I spent some time reading some old posts tonight. I don’t know why I do these things to myself. They always leave me longing for the person I used to be.

I’m not really sure what that means. I think that’s what bothers me the most.

I can say, without a doubt, that I am different today than I was two years ago. Last year. Last month. I’m more sure of myself, my life, my lifestyle, my relationship. I’ve let my owner in in a way that I’ve never let anyone in before. I’m less mouthy (if you can believe it), and more obedient. I love and respect Master in a way that I never did before. And yet… I still feel like something’s missing.

In me. In my behavior. Not in Him, or our relationship, or our life. Despite the hard knocks we’ve dealt with separately and together, we have more than any human being has a right to. And I can honestly say I’ve never been happier.

But I feel like I’m not living up to my potential.

What happened to that bowing, scraping, sex-crazed slave who spent most of her time making an effort to be pleasing? Who begged for attention, and did stupid little things like buying a bag of Hershey’s Kisses just so she could make a card out of the little tags inside when Master was at work? Who hid change in a baggie in her purse so the next time He sent her to the convenience store she could buy Him a rose?

It hurts to think about it. Makes me sad.

I could excuse it away with His job, and my job, and life in general, and lack of money and… But I used to find a way. I always found a way.

What’s worse is even knowing how much I miss it, and how much I’m sure He does, if He thinks about it, I can’t say I’ll start doing the little things again.

He brought it up one day. I don’t remember why. And I brushed it off and put it to the back of my mind. I made excuses to Him and to myself. Told us both that He never looked at them, or He was always home, or… whatever I could think of to make it not my fault.

Thing is, none of those things used to matter. It didn’t matter that I worked till midnight the night before, or that we barely had enough for groceries, or that He’d been home sick for the past week. I always found a way.

I need to find a way again.