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Sexuality in Schenectady – The Adult Industry Edition

September 30th, 2011

I am, in some ways, built to be a journalist. In large crowds, you can find me mostly on the fringes, observing the people around me. I’ve always been that person. Leave me alone at a party, and while I’m definitely not a wallflower, you’ll most often find me listening to someone intently, trying to learn all there is to know about them before they lose interest in talking about themselves. And then, I move on to the next person who looks like they’re just dying to talk about themselves.

My genuine curiosity has helped me to learn so much about the human race. Most people are comfortable talking to me and they tell me so much more than they’d tell other people. And it allows me to befriend people most wouldn’t even talk to. The fact that I used to be one of them helps a bit, too.

(I started an aside here about my prostitution past that spun wildly out of control and became long enough to justify its own post. If you’re interested in reading it you can find it here.)

Somewhere along the line, it was decided that I was done hiding who I am. There are very few people who don’t know what I do for a living. Most everyone we know well enough to know they won’t cause problems knows about my past. We at least tell everyone M’s the boss. If the conversation turns to sex, we often talk about our sex life with unabashed enthusiasm. We ease into the more extreme details as we get to know our new acquaintances, but eventually everyone knows everything about us, for better or worse, unless they run screaming at some point and never return.

In Schenectady, they call me a “freak”. Not of the mutant variety, but you’d think I was with the way I’m treated by the ones who know about my sexual proclivities but don’t know who I am. The girl who’ll do anything with anyone. Because I write about sex, obviously I have no moral hang-ups and sleep around. Not that there would be anything wrong with it if I did, as long as it was Master-approved, but these days I don’t sleep with anyone but my owner, and the only man anyone ever sees me with is M, so I don’t know where they get these ideas.

Occasionally I get hit on, and normally I wouldn’t mind, but armed with the knowledge of my occupation, the views on people in the adult industry start to become apparent. And I just write about sex (and sex toys). There is no nice way to say what I mean, so I’m just going to say it. When people find out what I do for a living they start to treat me the way they’d treat a prostitute.

Before you get your panties in a bunch, let me make perfectly clear that I have a problem with the way sex workers are treated. If you’d like my views on prostitution (or some of them, anyway), pop over to that post I mentioned earlier. My aversion to being treated that way by a total stranger has nothing to do with sex workers. It’s the thoughts and emotions that are usually behind the attitude that piss me off.

No, of course I don’t mind when you say things to me like, “Damn, girl, I bet you can really handle a cock. I’ll have to come visit you when your man’s not around.” Sure, it’s perfectly appropriate to stare openly at my chest and ask me what my tits look like out of my bra while I’m standing in line at the grocery store. Nah, really! It’s okay that you just randomly grabbed my boob and played with my hair even though I’ve only actually known you five seconds.

I know. It’s messed. I was just recently talking about how that shit doesn’t happen to me, and when it does, it doesn’t really bother me. But these days, it does happen to me and it does bother me. And honestly, I think it was the nonconsensual touching (This link is to a post about how I react to being touched. The nonconsensual touching story is for another day.) that did it. I got very “Who the fuck do you think you are putting your hands on me?” about it. And then I started to get very “Who the fuck do you think you are?” about everything.

But even among these encounters, there’s a difference between harmless flirting and disrespectful behavior. It’s usually in the tone and the body language.

The most common reaction to my sexual openness is usually a mixture of awe and disgust. At first, people think I’m just being polite when I’m not shocked by some offhand comment they make about their lover(s). When I nod in agreement rather than blushing and laughing nervously when they mention that they like their hair pulled or their ass slapped, they recoil in confusion and become suspicious. But it’s when I tell them that I work for a sex toy company and I review sex toys that they label me “freak” and avoid talking sex around me at all costs.

But not before asking, “Can you get me a free sex toy?” I usually just say no. If I had a nickel for every time I’m asked that, I’d be rich. If I had a sex toy for every time I’m asked that, there’d be no more room in my house.

So okay. I’m kinky. But that’s not in any way, shape or form the only part of me. It’s not even the first thing you notice about me. Matter of fact, I’m willing to bet that most people wouldn’t have a clue if it weren’t for the steel collar I wear. So why does being kinky suddenly change how someone views me as a person? Why does the fact that I’m so comfortable with sex that I work for a sex toy company and write primarily about sex (and don’t hesitate to tell people about it) make me dirty, immoral, irrelevant? (Again, I’m not saying that sex workers are these things. I’m saying that this is the shitty stigma they face.) And even if I were dirty and/or immoral (though, really, by who’s standard?), if I’m not causing you any harm, then what difference does it make?

That got a little ranty. Sorry about that. In any case, that’s the sum of it. Sex toy seller (or Blog Content Manager for a sex toy store, as the case may be) is synonymous with vile sex crazed demon in Schenectady. It’s a shame, really. Cause most of the people I know in the adult industry are awesome. Even the ones who are sex crazed!

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  1. October 1st, 2011 at 08:14 | #1

    Rayne,

    I know what you mean. There is that assumption that those who talk feely about sex must be just as free with sexual activity. The converse of that is also true, and I’ve run into it. It’s no surprise that I write erotica. What does startle people is that I started writing erotica while I was still a virgin. The assumption that people make is that someone who hasn’t personally experienced sexual activity can’t possibly write believably about it (imagine if all murder mysteries could only be written by murderers). It also shocks people that I write about female perspectives (apparently) so well when I’m a man.

    The thing is, everyone has misconceptions about something. That’s (havng them) not the problem . I’m sure there are people who, upon hearing that your a sex worker, wouild make the same assumptions but wouldn’t dream of violating your privacy and personal space the way all those jerks would. The only other problem there is with misconceptions is when someone refuses to correct them.

    Dave

  2. October 3rd, 2011 at 00:14 | #2

    Sexuality in Schenectady – The Adult Industry Edition | Insatiable Desire http://t.co/jEjzU90x

  3. Janet
    October 11th, 2011 at 19:56 | #3

    I must say too that I heard but what you mean. There is certainly that assumption that those who talk feely about sex must be just like free with intercourse. The converse of that often happens, and I’ve come across it. It’s no surprise i write erotica. Exactly what does startle people is the fact that I began writing erotica because i was still a virgin. The assumption that people make is always that someone who hasn’t personally experienced sexual practice can’t possibly write believably regarding it (let’s suppose all murder mysteries could just be published by murderers). In addition, it shocks people who I write about female perspectives (apparently) so well when I’m a person.

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