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30 Days of Kink: Define Your Kinky Self by Rockin’

November 8th, 2010

Rayne’s been bugging everyone for a guest post defining their kinky selves for the writing project Thirty Days of Kink. Next up, Rockin’ with a Cock In from Light Switch.

From Rockin’s Twitter bio: Sexual. Corporeal. Emotional. Writer of Light Switch. Reviewer. Lover.

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Define your kinky self for us.

I identify as a switch, sadist, and masochist. I haven’t been comfortable with these identities for that long, so it feels a little strange just putting them all out there for you to read. Perhaps some background would help. Let me take you back to when I first learned about BDSM, which was in high school. 

Back in high school, I was confronted with suggestions that I was a dominant person. People would say I “wore the pants” in my relationships, for instance. I wasn’t a violent person, but I was confident. I wasn’t sure what a dominatrix was, but people said they bet I’d be one behind closed doors. All of these perceptions upset me because I didn’t want to come off like a hot-headed woman; I didn’t want to seem scary. So, at least for a while, I didn’t entertain notions that these dominant aspects of my personality could be good things.

In college I experienced more of the same comments from friends. They weren’t trying to hurt me by implying that I’d be a fiery, dominant sexual person, but I was afraid to own that part of myself. I was afraid it would scare off the men to whom I was attracted. As a sort of coping device, I started writing privately about sexual fantasies where I was submissive. I didn’t want to appear weak-willed or suggestible in front of people I knew; I was too proud. But in private writings, and in my mind, I entertained numerous fantasies of submission, discipline, and being used. Nearly all the kinky erotica I read during that time focused around submissive women. I kept this part of myself hidden.

After becoming comfortable with my submissive side, I discovered the identity of a “switch.” I loved the word as soon as I saw it, even though I wasn’t quite sure what it implied. Did a switch have control over her mindset? Would she switch from being submissive one minute to feeling dominant the next? Some reading calmed my overactive mind. Switches are comfortable being dominant or submissive. I liked that idea, even though I wasn’t really comfortable being either of those things around other people.

These days I’m much more aware of what makes me tick when it comes to sexual encounters. Mental domination and submission is incredibly sexy to me. Physical restraints and impact toys can be hot, but I need some sort of reverence during their application or use. While I enjoy looking at bondage pictures, and would like to acquire more equipment of that nature, the materials themselves aren’t particularly erotic to me. When I finger a heavy metal ring on a collar or wrap leather around my wrists, I’m thinking about what the objects represent. I can just as easily be controlled with words and nonverbal cues as I can be with actual restraints. In fact, while I enjoy the sensual benefits of leather, metal, and nylon, I would feel a deeper level of power exchange if these implements weren’t involved.

I enjoy giving control over to another person, and I relish in taking control when it is given to me. Submission is second nature to my boy, and he’s really helped bring out the dominant part of me. Sometimes I still feel unsure of myself in a dominant role, but it’s getting easier with practice and time. I think submission comes easier to me because I’ve been comfortable with the idea for a long time already.

I don’t feel a need for power exchange in everyday situations. For the most part, I’m comfortable having equal power with my partner when we’re interacting. Occasionally, I’ll want to serve him, or want him to snuggle up to me as though he’s my pet. The other 98% of our power exchanges take place during sexual or otherwise erotic interactions.

I’ve been familiar with pain as an erotic experience for a while now. I used to give myself pain during masturbation and I enjoyed it very much. Allowing someone else to inflict pain has not been difficult for me. On the other hand, hurting someone else with their permission is still a tricky concept. I enjoy it, but also feel guilty at the same time, even though I know I am allowed to be flogging, pinching, or slapping the person. I’m working on becoming a more confident dominant person.

I’ve known about BDSM for about a decade, but it’s taken me a while to become comfortable with my identity. I’ve learned to enjoy pain as an erotic experience. I’ve learned to have healthy kinky interactions with my partner. I am aware of what specific aspects of power exchange turn me on. I like to submit, dominate, and give and receive pain. My name is Rockin’, and I am a switch.

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