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SJP#559 – Pain

July 10th, 2010

“And he said, ‘Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.  Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.’” – Kahlil Gibran

The downfall to any serious training always seems to be pain.  Strength training, military training, religious training… Slave training is no different.

All sorts of pain is involved in slave training.  At least in Master’s training of me.

There’s the physical… Being hurt for His pleasure, my pleasure, discipline and punishment.  Being restrained in uncomfortable positions.  Being made to stand, sit or kneel in uncomfortable positions for extended periods of time. 

The physical is easy.  Enduring physical pain lasts only as long as the pain does.  I mean, sure, occasionally there are marks, and the sting of some impact toys lingers longer than the thud of others, and sometimes the muscle strain lasts days.  But when it’s gone, it’s gone.  Till the next time.

Emotional pain, for me, is a little more relentless.  Especially when it comes on the heels of realizing that something in my belief system is wrong, as so often happens during slave training.

In the beginning, Master and I talked about slavery a lot.  And we agreed on pretty much every aspect we discussed.  But we realized that achieving our endgame would result in at least some pain on both our parts.

I’m not really sure either of us was fully prepared for what that meant.  I know I wasn’t.  And occasionally there are indications that M wasn’t really, either.  Like how occasionally, I react rather badly to whatever pain He’s (intentionally or not) inflicted on me.  Or how sometimes He’s affected emotionally by my reaction to the pain.

I mean, here’s this big, bad sadist who enjoys inflicting pain when someone likes it, but also when they don’t, and yet, from time to time, when His little slave girl gets her feelings hurt by something, He feels like a great big doody head and wants to fall all over himself fixing it.  The Guilt Monster grabs Him by the nardlies and twists.  And then He has to figure out whether or not He thinks He should feel bad, or if He should just muscle through till I get over it and get used to it.

I want Him to muscle through.  I’m never going to learn, and I’m always going to react badly, if we don’t find a way beyond whatever hurdle we’re at that hurt my feelings.  But sometimes, in the heat of the moment, I forget that the pain is fleeting and the result is lasting and delicious, and I fight for all I’m worth, or sulk till He can’t take my sadness anymore.

More often than not, He muscles through anyway.  The result is always lasting and delicious, and I always remember, after the fact, that the pain was necessary to achieve the result, but it’s near to impossible to take back any damage I may have done with my sulking or fighting.  And next time, He might not muscle through, having been overwhelmed by my negative reaction, and lost sight of the positive result.

What’s the solution? If I were a good slave, rather than the fairness-seeker I seem to have become, I’d say the solution is for me to stop reacting negatively to hurt feelings.  But how does one even do that? One might as well say a slave should never experience negative emotions.  And that’s just crap.

In reality, the solution requires work on both our parts.  I need to get better about expressing my displeasure without making M feel like He’s doing something wrong by being consistent in our relationship, and be more accepting of decisions He makes that I don’t particularly care for, while M would probably do well to ignore my temper tantrums, stop trying to explain Himself to me so that we both feel better about whatever decision He’s made, and just… muscle through.

Life is pain, highness.  Anyone who says differently is selling something. ~ Westley, The Princess Bride (1987)

prompt found at SubmissiveGuide

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