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Not Quite Freefalling… Yet.

October 6th, 2010

I know I didn’t post yesterday.  I’m kind of forcing myself to post today.  I’m not slacking.  I’m just busy with things I’d like to be doing over the holidays.  Starting with M’s birthday on the eighth of this month, and ending with the new year.  And I don’t just mean things M and I will be doing together in the privacy of our own home.  But things we’ll be doing here, and on Mindcryme.com, as well.

For example, be keeping your eyes peeled for a Halloweeny Fleshlight giveaway in honor of M’s birthday.  And I’m working out the details for a Toys for Tots drive.  And there may or may not be discussion about a Liberator giveaway around the time of our wedding anniversary.

Yesterday, M took me out to lunch.  I really didn’t deserve it.  I’d been pissy all morning.  But He took me anyway.  And after He pointed out how bitchy I was being, I tried to curb it. 

The waitress hit on me! And it was pretty obvious she knew what my collar was.  It was awesome.

M’s been insistent upon me wearing my leather collar and cuffs around the house every day.  Until the other day, He’d not really been bothered with them for months.  And these days, I’m required to have the leash on, too.  When we’re sitting together, He holds it.  Sometimes just tightly enough that I can’t quite sit comfortably.

He’s been concentrating on getting me back in the “property” head space.  It’s easy to slip out of when you’re treated almost as an equal most of the time.

I noticed, yesterday, that I’ve been sort of resistant.  Almost as if I’m suddenly afraid, again, that if I just let go, I’ll be lost, or will lose what I’ve fought so hard to attain.  And I’m not even sure what that is.  Heh.

So, I went over it again, in my mind.  Do I want to be a slave? Yes.  Do I like being a slave? Most of the time.  Are the parts of being a slave that I don’t like bad enough to consider requesting release? Nope.  So, why am I so resistant when M starts reining me in?

And I honestly don’t know.  Maybe it’s the lack of consistency.  Maybe Master hasn’t found the best way to teach me, yet.  Maybe I really am that wild stallion that constantly tests his boundaries (though I swear I’m female!) looking for a weakness.  Maybe I just need to fight once in a while.  Maybe I really am afraid.  Maybe it’s all of the above.

I tried to talk myself into letting go.  I visualized myself on the edge of a huge cliff, and considered just opening my arms and leaping into the wind.  And for a while, I felt better.  Hell, I still feel better than I did when I first realized I was balking a little bit.  And just writing this has eased some of the anxiety.  But even in my visualization, I couldn’t bring myself to step off the edge.

You know, I haven’t meditated in forever.  I think it’s time.

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  1. October 8th, 2010 at 02:22 | #1

    Rayne,

    There’s another possibility; maybe you need to pull back to feel M pull you in. I’ve written seertal times about how submissives wil pull against the bonds when they’re tied up, not to get free, but to make sure they can’t get free.

    Dave

  2. October 8th, 2010 at 02:23 | #2

    @dweaver999 that’s “several” times. Sheesh, my fingers are nuts today.

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