So not too long ago, I joined a group on Fet called Not Quite Ready For Polite Company M/s-ers .  I haven’t done a whole lot of participating.  Or reading, for that matter.  Matter of fact, the only reason I’ve been on Fet at all in the past few weeks is because Kaya dropped me a line.  So I’m really not sure if I’m suited to this group.  I followed Kaya and tora there, and have only sort of been paying attention to the topics of discussion and how people respond.  (Read: I have no idea if you’ll like this group.  Don’t join just because I did thinking it’s gonna be super cool.)

A while back, though, they had a thread about this.  Sort of.  The questions were, “Are you required to maintain a pleasant demeanor at all times? How’s that working out for you?” 

I responded, basically, that M required honest expression of my emotion.  But the more I think about that, the more I wonder how true it is.

He wants to know everything I think and feel.  That part is true.  He wants me to tell Him when I have an issue.  He doesn’t want me to have an issue, but how many of us can honestly say we want our significant others to have issues with us? And He doesn’t want me to be disrespectful when I express my emotions, regardless of how upset I am.

Generally speaking, I figure that’s logical.  I mean, I’m the slave.  And if I were mature enough, and had actually learned how to process and express negative emotion the way society says is the correct way (calmly and coherently), grasped the concept of admitting I’m wrong when I am (rather than acting as though it were the end of the world), it would probably be rather easy.

Where I run into a brick wall is feeling like when M says, “You’re being a cunt.  Approach me the correct way and maybe I’ll listen to you.” He’s really saying, “Nothing you say is valid.  Shut the fuck up and be happy I treat you as well as I do.”  Which, you know, would be His right, me being a no limits slave and all, but that’s not what He’s saying.

On the other hand, I guess I feel like my explosive, passionate responses to things are part of who I am.  And He should be able to accept that.

But it’s not that He hasn’t accepted it.  It’s that He wants me to grow out of it.  He wants me to learn to react with maturity, and maintain my composure.  And I don’t suppose there’s anything wrong with that.  It just pisses me off because I can’t figure out how, and the more I try, the more I feel like a failure.

Holding myself in check, though, makes me feel like I’m lying by omission.  Like M can’t possibly understand how I feel if I don’t throw a fit.

And I think it hurts my pride.  Especially the whole getting on my knees, and asking him to consider my problem thing.  I feel like I’m entitled to Him hearing me out, agreeing that He’s being a jerk, and just do what needs to be done to fix my unhappiness (I know I’m not.).  And I feel like He fostered that bit of entitlement syndrome by telling me He prefers making me happy.  Which probably isn’t the smartest thing to point out, but it is what it is.

I’m really not playing the blame game, here, I’m just thinking through the reasons I chomp at the bit when it comes to approaching my problems His way.

Basically, I’m a bitch.

Blah… The first step is admitting you have a problem, right?

But I don’t suppose what M expects from me is fake pleasantries, so much as the respect He deserves as my owner.  Simply because He’s my owner, not necessarily because He’s earned it.  But because He’s earned it, too.