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Public Protocol – His Way or No Way

August 4th, 2010

A while back, a couple of my friends asked me what’s keeping M and me from going to public kink stuff.  Munches, play parties, events, what have you.  I usually poo-poo it off with our shyness and lack of fetish wear.  My low self-esteem, and His gimongous workload.  Our empty wallet.  But there’s more to it that I don’t often talk about.

M’s afraid I’ll embarrass Him.  Either with a disrespectful joke at His expense, or my tendency to interrupt and talk over Him, or my occasional temper tantrums, or… He doesn’t mind so much that I’m clumsy.  It brings Him countless hours of entertainment.  It’s mostly the disrespectful behavior that He has a problem with. 

And it’s not just something He’s pulling out His ass.  I do all those things when we’re out with our non-kinky friends, and with kink-aware friends who know about our dynamic.  So it’s not a far stretch to assume I’d be the same way in a kink venue.  Though I think even M has to admit I’ve gotten much better.  There have been conversations with friends that I didn’t say a word because every time I had something to say, M started talking before I had the chance, and when He was finished, one of our friends was talking.

It suits me fine, though.  You learn a lot when you just listen.  About the people around you and the subject at hand.

Every time I tell someone M’s afraid I’ll embarrass Him, they get… quiet.  They seem unsure of what to say.  Especially those who mostly know me online.  (Though I still say that’s a product of heavy backspace use.)

My friends are not the safety police.  Even when asked directly what they think of parts of someone’s dynamic, they don’t tell them it’s wrong.  They just discuss how they might do things differently.  What’s more comfortable for them.  Just another of the things that is really fantastic about the current crowd I run in.

But it’s obvious they don’t understand M’s position.  And I never really know how to explain it without sounding like an abused housewife, so I usually don’t really try.  I just tell them what He tells me.

Always, I’m assured that there is no real fetish etiquette anymore.  That people just act like who they are when they’re out and about.  That sometimes shit happens, and someone’s punished either in public or at home, and life goes on, and people roll with the punches just like in real life.  And I believe them.  And it sounds blissful.

But it’s not what M wants for us.

M wants dominant people around us who aren’t going to tell me His high expectations are ridiculous.  He wants people who, regardless of whether or not they agree with them, are going to uphold His rules.  Who will treat me the way a slave should be treated, in His mind, and won’t coddle or pamper me.  Who will expect and demand respect from me simply because they are free and I am a slave, the way He does.

That’s not to say He allows them to order me around, or anything like that.  There are some instances where I would be expected to obey.  For example, say M’s conversing with a dominant and the man runs out of beer.  He turns and hands me his cup and tells me to refill it.  M’s mostly ignoring me anyway, so there’s no reason for me to refuse.  And while I’m gone, I can grab something for M, too.  However, if he decided he needed to get his dick wet, and turned to me and told me to suck it, unless M had given him prior permission, and had conveyed His wishes to me, I could politely tell the man to go fuck himself.

He both loves and hates the fact that my submissive friends are all over the board with their levels of submission, but He doesn’t much care how much or how little someone submits so long as they don’t try to change my mind about my level of submission.

I’m allowed to be who I am.  I’m allowed to enter a room with a smile and a giggle and wave to all my friends and have loud, boisterous conversations, and dance and have fun, and… But first, I must get permission to leave His side, or drag Him along with me (I prefer the latter.).  And I’m to be sure I don’t talk over M, or interrupt Him, or be disrespectful in any way.

I’m expected to maintain a pleasant demeanor at all times.  Should an issue arise, I’m expected to take it up with Him when we get home, not in the middle of the restaurant, or shopping center, or kink club, or munch location, or where ever we are.  And I’m expected to continue to appear to be having a good time.

I’m not to be rude, or condescending.  I’m to treat the other dominants with respect, and serve in a hostess capacity even if we’re not hosting, and be cordial with the other submissives regardless of how I feel about them (Though He won’t reprimand me if I end up in a spat with one.  He finds arguments among slaves amusing.).  I am a slave, and I should behave as such.

I don’t have to bend and scrape and beg and… But I do have to show humility, and use honorifics with those M has specified I should.  My place should be clear in how I carry myself, how I speak to others, how I interact with M.

I’m still working on all that.  And while it’s fine that it’s not required in most kinky get-togethers, it’s one of M’s requirements.

Yeah… I wish He’d just drop it so we can start attending kinky venues, and maybe put together a kink event or two, and all kinds of fun stuff like that.  But honestly? If He did just drop it, I’d lose a lot of respect for Him.  Because it’s not Him who needs to bend.  It’s me.

  1. August 4th, 2010 at 16:17 | #1


    And that’s the way it should be. Your position is the opposite of what I usually hear/read about. The usual problam is how the couple with little or no protocal requirements deals with being in a venue that’s full of high protocal. My thought process at those circumstances is that each slave should follow whatever protocal levels their master established (if any). The only exception would be if the entire event was previously established to be at some higher level of protocal. Then the couple has the choice of attending or not.

    Why anyone would expect a couple to give up their requirements just because most people don’t ahve them anymore just boggles the mind.


  2. August 4th, 2010 at 16:48 | #2

    @dweaver999 Ya know, it’s funny. Maybe I’m not looking in the right places, or getting M excited enough. But I’ve yet to find any sort of kink venue with protocol in place. I mean, couples who have public protocols set, and follow those regardless of the venue’s protocol. But none with any set for the event.

    I have fantasies of a Gorean weekend and other neato themed stuff like that, but until I start making like Nike, I’m kinda stuck.

    I’m trying? 😉

  3. August 5th, 2010 at 07:18 | #3


    To be honest, I’ve never been in a venue with it’s own protocal rules; just some basic courtesy rules for interacting around others and scenes. My observation comes from reading about (and listening to) others talk about such venues; and most of that was years ago (in the 90s), so I ahve no idea if such venues actually exist any more.


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