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Letter 7: Someone I Wish Could Forgive Me

November 2nd, 2010

I took a break from the letters because so many of them are negative.  For me.  Maybe not for everyone else who is/was participating.  I have mentioned a time or two that my past was rough, right? But the negativity was getting inside my head, and bringing me down, and I needed to put it away for a while.  However, the reigning theory is still that in order to get over it, you have to face it.  So here’s another letter.

Dear S,

I’m not sure why I think about it as much as I do.  I’m betting you don’t.

The more I think about it, the more I stop caring whether or not those of you who feel you were wronged by me in defense of the ex forgive me.  Because not a single one of you cared about why I was acting the way I was.  Not one of you took a second to step outside of yourselves for a moment, and figure out what was going on with me.  You just deemed me a bitch, and moved on. 

You, of all people, should know the kinds of things I went through with this man.  You were supposed to be my best friend, and yet it was your friends he was constantly cheating on me with.  And the only reason you told me about the one you did is because he started trying to pull his controlling bullshit with her, too, and you actually cared enough about her to get involved.

As if I could have somehow made him stop.  But you counted on just me knowing being enough for him to leave her alone.  And you were right.

I never told you how I paid for that day.

And I get it.  You didn’t understand how I could stay with this person who put me, my friends, my children, my family in danger.  Why I lied about him, and for him, and protected him from the rest of the world to the best of my ability, and worked so hard to make him happy.

I still don’t understand it.  I just remember the fear.

I think what bothers me the most is that the defining moment was when I wouldn’t save your friend.  When I refused to confront him about what was really going on between them.  And when I refused to leave him when he threatened to kill you.

But you introduced them.  And you didn’t tell me what was going on between them until you thought she was in danger.

Ya know, I guess I don’t wish you could forgive me, after all.  I’m kinda glad you went on your merry little way without me.  With friends like you, who needs enemies? Really.

~Moving On

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