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Physical v. Mental

February 25th, 2011

There’s something weird going on with my Eternity Collar. It’s been happening for about a year, and it’s the. most. annoying thing. ever. EVAR!

You know how it’s held closed with one of them little screws you need a particular allen wrench for?

Yeah well… the damn thing comes unscrewed all the time.

I mean… Woohoo! Now Master’s gonna have to get the one that fits right! Unless He just buys a new screw. Which would suck. But even that would be better than having to screw it back together all the time.

Today, twice, it almost fell off. The screw unthreaded as much as it was going to go, and the collar almost came off. Once we were out, and once we were home.

No biggie, right? Cause we’ve got the allen wrenches, and one’s tucked safely away in the little satin jewelry pouch that holds the pennies we smashed on our Disney trip, and the guitar picks I was given by members of Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and the whale tail earrings I can’t wear anymore because they’re rusting. The stupid tag said stainless steel! But it’s all the way across the house (which is all of ten steps, and that’s pushing it), and I’m to lazy busy! to get up and walk all the way over there just to screw the thing back on. So I’ve taken to doing it with my thumbs. Oddly enough, it’s faster than using the allen wrench even if I walk across the room first.

I wrote all that a few days ago. I’m not changing the subject. I just wanted to let you know that it’s a different day. Is that weird? Anyway…

So, the other day, as I was screwing the screw back into my collar, the meaning behind me making the effort every. single. day. to keep the collar around my neck suddenly hit me. It’s not even a conscious thing anymore. I just reach up and check it, and screw it in if it’s not. In the middle of the store, or on the bus, or while I’m walking down the street.

That’s something I’ve always done. If the necklace I wear broke, I’d find some way to hold it together till we could afford to buy another chain. Even when I was pissed off at Him, I’d find a way to keep the physical signs of my slavery where they belong.

Once upon a time, I thought that made me better than other people. I mean, god! How can you claim to be owned property, and just rip your collar off whenever you felt like it? How slave-like of you. You’re certainly a role model, that’s for sure.

And then one day, I found this blog I couldn’t look away from, written by this chick who often did rip her collar off whenever she wanted, but the biggest act of disobedience she could muster afterward was… going to the bathroom without permission. O.o

Oh sure, there’s more to it, and she makes bigger mistakes sometimes. We all make bigger mistakes sometimes. But when I get fed up? When I decide I get to decide when IΒ can’t take anymore? Instead of ripping my collar off and peeing without permission, I revoke every bit of control I’ve given Him, starting with His right to put His hands on me. And usually He’s right.

Not so much anymore, but not long ago, I’d start telling Master what I was going to do, and in some cases, do it. I’d tell Him what He was going to do, and act surprised when He didn’t do it.

I wasn’t better than slaves like the one who became my friend. In many ways, I was worse.

I still don’t know if I’ve internalized slavery. I know that I (mostly) obey even when I’m angry. I know that I try to keep an even tone, and be respectful regardless of what’s going on. I’m still not perfect. I’ll probably never be perfect. But I’m doing better than I ever have.

I know that I find myself apologizing when I’m a cunt, and truly meaning it, rather than just saying it so He’ll leave me alone. I’m really thinking about what I should be doing, and doing it, instead of poopooing it off with excuses like, “But Master’s being a jerk!” Instead of just considering doing something nice for Master, or something extra to display His ownership over me, I actually do it, more often than not. And every time that collar comes unscrewed, I screw it back in with my thumbs.

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  1. February 25th, 2011 at 09:46 | #1

    Um, do you have the screw on the underside of the collar or the top? I can clearly see it coming unscrewed if it screws from the underside.

  2. February 25th, 2011 at 13:45 | #2

    Now he’s never going to get you a new one. You’ve gone and made this profound. *nod*

    πŸ˜‰

  3. February 25th, 2011 at 19:18 | #3

    @ lunaKM Uhh… Well… See, here’s the thing. The screw hole is the same size top to bottom. There’s nothing preventing it from unscrewing no matter which way I’m wearing it. If I wear it with the hole for the allen wrench on the top, it unscrews out the bottom, and vice versa. It used to stay in. It doesn’t anymore. ~shrug~ I dun get it.

    No biggie, though, cause it’s too big. So we’re getting a new one soon.

    @ kaya I’ll just blame you. πŸ˜›

  4. Some Guy
    June 28th, 2012 at 13:41 | #4

    There are some epoxies that are designed to hold screws in place that just need heat to undo them. If having your head near a blowtorch is a problem then just try some mild epoxy or glue. If you use some hot glue on the threads of the screw it will still unscrew with the alan key but will hold the threads in place.

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