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SJP#386 – Broken Toys

July 22nd, 2010

How do you feel about the idea of ‘breaking a slave’?

Scared.  Intrigued.  Excited.  Worried.  Confused.

I never really know for sure what “breaking” entails.  I don’t even really understand what the end game would be.

M talks about breaking me often.  And I can never really decide whether I want Him to or not.  Or what that even means.

Will I still be me? Will I be someone else? I mean, as far as my personality goes.  And why would He want that? I mean, didn’t He like who I was when He met me? Isn’t that the reason He married me? Or was it always with the image of who He could make me in mind? And what does that mean for our relationship?

What if His breaking of me turns me into someone He doesn’t like? Would He be able to break me again and rebuild me into someone with traits He finds desirable? And what would that mean for my already tenuous grip on reality?

And does it really matter? I mean, I think His ultimate goal is for me to be completely content when I’m isolated.  To enjoy the “cunt in a cage” lifestyle that Kaya often used to talk about.  Though I’m not entirely sure how He’s gonna handle it.  He enjoys bringing me places that wouldn’t much care for seeing me wander around in fet-gear far too much for us to become total homebodies.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not so naive that I don’t realize that becoming a slave of the caliber M and I want me to be will, in some ways, change me.  Change who I am.  It already has quite a bit.  It probably will quite a bit more.

I just wonder about my core.  As it is, we’ve whittled it into a shape more pleasing to Him.  And we’re still working at it.  What if it breaks and is irreparable?

I trust Him to take me where He wants me to go.  I believe He’ll bring me back before I stumble too far out of His light.

I guess this is one of the reasons I want to get over my worrying issues.  Because I’m not supposed to worry about where He takes me.  I’m supposed to trust Him implicitly.

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