing, and excuse away with comments like “At least they’re honest!” or “They tell it like it is. I like that about them.” (I still don’t get it.)

But really, I get that there’s a certain ambiance necessary for some people to be comfortable playing in a public venue. And it’s important to try to maintain that ambiance. Anything less is rude and unnecessary.


What goes on between consenting adults in the privacy of their home (or their friend’s home, or their local kink club, etc.) is nobody’s business but they’re own.

Unless they’re like me, and make it the whole internet’s business. But even then, it generally takes about five seconds for someone to figure out what my website is about. There’s a disclaimer in the sidebar asking minors to leave, and a Poser form in the banner in barely-there latex with a ball gag in her mouth. It’s really as simple as clicking the X if you find yourself on a website you don’t like, isn’t it? It’s really not the same thing as, say, walking into a restaurant to eat dinner, and suddenly, just as you go to take a bite, you look over to your left and there’s a couple having sex in the booth. Which would be shocking! Unless it was a super cool restaurant that you were expected to do stuff like that in.

But do I think there’s anything morally wrong with the vast majority of the kinks we all participate in?

Nah. Ain’t nothing wrong with a little kink between lovers, friends, and strangers.

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