Gandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 5:

Okay, so, every time I talk about this kink stuff, people keep screaming at me that I need to have a safe word, or my head’s gonna fall off.  What’s up with this safe word business, and why can’t I just say, “Hey, asshole! That’s not how I like it! Dial it down a notch.”? I mean, do I really need some super secret magic word to let my partner know that I need help in a scene?

Depends.

On what?

You and your partner. 

Huh?

Well, you see…

While you’re constantly hearing people screaming about how no means no and not yes, there really are people (I used to be one of them.) who say no when they mean yes.  It’s more of a “No, I can’t stand it! It feels too good!” than a “No! Oh my god, what the fuck are you doing? STOP!” And it’s not always easy to tell the difference.

Safe words are for people like that.  Or…

Maybe you’re the type of person that really gets into your role in the bedroom.  And when you’re in that zone, you need a certain setting to maintain the mood.  And having someone yell, “Hey, asshole! That’s not how I like it! Dial it down a notch.” would completely destroy the mood for you.

Safe words are for people like that.  Or…

Maybe you just need something extra to make you feel comfortable submitting to someone.  A safety net, if you will.  I mean sure, there’s no guarantee, if you don’t know the person you’re playing with, that they’ll stop if you use your safe word.  But sometimes having that super secret magic word gives the illusion of safety, and is enough for someone.

Safe words are for people like that.  Or…

Maybe you’re brand new, and you’re not sure what you like.  Maybe you’re as submissive as me, and you feel more comfortable letting someone know you’re uncomfortable than telling them to stop or not to do something.  Maybe, when you’re just getting to know your partner, it’s easier on you to say, “Red!” than, “Oh, I don’t like that.  Could you do something else?”

Safe words for people like that.  Or…

As the name suggests, it’s about safety.  They’re not necessary.  If you don’t feel like you need one, don’t use one.  For some reason, they always make me feel more safe when I’m playing with someone new, but the reality is, that’s all they do.  I think we’re calling that “security theater” now.