Home > Rants > Kink is bad, mmkay? It destroys families.

Kink is bad, mmkay? It destroys families.

September 7th, 2010

I don’t read Eden Cafe quite as often as I should, being a writer there.  It’s not that I don’t love them muchly.  If you read my Versatile Blogger Award post, you know I think the writers are great, and I love their intended message.

Thing is… I don’t agree with a lot of it.  And even less, recently.

For example, there’s a series about how an affair can help your marriage, and one about asshole things guys do during sex, and…

There were others, but I’ve given up trying to look for them.  Maybe it’s not AD(H)D.  Maybe it’s just laziness.  Though I have been looking for about half an hour, so I suppose that’s pretty good.  For me.

But this one really got my hackles up.  And it’s kind of all a jumble in my mind, so don’t be surprised if it’s a jumble here.

The other day, an article from an anonymous blogger calling herself DivaIncognita went up on Eden Cafe about finding out about a relative’s secret kinky side.  I read it for the first time, today, and then made the mistake of reading the accompanying blog.

I had two very strong reactions:

  1. Who the hell does this chick think she is?
  2. Oh my god, I bet that’s my sister.

M and Cin both immediately pointed out the obvious.  “But you’re not a dominatrix.”   And, well, duh.  And isn’t it funny that they ignored all the other key differences.  Like the fact that I’m the eldest, and my sister only has one child, and we don’t have any brothers, and my family’s Methodist, not Mormon.  But think about it this way…

You’re relatively feminist, not even remotely kinky, and relatively sure that if your sister finds out you’ve found her out and didn’t tell her, she’s going to be severely pissed off.  You’re also relatively sure your sister’s far too intelligent to read a scenario describing her own exactly without knowing exactly who you are.  And you’re sort of intrigued by the idea of a) writing for a sex toy store’s blog, b) writing for the same one your sister writes for, and c) talking about how devastated you were when you found her out.

Wouldn’t you change all the details, too? So completely different that even you don’t recognize your own life, so she won’t figure out who you are?

And that, right there, folks, is at least half my paranoia problem.  The vast majority of my paranoias are based in reality.

I’m really not sure what irritates me most about this woman’s reaction to her sister’s lifestyle.  But there are quite a few things I’d have to say to my sister if I found out this DivaIncognita was her.

  • I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but… I mean, let’s face it.  Going onto a sex toy store’s blog and finding your sister writing about kink, then following that blog to your sister’s FetLife page, which you then follow to her kink blog is not the best way to find out your sister’s kinky.  So for that, I’m sorry.  However…
  • My lifestyle/sex life is none of your business unless I make it your business. I realize it’s on the web.  I realize nothing’s private on the web.  But if I didn’t tell you how to find it, chances are, I didn’t want to you to find it.  And to me, reading my blog and FetLife profile without telling me is a lot like reading my journal.  I have a reasonable expectation of you never seeing it because I know that you are, as you put it, “completely vanilla”.
  • Your very public ridicule doesn’t do much for drawing me closer. Matter of fact, it just pisses me off.  And makes it pretty clear that…
  • Obviously, I was right in not trusting you to react how I hope any accepting, loving sister would react. I mean, look at you! You’ve got a whole blog aimed at how funny my interests are! You “had a breakdown” and want to save me from my friends, rather than try to understand me.  Why should I have trusted you?
  • My sex life has nothing to do with the rift between us. That you think my sex life could possibly affect my relationship with my family is reason enough for a rift.  Or maybe it’s your severe case of entitlement syndrome? Your ludicrous expectation that I not have a life just because I’m the aunt of your children? Your asinine assertion that I should share every sordid detail of my life with you? The fact that you not only gossip about me with our family, but with the whole. entire. internet.? I dunno.  Pick one.  Or… you know… Just fucking ask me!
  • No one’s entitled to my time besides my husband.  This includes you, and the rest of our family. Not too long ago, I read this article complaining about restrictive master/slave relationships that refuse the slave’s family access.  I don’t remember if the article or a comment said that it was unfair to the slave’s family, and called it “Forcing your kink on them”.  And I call bullshit.  The only person in this world entitled to my time is my husband.  The rest of you? Sharing my time is a privilege, just as me being able to share your time is.
  • The phone, the internet, planes, train tracks, buses and the roads all work both ways. It’s not only my responsibility to keep in touch with you.  It’s also your responsibility to keep in touch with me.  And you don’t.  So until you do? I’ll pass on the guilt trip, please and thanks.
  • The next time you find something out about me that causes you to “have a breakdown”, how about coming to me instead of the worldwide web? While I’ll admit that I pay more attention to the internet than I do my family, that does not make it okay to let me know you know who I am by ridiculing me on an anonymous blog, and being all “Woe is me.  My sister is destroying my family by being kinky.” on a blog I work for.  Matter of fact, I’d say it’s probably the perfect reason NOT to do those things.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  If you don’t understand something I say or do, ask me about it.  Saves on a world of heartache.
  1. September 7th, 2010 at 20:24 | #1

    Ugghhh, that EC post made me sick. And her blog made me sicker. Glad you addressed a number of the issues that came up in that post.

  2. September 8th, 2010 at 10:14 | #2

    I’ve had some irks with all of the posts you’ve linked. The ones by Ava Darke bothered me most, but that’s because of the blatant condoning of cheating and dishonesty.

    The Diva person seems like a busy body and a judgmental one at that. The comment where she freaked out and suggested her sister was in some sort of BDSM cult was kind of crazy. Her blog is definitely worse.

  3. September 8th, 2010 at 12:39 | #3

    The post was “meh”. She seemed like an idiot, but people have differing opinions. The blog is what gets me? WTF? “OMG! MY SISTER WILL HATE ME.” then “Haha. You’re a dominatrix. Freak.”

    wtf?

  4. September 8th, 2010 at 21:12 | #4

    @rockinwithacockin.blogspot.com/ @Sarahbear @Kayla I just really don’t get it. It’s like Intervention meets the school bully, with a dash of Full House thrown in for appearances.

  5. alyson
    September 9th, 2010 at 09:35 | #5

    I’m a bit amused by the backtracking she’s doing in the comments. It seems like she can’t get her story straight. Which makes me think there’s no story and she just made something up because she’s anti-kink. Or that she doesn’t like the comments so felt that she needed to defend herself. It is, of course, possible that her sister really is in something that isn’t safe, but Diva has now shown herself to be so untrustworthy as a reporter about the entire thing that no one could really be able to tell.

  6. September 9th, 2010 at 11:11 | #6

    @alyson Ugh. Now I remember why I didn’t subscribe to comments. But at least I’m not the only one who was bothered by that article.

  7. September 9th, 2010 at 14:01 | #7

    Have you considered the discrepancies are to keep the person’s persona private? Regarding the original post I DO feel this way…if sex were more open and not so taboo this wouldn’t be such an issue, right?
    None of this is bogus… My blog exaggerates and some of the posts are made out to be plain ol’ funny. Think SNL. I’m making fun of myself, too, here. I’m not a snot. I thought that would come across in the humor of the blog. Lots of people think it’s hilarious, so… humor is sometimes the best medicine, right?
    Next, the details seem astray because I haven’t given them all. See?
    I DO love my sister and so I’ve not disclosed everything in specific detail, nor do I want to see this come back on my name or my husband’s career. There are some things you just don’t need to know, however, I’ve shared MORE of the real story within the EC comments. Put 2+2 together and you’ve got the gist of it…
    Again, I don’t like it when people are judgmental. And look how judgmental you’ve all been towards me in these comments. I AM very open to all sorts of lifestyle choices. I DO wish sex were more acceptable in society so that this sort of thing wouldn’t happen: why she had to hide and cut off all contact from family because of it I don’t understand. What I wish? She could have said “hey, this is what I’m into/doing/how I live. Now, let’s move on and get back to our friendship”. You say I’ve deviated from the original post, however, I still stand by that. However, I am not so happy that I’ve been lied to, or that she would choose to throw away a lifetime of memories or friendship with me or any of the relationships she had (family and friends) or that this seems MORE controlling and dangerous than the safe, sane and consensual kink I’ve read up on since finding out about her secret lifestyle. No, I’m not happy about that and I don’t think I should have to be. I’m not switching my stance in regards to her to be around my children – I wish she COULD have a relationship with them. What I’m saying is since she’s lied and since she’s obviously made this such an important part of her life as well as the people I’ve seen whom she associates with: I would never trust her around my children and I don’t trust her current position with her public employer working with children. It is now my choice that she not be around my children. In the same way, if YOU had children would you want them around people who lied to you? To judge me for that is kinda judgmental, right? Whereas prior to my knowing about her lifestyle, I was upset because she never came around to see them now I cannot, as their mother, let her be around them. I find that a very normal reaction. Further, picture an older sister doing things for a younger sister…taking her places. Paying for her. Doting on her. Teaching her things. Etc. I did lots of things for and with her, that were important to her. I was there for her. Because I loved her. Now, imagine not getting that in return. Many of you feel irked at your families, so put yourself in my shoes. For example, imagine a parent not coming to your wedding. A close friend or spouse not making it to a graduation you worked hard to achieve. NOW picture having two children and your sister whom you were always very close to shows no interest in something that means a lot to you, and suddenly. Then she starts lying to you.
    While I stand by my original post, I still don’t condone her actions in dealing with me and the family. I would rather she said “hey, I’m going to lay low for a while. I love you but I’m just not interested in being an aunt right now. I need some time away and I need you to respect that.” Or, how about “Sis, I love you and I’m happy you just gave birth but I have a happening spanking convention I want to make it to. Congratulations, though, and I’m so happy for you and your hubby.” See, that would have been HONEST (the type of non-taboo honesty I was speaking of on my EC post) and I could have handled that. Instead, I feel she slapped me in the face, in such a selfish way. Imagine giving and giving to someone and then having them slap you in the face when you needed a hand. Surely, you’ve had people do that to you in your life? Surely you agree it doesn’t feel good? And that’s how this feels, in addition to the shock of it.
    As Alyson says above “It is, of course, possible that her sister really is in something that isn’t safe”. <- Yeah, maybe it is.
    Maybe YOU are all into kink in a safe, fine way. And I can absolutely respect that. But THIS situation? Based on ALL the details I am privy to which include medical and mental information, plus her drama queen attitude and lies is not. What I was hoping was to find HELP in the kink community to figure out how to bridge the gap. Instead, you'll all just judge me and put me down. Thanks!

  8. September 9th, 2010 at 14:19 | #8

    @Diva Incognita I’m really not sure how you expected those of us in the kink community to react to ridicule and disdain.

    Were we supposed to pat your hand and lead you to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? I mean, you don’t even know us, and you want to save your sister from us! What a way to show you want to understand us!

    You weren’t reaching out to the kink community. You were looking for someone to say, “Oh, you poor, poor dear. What an awful sister you have! How dare she have a life of her own and not concern herself with what you think of it?!”

    Unfortunately, I don’t see it that way.

    Maybe your sister is in a dangerous situation. Maybe she isn’t. Without knowing who she is, and hearing her side of the story, I can’t even begin to make that judgment call. And maybe not even then. So many things in kink are open to interpretation.

    But the fact remains that, regardless of whether or not her dominant is an abuser, she chose not to share it with you for a reason. For whatever reason, she didn’t feel like she could trust you with that information. That’s a clear indication that the problem lies much deeper than her current sexual interests/relationship.

    I know it’s a hard pill to swallow, but them’s the ropes, sweets.

    Oh, and, just for the record? There are quite a few kinksters who list “isolation, permanent or temporary” as one of their kinks. And quite a few others who get involved with people specifically because the person has an interest in keeping them isolated from the whole world, not just family or friends.

  9. September 9th, 2010 at 15:06 | #9

    But why? What do you get out of any of it? What is the draw to being purposely isolated or having your body torched or dressing and acting like a child while people beat you and rape you? To the vast vanilla world, “them’s the ropes, sweets” just doesn’t cut it – it just sounds sick, like it’s a legal way to act out otherwise illegal things you (I hope) and I agree ARE wrong – acting out children getting hurt. I’m looking for insight here and still cannot find the reasoning behind acting like a child getting raped, beaten or otherwise humiliated. Again, I get that kink IS a thing people do. But why act as a child through any part of it. Further, if you are acting as a child during age play, if that’s a “place you need to go to feel right in your mind” as she says, then how can she be mentally able to deal with children in her job, to be the adult they need to guide them. What if she reverts to this age play while dealing with them or what if her dominant asks her to insert some sort of humiliation into her work with kids…. I still don’t think that’s right. I hope you don’t either. I GET a smack or whip or whatever – bondage, etc. But the child stuff just seems like it goes too far, especially when working with children. I wouldn’t want someone working with my children after seeing photos where they’d acted out rape scenes and such….would you?

  10. September 9th, 2010 at 15:30 | #10

    @Diva Incognita You may as well be asking why some people prefer chocolate, while others prefer peanut butter, and still others like them mixed.

    For some people, age play is a way of acting out and dealing with abuse in their past. A sort of “therapy”, if you will. For others, it’s a safe way to experiment with something taboo.

    You need to realize, though, that the vast majority of these people are under no delusion that the person they’re playing with is a child, nor do they wish they were. It’s a role they play, and that’s that.

    Just because your sister sexualizes her internal little girl doesn’t mean she sexualizes real children. There’s a very distinct line between someone who participates in age play, and a pedophile. The latter actually involves children.

    Unless your sister’s bonkers, I can’t see her “reverting to age play” while dealing with the kids she works with. But if she did let her childlike persona out in the play room (or where ever she works with kids), as long as she maintained control of the classroom, and just put herself on their level conversationally, and such, what would be the harm? I think our kids would learn from us better if we tried to remember what it’s like to be them, and stopped trying to drag them up to our level.

    And yes. There are quite a few men and women I’ve seen in photos where they acted out rape and torture scenes that I would trust with my children’s lives. With my own life. With the lives of anyone you ask about. Because we’re intelligent enough to know where the line is, and stay on the right side of it.

    “Kinky” is not synonymous with “morally bankrupt”.

  11. September 9th, 2010 at 18:34 | #11

    YOU may be intelligent enough to know where the line is, and I’ll give you that, Rayne. I don’t necessarily trust she is. Remember, I grew up with her. ; )
    What of those who say they were born “this way”, as she does in her blog? Abuse wouldn’t have anything to do with it, right?
    Take this situation: A male boy scout leader is highly regarded in his church/community. One day, photos pop up which show him dressed in a boy scout costume being raped.
    Tell me the general public, media, prosecuting attorney and the parents of the boys he leads will understand this or say it’s normal or allowable? They won’t. There comes a point where you can defend it all you want but majority rules: it ISN’T normal.
    That’s the stuff I’m talking about.

  12. September 9th, 2010 at 18:40 | #12

    “raped”, I mean. As in it looks real but it’s “play”. Those parents won’t think it’s play or normal that their sons boy scout leader was dressing up like a boy scout during his sexual play. What must he think during his meetings with those boys? To dress up as a boy scout and act out rape scenes would be highly abnormal and pedaphile-ish if you are also a boy scout leader. In fact, portraying a child during sexual play or in photos in some states is a felony….. So again, then why post it online AT ALL? That right there shows an irresponsibility and voyeurism which isn’t going to be understood or highly regarded during the court hearing. At that point, the man’s credibility is shot: any child interviewed who said one thing which sounded like he’d looked at them the wrong way could be prosecuted and his posting the photos online would be further proof they could use against him. Again, I still don’t think this sort of example is normal. It’s still a form of child porn, if you ask me.

  13. September 9th, 2010 at 18:41 | #13

    Regardless of what she may say now about the situation or whatever else, I disliked the article, and I do find her judgemental. I found that pretty sad. I also suspect there are more reasons than kink why her sister isn’t living the life the rest of the family may have wished for her – which are likely more complex than any of that.

    Personally, I find it odd that the first thing you’d do upon finding out something that is clearly so huge to you would be to set up a website about it…

    LF x

  14. September 9th, 2010 at 19:09 | #14

    @Diva Incognita The thing you and others most often seem to forget about these United States is that this country was founded on the belief in siding with the majority while protecting the rights of the minority. What we’ve striven for almost since the day we revolted against the Redcoats is acceptance and tolerance.

    My lifestyle, your sister’s lifestyle, the lifestyle of that Boy Scout leader, so long as we’re not hurting anyone who didn’t consent to it, is none of your business. It’s none of the parents’ business. It’s definitely none of the boys’ business.

    There’s a difference between believing we have a right to sexual freedom, and the ability to openly discuss sex, and welcoming the whole world into our bedroom. While some of us, like my owner and myself, don’t necessarily feel the need to keep our sexual appetites, sadomasochistic interests, and kinks often viewed as “extreme” or “taboo” private, others do.

    Me? I tell my family, “I blog on an adult site. You probably won’t like what you see there. You’ve been warned.”

    I sent them to Eden Fantasys knowing I have pictures of my face there, and reviews of kink items, and a link back to my blog, and one to my FetLife page. And I’ve told my family that they won’t like what they see there. So if they go read it, and they don’t like it, that’s their problem. Not mine.

    This, my dear, is your problem. Not your sister’s. Get over yourself.

    @LivingFire Right? People are so bizarre.

  15. September 9th, 2010 at 22:38 | #15

    With all due respect, I only commented on your blog in the first place because you wrote me such a pointed post… Otherwise I would have been minding my own business.
    Anyone who thinks they have earned the right to pretend to be a child getting raped during sexual acts whilst working with children in their career because they live in America is sick. This is why so many politicians, teachers and other public service employees get fired when caught in these sorts of acts – it’s NOT an American right to be able to do these things. The potential lawsuit from parents to the city or state as well as to the fired employee is huge. Keeping the employee on is a huge liability – the employer legally CAN’T allow that person to continue to work with children. All of this can be backed up legally which shows that no, it is NOT an American right to portray a child being raped during sexual acts while working with children in your career.
    By the way, keeping someone as a slave and beating them into submission is ILLEGAL, too. It’s not an American right. There are countless cases whereby prosecutors have won against those who have been hurt when play went too far, even when it was “consensual”. And countless more where people were put in jail for portraying children during sexual acts. In AZ, portraying a child during sexual acts carries a sentence of 20 years per photograph obtained. 20 years doesn’t sound like it’s an American right, rather it sounds illegal.
    I’m done. Your opinions are too “bizarre” for me.

  16. September 10th, 2010 at 09:19 | #16

    @Diva Incognita I suppose we will have to agree to disagree. Because personally, I think the sickness is yours.

    While you are correct, it doesn’t say in the Constitution “You’re allowed to fuck in any way you wish.”, it does say you have the right to privacy. What better place to apply this right than our bedrooms?

    The problem isn’t the people acting out fantasies, and/or wishing they were sexualized as a child. The problem is people like you who cannot fathom the difference between a fully grown woman dressed up like Little Red Riding Hood, and a child.

    For the record, that law in Arizona (I use Google, too!) prohibits actual children in pornographic material. Not an adult acting/dressed like a child in pornographic material. So far, the only thing I’ve seen that is prohibited by law is making a childlike character in a virtual game and participating in sexual acts with it. Though I’d like to see some links to cases where people participating in age play who didn’t involve an actual minor were convicted and sent to prison, since there are so many. I tend to keep my thumb on the heartbeat of kinky news, and hell if I’ve heard of any. But that’s not surprising, with people like you making up statistics all willy nilly.

    And you’re right. Keeping someone as a slave against their will, and forcing them to submit to you is illegal. But there have been just as many cases brought before the court with concrete proof that the relationship is/was consensual, and the judge agreed there was no crime committed.

    At least you’ve made it clear to everyone who isn’t you exactly why your sister isn’t interested in continuing a relationship with you. I’m sure if she ever figures out who you are, that’ll make her feel much better about her decision.

  17. September 16th, 2010 at 16:10 | #17

    Sorry to dredge this back up… but I like a little kitty play every now and then… does that mean we flout anti-beastiality laws? hmm…? And likewise do I think kitties deserve to be spanked and fucked…? No…

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