Love is making funny faces at sunset.

My contract with EdenFantasys has been terminated.

I was going to drag the telling out. Do my typical “tell a story, then get to the point” thing. But I decided I don’t wanna. The situation is not deserving of my razmataz. It was relatively uneventful. They’re making cuts, and my name made the list.

It’s definitely for the best. Simply put, my vision for SexIs has never matched Fred’s. And since he owns the mag, his vision is all that matters. So he’ll continue to go his direction, and I won’t be along for the ride. If you’re wondering what direction that is, I’d suggest getting in touch with Fred, Gary, or CarrieAnn. I don’t have a clue.

I rewrote that paragraph a hundred times because I’m not interested in bad mouthing anyone. Though I have plenty to say, I’d prefer to keep it to myself. No reason to publicly air dirty laundry.

Aww, look! Rayne’s all growed up. 

What this means for us:

More hot sex? New rules? Stricter Master?

No. Really.

Thankfully, in the past couple years, M’s been given a series of raises. Judging by how business is going, he’s probably looking at another very soon. Even with the increase in our expenditures (the house), his current pay covers our bills. Hallelujah.

The job was a constant point of contention, as is usually the case when I work for someone that is not M. I’m not really the type to take time off unless I’m out of commission. I’m always afraid that if I do, I’ll get fired. I know that in most cases, that’s irrational, but it wasn’t very long ago that bosses would fire you if you took time off, so I feel justified. Or something. He’d want to go somewhere, or do owner/property things, and I’d spazz out, all “ZOMG WHAT IF I GET FIRED?!” So he’d leave it alone just in case my fear was warranted.

The job was also a large source of anxiety because…well, everyone knows why. I don’t have to spell that out. I’d lost interest in pretty much everything because most of what I do for fun is online. Being online was too much like work, and work stressed me out. I’ve watched more television in the past year than I have in all of my (almost) 33 years.

And sex? Yeah, I only initiated that on the weekends, because during the week, I was too caught up in my job to even think about sexy time. And I work in the adult industry!

The reality is, I’d allowed the job to become a crutch. An excuse, if you will. I can’t possibly follow my dream/be a slave/exercise/relax, right now. I’ve got this job, you see.

In truth, I wasn’t happy there, and I’d already begun taking steps toward finding another source of income. Really, the only reason I stayed is because we liked the size of our financial cushion. But I’m thinking that if I put my mind to it, I can find a way to make that up. We’ll see how that goes.

The only things I keep coming back to are our car needs serious repairs (like over $1,000) and we were going to renew our vows this October. Even considering the fact that I’ve decided not to invite half the people who were originally on the list (mostly family), we can’t afford the vow renewal now. It’s going to have to wait.

We’re just going to have to figure out how to come up with the money for the car. You can help by purchasing things through the links and banners on our site. And if you use code D24 at checkout at EdenFantasys, some of the money from your purchase will go to M and me while you get 15% off!

What this means for Insatiable Desire:

More reviews? More regular posts? More sexy posts?

No. Really!

M’s all, “Now I can get back to treating you like a slave all day, and you can get back to writing about it. How awesome will that be?!”

Very awesome, indeed.

Of course, he still has to work. And he wants me to work on the projects I’ve committed to, and actively look for ways to bring in more money so the burden isn’t always on him. But he’s the boss of all that, as he keeps reminding me when I express anxiety over not having a job. So if he wants to snatch me up by the hair and stuff his cock in my mouth, he doesn’t have to worry about someone else being mad because I’m not tethered to my computer when they want me to be. That, in and of itself, is proving to be pure heaven.

I’ll also be going through the archive and fixing things, making note of things I need to revisit, etc. If there’s anything you’d like me to write about, let me know either in comments, or drop me a line at rayne@insatiabledesire.com and I’ll get on it!

What this means for me:

I recently asked M for new rules, because some of the old ones are outdated, and others have been removed, and it’s just nice to have something clear and concrete to look at when I’m wondering what he’s looking for from me. That’ll be a start.

Other than that, I’ve taken on the brunt of the housework myself, since he’s the only one working. That we have cats is so much more obvious here because of the hardwood floors. Their hair piles up in the corners in twelve hours or less. Sweeping regularly is a must.

But there was just a study saying if women did more housework, they’d be thinner. I’ll gladly test that theory. I’ve regained half the weight I lost last year, so I’m hovering around 230lbs right now. Working on fixing that. My goal’s 180. It’s only 50lbs. Here goes nothing.

I’m trying to figure out how to cheaply start a garden to alleviate some of the grocery bill this summer. With a giant, fenced-in backyard, and M working from home, it’d be silly not to spend a lot of time outside. And what better way to facilitate that than to put something in the backyard that needs regular maintenance? In the long run, it’ll be worth it because we mostly eat salads in summer. Salad’s a hell of a lot cheaper if most of it comes from your backyard. It’s just the whole getting it started thing that’s going to cost a bit of dough. I mean, seeds are cheap, but we don’t even have a shovel anymore.

Of course, some of the stuff I wanted to do with the garden is out. I wanted to do raised beds, but that’ll cost too much money. I’d planned on hanging the herbs on the fence so it wouldn’t take up too much room, but I’m not sure we’ll be able to afford the equipment.

See? We need more cushion!

So I’m actively pursuing paying gigs, and/or gigs that will lead to paying gigs. And I’m starting at least one new web venture that I’m really excited about. Perhaps two, depending on how much time I have. I know that if I can get beyond this stupid self-deprecation and fear, there’s nothing stopping me. The only question is whether or not it’ll make money.

A lot of you who have been working with me at EdenFantasys over the past two years, and a bunch of people I’ve met along this wild Internet journey, have written to check in on me, and see how I’m taking all this, and for that I am eternally grateful. For anyone else who is wondering after reading this, I’m fine. Happy, in fact. Happier than anyone who just lost their job has any right to be.

The long and short of it is I’m better than I have been in two years. The day it happened, I was angry, but not overly surprised. Not a single EIC has lasted much more than a year at SexIs. But besides that, I had an inkling this day was coming long before I realized I’d hit the one year anniversary of having the job thrust in my lap.

I expected to mourn the job, to stress over our much lower household income, and to flail about listless for days unsure how to fill my time. What really happened is I woke up the day after I was informed of my contract status free of all the anxiety, depression, and negativity I faced every time the alarm shattered my sleep. And I realize this is what I’m meant to be doing. So I’m doing it. Onward and upward.

<3