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Observations I’ve Made Based on M’s “Jokes”

May 18th, 2011

This was actually written a couple weeks ago, and isn’t quite as relevant now as it was then. I’ve got a couple posts in the works that are more relevant to how things are going now. In the meantime, I thought something was better than nothing. Right?

When I get out of line, but it’s out of character with how I’ve been behaving lately, M has a tendency to make wisecracks about my behavior rather than reprimanding me. At least to start. If I don’t catch on, He reprimands. If I still don’t change my behavior, He punishes. These are some observations I’ve made about my behavior based on His “jokes”.

  • I whine too much.

I’ve been whining about everything lately! I dunno what’s up with me. Maybe I’m just tired. Regardless, I’m working on it. Whiners drive me nuts. I don’t want to be one.

  • I’m less than enthusiastic about pleasing Him.

I’m not, but I can see where He’d get that impression.

Lately, pleasing Him has required more than just cleaning the house, or cooking a nice meal. He’s been on an objectification kick. And I’ve been less than responsive. Almost rebellious.

I’ve mentioned before that our dynamic fluctuates. I wouldn’t really say it’s fluid (though I may have once), so much as what works for us changes based on outside influences (work, emergencies, etc.) and my mental health. I’m diagnosed with bipolar, borderline personality and anxiety disorders, and I might have PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder). So how M reacts to my behavior really depends on what my current state of mind is.

For a long while, M was content treating me mostly like His wife, and not much like sexual property. I got comfortable and His mood changed. Most times, it’s no big deal. This time, I wasn’t expecting it. So my response to my interactions with M have been less than stellar. But I’m getting back into the groove. And I’m realizing I missed these types of interactions. A lot.

  • I don’t show as much interest in being hurt as I used to.

True. I go through stints where being hurt pisses me off. I don’t know what that’s about, but in talking to other masochists, I’ve learned that I’m not alone. I haven’t, however, figured out how to change it. So instead, I muscle through. And it’s obvious.

I’m not sure how to handle this, and I plan to talk it over with M. I mean, am I supposed to let Him know I go through this, or should I just be taking what I’m given and finding a way to be happy with it? I just don’t know. So I’m going to ask Him. One of the first things He taught me about being His slave was to ask when I’m not sure what’s expected of me.

Here’s where I should mention that I don’t ever want M to not do whatever it is He wants to do just because I’m currently not into it. Part of my kink is being forced to do things that I’m not necessarily interested in doing. Whether it’s something I really don’t like to do, or something that I’m just not in the mood for. Some call it “consent to nonconsent”.

  • I make almost as many comments about orders as I did in the beginning of our relationship.

I have a really bad habit of voicing my opinion when I shouldn’t. Like when M tells me to do the dishes, and I’m working. Or He wants me to get ready to go to the store, and I’m in the middle of writing an article. And I’m not really respectful about it, either.

If I can’t do what He asks of me, I’m supposed to approach Him with it and accept His decision. Instead, I get snotty. “Jesus, I’m never gonna get this done.” is heard way more than it ever should be in an owner/property household. I’ve gotta work on that. It makes me feel like crap because I’m not living up to what I said I wanted or what I promised I would be.

  • My sarcasm isn’t getting any better.

Sarcasm has been an issue with me since I was a little girl. I don’t know where I got it from, but I remember “Knock it off with the sarcasm, Rayne.” being a prominent reprimand from my parents and my teachers. I use it to express irritation, to be funny, when I’m just talking to someone.

I used to think I was one of the most sarcastic people in existence. But then I met this guy M works with and realized I’ve got a long way to go for that title. Regardless, I’m still sarcastic at the wrong times, and it gets me into trouble.

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