Rayne’s been bugging everyone for a guest post defining their kinky selves for the writing project Thirty Days of Kink. Next up, one of our own, Dweaver, who writes erotica.

From Dweaver’s Bio: I’m a 50ish college math teacher who started writing erotica (including BDSM) three years ago. I’ve had an interest in D/s erotica for decades, but developed the desires for BDSM play only recently. In fact, my earlier stories were written before I’d had any real experience at all (both with sex itself, as well as BDSM), something many have expressed surprise over.

Defining my kinky self was supposed to be easy. Five years ago, I was sure I was vanilla. Three years ago, I knew just who and what I was, in terms of kink. I knew what I would enjoy, what would get me off, what made me tick.  Today, none of what I knew is true. What is true today, may well not be in two more years. I wonder sometimes if anyone is truly qualified to say who or what they, themselves are. 

For as long as I’ve been sexually aware, I’ve been interested, very interested, in BDSM. What always seemed strange to me, even then, was that my primary attraction was from the viewpoint of the female submissive. Needless to say, my sexual identity was confused at best back then. But, even today, more sure of my identity as a man than ever, my BDSM fantasies come from the viewpoint of the submissive woman.

It’s a curious thing, though, these fantasies. What we desire in our fantasies isn’t always what we get the most pleasure from in real life; a theme I’ve included in a couple of my stories. Of course, when you’re a guy, whose fantasies are of being a woman, making those fantasies real just isn’t going to happen. But, even those things you think you might be excited by don’t always do what you expect.

When I first realized I was interested in kink beyond reading about it, I felt like I was a dominant. I knew I wasn’t submissive. So, I must have been dominant. That idea lasted until I had the chance to experience BDSM for real. I had been given a chance to have a submissive woman for whatever I wanted for a weekend. I started to discover something that weekend. Dominating her didn’t arouse me. This isn’t to say I didn’t enjoy our time together; I did. I especially enjoyed spanking her with my belt, and going down on her orally. None of it, however, was sexually arousing to me.

This was further reinforced nearly a year later when I was able to travel to visit friends I’d met on then internet. While there, I discovered a liking for being on the receiving end of pain play. In fact, I really, really enjoyed it. I enjoyed it even more than being on the giving end (though I enjoy that still). However, again, there was no sexual arousal from the play. The enjoyment was as much from the sensations and thrill I felt as from knowing that my play partner was enjoying herself. When I mentioned this to the leader of my munch group, there was much nodding and smiling, as if I had joined the ranks of the enlightened.

In a way, that’s kind of what has happened. I’ve discovered that my kink and my sexuality are not intertwined. They’re two separate pieces of who I am. Of course, they’re related simply by being a part of me, but much like one’s job and one’s married life can only intersect on the fringes of one’s life, so too, do my kink and my sexuality intersect on the fringes of my being. I know there are people out there for whom their kink and sexuality are closely bound, integral parts of one another, but I’m not, it seems, one of them.  And you know, that’s just fine. I can live with that.

So, how, in the end, do I define my kinky self? I don’t, for the most part. I try to go with the flow. For now, I enjoy the sadomasochistic lifestyle. I enjoy pushing myself; feeling that burst of living that comes from feeling and giving sensations and pain; of being able to give others the enjoyment that comes from giving and receiving the same. In the end, if I had to try to pin myself down (a risky proposition at best), I’d call myself a pleasurist. I enjoy pleasuring others. It seems to be far less important what it is they enjoy as it is that they are actually enjoying it. Seems like a win-win to me.