Home > Rayne > I? Am a fucktard. But I’m working on it.

I? Am a fucktard. But I’m working on it.

February 18th, 2011

The other day I did something I’m not sure I’ve ever done. I yanked Master’s pants off, and climbed on His cock without being asked or told.

Master says it was the power of suggestion, and He’s probably right. He had said a couple times that He was going to fuck me. But then He just sort of laid there, doing nothing! So… I yanked His pants off, and climbed on His cock.

I probably wouldn’t have done it if he hadn’t said He was going to fuck me. That’s true. So probably it was the power of suggestion. But normally, I would have just been all, “Oh, ho hum… I guess He changed His mind.” and went back to what I was doing. For two reasons.

  • I’m petrified of rejection.
  • Who the hell am I, a slave, to take charge like that?

But I did it! And it was awesome! And then…

I promptly decided not to do anything for Him for Valentine’s Day. Yeah… I’m an asshole. When it comes to romantic holidays, and anniversaries, I’m the guy in this relationship. It’s partly because it’s impossible to do anything for Him without Him knowing about it. He controls the money. He controls when I leave the house, and where I go. He controls where in the house I can be and what I can be doing. Surprising Him is impossible.

So, I just didn’t do anything, cause that’s so much better than Him maybe finding out what I’m doing for Him.

I’ve never been a huge Valentine’s Day person, though. I always hem and haw it off for one reason or another. And Master always manages to do something nice for me. And I feel like an asshole. This year was the worst though.

It wasn’t a conscious decision, mind. I’d turned a few things over in my mind over the coming weeks. I just couldn’t think of anything worthy of the way I feel about Him.

So I did nothing?! What the fuck is wrong with me?

But! There was proof positive that I’ve made progress, and I’m consoling myself with that. What do I mean?

Generally speaking, when Master confronts me with a “You’re taking me for granted.” type issue, I get really pissed off. Occasionally, it’s more that my feelings are hurt, and it’s easier for me to let that translate into anger, than to feel the actual emotion I’m feeling. But most of the time, it’s not. Most of the time, the first thought in my mind is, “Dude, seriously? I do everything you tell me to. I cook and clean for you. I treat you so much better than I’ve ever treated anyone in my life. And I spend all of my time with you. How on Earth can I be taking you for granted?” And I’ve said that a time or two.

But the thing is, when He’s complaining that I’m taking Him for granted, it’s because that’s all I’m doing. What’s required of me. I’m not doing nice things that I don’t often have the time to do when I find my schedule’s opened up. I’m not making sure the time I spend with Him is focused on Him and not us just being in the same room. I’m not doing anything extra to show Him how I feel, much less be the doting slave I’m supposed to be.

In more recent past, I can explain it away with the fact that I’m working all the time. On Eden Cafe, and Sex Feed, and Fearless Press, and Insatiable Desire, and Submissive Guide, and… And really, my schedule’s not too full. My mind just likes to take mini-vacations while I’m working, and before I know it, it’s midnight, and I’m just sending my Sex Feed articles in. Course, that was actually because we had to go grocery shopping. But you know.

Well, and sex news worth covering isn’t always easy to find.

Because I’m working all the time, when I find a minute to… not work, I’ve been reading, or knitting, or playing video games. And Master’s okay with that… so long as I’m spending some time on Him, too. Which makes perfect sense, even in a non-D/s relationship.

In any case, this time, when Master started talking to me about how my actions had made Him feel, I kept my mouth shut. I listened to what He was saying to me. And I considered it carefully before sobbing beside Him, apologizing profusely, and reassuring Him that I do love Him.

So… The moral of the story is, I need to get more focused during the day, and figure out a better news-finding system, and find ways to relax in my off time that include my owner. And I think I’ll start tonight.


Oh, and, P.S. Master, you really are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I honestly didn’t mean to hurt  you. I guess I just wasn’t focused where I should have been. I apologize. I plan to rectify that. Happy (belated) Valentine’s Day. I love you… more.

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