Archive for January 23rd, 2011

This Morning

January 23rd, 2011 4 comments

This morning, I tried to sleep through Master playing with my boobs. Seriously.

I almost never sleep in. I wake up some time between 4 and 6am, without fail, and can’t go back to sleep. Not too long ago, this meant that by the time Master was ready to get out of bed, I was either in a straight panic from all the self-deprecating thoughts I’d been turning over and over in my mind, or I was in an all out rage because… How dare He decide to sleep in when I can’t?

Yeah… I know.

This was exacerbated by the fact that when I turned our bedroom into the dark cave that it is now, there was suddenly nothing I was allowed to do to quell my racing mind. It was too dark to read a book, so I gave reading on the PDA a shot. The PDA, on any setting, was too bright, and even when I read with it under the covers, it woke Master up. Read more…

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There’s always a way.

January 23rd, 2011 2 comments

I spent some time reading some old posts tonight. I don’t know why I do these things to myself. They always leave me longing for the person I used to be.

I’m not really sure what that means. I think that’s what bothers me the most.

I can say, without a doubt, that I am different today than I was two years ago. Last year. Last month. I’m more sure of myself, my life, my lifestyle, my relationship. I’ve let my owner in in a way that I’ve never let anyone in before. I’m less mouthy (if you can believe it), and more obedient. I love and respect Master in a way that I never did before. And yet… I still feel like something’s missing.

In me. In my behavior. Not in Him, or our relationship, or our life. Despite the hard knocks we’ve dealt with separately and together, we have more than any human being has a right to. And I can honestly say I’ve never been happier. Read more…

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