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NS(K)Q: Q3 – Why isn’t it easy?

November 17th, 2010

NoStupidKinkQuestionsGandhi said that if you want to change the world, you have to be the change you want to see. To that end, Insatiable Desire brings you No Stupid (Kink) Questions, a series of questions asked by novice kinksters around the web. If you have a question for us, leave it in comments, or send it to rayne (at) insatiabledesire (dot) com with “NS(K)Q” in the subject.

Question 3:

I enjoy being controlled, but submitting seems so hard! Why am I having so much trouble doing something I want to do?

It’s never easy giving up control.  That’s really all there is to it. 

In our culture, and many others, power is everything, though we’re told by our parents, teachers, role models and government that’s not true.  People are always screaming about how “survival of the fittest” is dead, but the fact of the matter is, it’s just taken a different course.  For the most part, “survival” no longer means staying alive, and “the fittest” isn’t the strongest person, or the most skilled.  Because we’ve managed to greatly increase our life span, partly in fear of being wrong about what’s on the other side, we’re not quite as concerned with how short life is, as we are with how we live it.  These days, “survival” mostly means “having everything you want in life”, and “the fittest” is the person with the means, or the cleverness, to gain the upper hand. 

Power and money.  Power and money.  Power and money make the world go round.  And the vast majority of us are sitting somewhere in the middle of all that power and money, trying to follow our instincts, and get ahead with strength and skills, and scratching our heads when we’re not raking in the dough.  We haven’t yet figured out how to evolve into the greedy, power hungry bastards who hold the reins to our world.

Whoa.  Got a little preachy, there, for a sec.  Sorry about that.  If you’re still with me, there’s a method to my madness.  Promise.

Because the world revolves around power and money, many of us –men and women– are taught from a very young age that the only way to succeed is to defeat our opponents.  They’re not really people if they don’t serve a purpose in our lives, and besides, we need what they want more than they do.  So why shouldn’t we make sure we get it, and they don’t?

And this is where the war between my submission and society’s ideal begins.

While this isn’t the case for everyone, I’ve noticed that when I surround myself, however innocently, with people who don’t understand my chosen lifestyle, and aren’t afraid to give me their opinion, I start to question my decisions.  Well, I guess question isn’t the right word.  Wonder at? Ponder? Anyway, I’m slowly learning to shut it down, but sometimes, the fact that I –a thirty year old woman, who’s survived mostly on quick wit and a dazzling smile most of my life– have to ask permission to go to the store, or call a friend, or buy a pack of gum gets to me.  Comments like “What are you? Ten years old?” start to get under my skin, and play on my mind.  But I’m gradually gaining the confidence to respond, “No.  I’m a slave.” To myself, and the commenter.

Despite all I’ve been through, and maybe, in part, because of it, I am one strong individual.  I’m like one of those clown dolls everyone had as a kid.  The ones you punched till you were exhausted because they just kept popping up with that stupid grin.  Yeah, I’ve got fears, and confidence issues, and emotional scars, but when push comes to shove, I hold my ground, and put my nose to the grindstone, and kick fucking ass.  My dad used to say if he wanted me to get something done, the best way to force my hand was to piss me off.  Give me the choice of doing what I need to to prove myself, or backing down, and I’ll choose proving myself every time.

Sometimes, I feel like I have to prove myself to my peers to be viewed as a real woman.  But with the cloak and dagger routine that surrounds sex and kink in the real world (as opposed to the imaginary world called “The Intarwebz”), I have no idea who my peers are.  In the street, women around here show a stony face, and iron will.  In the work place, they’re often quibbling amongst themselves, and the men they work with, for recognition and status.  In the home, they act as though they’re the boss when others are within ear shot.  If they’re in an abusive situation, they make a big deal out of the fact that they started it and/or finished it to save face.  They make sure you know they have equal standing in their family, no matter the truth of the situation.  And if that’s how they, and those around them, choose to live, more power to them.  I’m happy that it works for them.  But it’s not what I want, and I’m pissed off, now, and I’m gonna be the best real me I can be.  And fuck society if they can’t accept, or at the very least, tolerate the path I’ve chosen for myself and have, in no way, tried to convert them to.

And ya know, I don’t expect them to stop lecturing me on the definition of a “real woman”, though it would be nice.  I’m not really bothered by the constant insistence that “real men” don’t control their women, despite my opinion that a “real man”, just like a “real woman”, does whatever makes him happy.  I know they mean well.  And some of them really just don’t understand, or are old, either in age, or mind, and set in their ways.  What bothers me is that I let them get into my head.

But maybe it’s not that, for you.  Maybe you’re just still learning.  Maybe you haven’t completely figured out the differences in the way you and your partner communicate.  Maybe you guys just need to sit down, and talk.  Regardless the reason, I suggest you do just that.

In any case, do some soul searching.  I’m sure you’ll figure out what’s causing the block.  With understanding comes acceptance, and the ability to correct the behavior.

  1. Camryn
    May 16th, 2014 at 00:15 | #1

    Giving up control is terrifying to me. I can and will do some subby looking things, secure in the knowledge that it is my choice to do so. The thought of someone forcing me is uncomfortable at best. At worst, I panic and attack somehow.
    Reading this blog has really given me a new admiration for people that can easily take on submissive roles. Ya’ll are tough!

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