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30DoT: Something I Hate About Me

April 10th, 2011

I am insanely difficult to please. It’s not just that it’s insanely difficult for other people to please me. It’s insanely difficult for Master to please me. It’s insanely difficult for me to please me. If Jesus Christ came down from the heavens, and performed a miracle right before my eyes, while the gathered crowd would be pushing passed me to kiss the hem of his robes, I would clench my fists, and set my jaw, and find a reason to dispute it.

“Question everything.” is tattooed on my soul.

And when you finally do please me, I have a tendency to react with a rather “Okay, that’s great. What else can you do?” attitude. As if you’re a magician showing me tricks I’ve seen performed a hundred times. As if I have a right to be that way, ever, to anyone. Whether I’m a slave or not.

It’s a rather nasty quality to have. Greedy. Never accepting what I’m given. Always hungry for more. Pushing. Pleading. Prodding. Ever toeing the line between “convincing” and “manipulating”. Sometimes taking flying leaps over it, and dashing back just before I get caught.

I’m spoiled and selfish and self-centered. But not so much in the “I’m better than everyone else, and I deserve better than they do.” way, as the “I can’t fathom anyone wanting anything other than what I want out of life, so how can I possibly be hurting them by getting my way?” way.

Lately, I’ve been trying to be more considerate of others. I kinda fail at it. Must try harder.


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