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30DoK: Hindsight

January 10th, 2011

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

When I was a kid, my elementary-best-friend (we met at 4 and moved away from each other the first time at 8) and I used to act out rape scenes with our Barbies. Jordan Knight was always the rapist.

(Yes… I had a Jordan Knight Ken doll. I wanted Joe McIntyre or Donnie Wahlberg, but my mom, as usual, waited till the very last second to go shopping for my Christmas stuff, and all that was left was Jordan Knight. So… since I didn’t want him to begin with, he was the natural choice.)

We used to come up with some fucked up scenarios. Branding, and scalding, and cutting, and all sorts of torment went into our rape scenes. And I have no idea where they came from. I don’t know who started it. I don’t know who came up with the most bizarre stuff. I just remember that we both were equally interested, and we both tried to top each other.

Not long after we moved away from each other (both our fathers were in the military), I began trying out some of the things we’d “made” Jordan Knight do to our Barbies to myself. Clothespins, and rubber bands, and lit cigarettes close to my skin. I tried to brand myself with a hot needle, but the scar was gone in a week. I cut myself, but it takes a lot to leave a scar on me that way, so there was seldom evidence beyond the initial wounds.

I didn’t know much about “safety”, and I didn’t much care. So I’d insert just about anything that might hurt, or feel really good into my pussy. I intentionally stretched it. I liked the way it felt.

I’d been having orgasms since long before I knew what they were, and I learned early on the draw to having one’s clit tortured into oversensitivity… and then tortured more. My mother had a vibrating back massager, and I’d sit on it on low until I thought I couldn’t stand it anymore, and turn it up to high. And then I’d drain the batteries. By the time I was finished, touching my clit was enough to make me want to cry.

So yeah… I guess there definitely were some “hints”. HEH.

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