Home > Rayne > Relationship Foundations – Vanilla v. M/s

Relationship Foundations – Vanilla v. M/s

July 8th, 2010

When Ten Things went live, M retweeted it, and it made me all sorts of excited.  M almost never retweets my posts.  Especially since so many of them have been on more of a personal level than an educational one.

So I asked Him why He did it.  And felt really silly about it.  But I wanted to know.

He said that it’s full of good points, and it’s obvious I’m trying to get back on track, and that I should write more posts like that.  He says He thinks they’ll help me.  I think He might be right.

There’s been a lot of grumblings around the kink farm about how M/s or D/s or O/p or what-the-fuck-ever-your-dynamic-is relationships needing the same basic things as vanilla relationships to survive.  (Yeah, I know.  I’m late to the party.  Again.  Shut up.

Communication, trust, loyalty (not monogamy… they are not the same thing), companionship, consideration…

To an extent, I agree.

I say “to an extent” because one of the biggest problems M and I face is my tendency to approach issues (hurt feelings, M making a mistake, etc.) the same way I would approach them in a vanilla relationship: as if we’re both on equal footing and M has no choice but to compromise.

We are not on equal footing.  And there are rules surrounding how I handle any issues that I might have.  Like maintaining an even tone, and kneeling before Him with my head down while we discuss the issue, and asking respectfully and graciously for Him to consider doing something to fix my issues.

Some slaves I know aren’t allowed to have issues.  Others can have all the issues they want, and their M-type ignores them.  Others have M-types that fix every single issue, even to their own detriment.

My M-type wants to know the issues so He can figure out what He needs to be working on.  Maybe if my head were in the right place, I wouldn’t have an issue.  Or maybe He did something that is out of line with His idea of His role as my owner.  Or maybe one of us just plain made a mistake.   If I don’t tell Him about it, He can’t even decide if it matters enough to deal with it.

Obviously, this is the same in “vanilla” relationships.  The couple can’t find and fix issues if they don’t openly communicate about them.  However, unlike a vanilla couple, I don’t have the right to expect a fair resolution.  For that matter, if M feels I’m out of line with how I feel, I don’t have the right to expect a resolution at all.  He has been known to tell me I’m nuts, and disregard my issue completely.

The question being asked was (and I’m paraphrasing at best), “Why do people keep asking what to do as if M/s is so much different than vanilla?”

The answer? Because for some of us, it is different.

I can’t just leave if I don’t get my way.  Throwing a temper tantrum will only get me into trouble.  I have to find a way to deal with it, or convince M it’s worth changing.

And maybe it’s that way for a lot of people in vanilla relationships, too.  Maybe they’re as committed to whatever promises they made as M and I are.  Maybe they don’t believe in bailing on a relationship over something minuscule and petty.  Maybe they’re dead-set on fixing any problems that arise, and believe there is no problem too great.

I don’t think we’re special, better, more anything.  We just handle things differently.  Maybe it’s more apparent to me because in vanilla relationships I demand that my rights be protected and my wants and needs be met, but in this M/s one, I’ve given up my rights, and have, for the most part, aligned my wants and needs with His.

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  1. July 9th, 2010 at 04:17 | #1


    I’ve met people in vanilla relationships that have the level of commitment you’re talking about; but they seem oh so rare. Unfortunately, I don’t know enough people in M/s relationships to get an idea of how rare or common that same level of commitment is. My suspision is that they are more committed; simply because one member, the slave, has adopted the mindset that they can’t leave. That used to be the case in marriage in general for both parties. Sadly, that’s not the case now.


  2. July 11th, 2010 at 14:17 | #2

    @dweaver999 Eh commitment seems to be a dying quality in all walks of life. We live in a throw-away society.

  3. KellyRed
    July 16th, 2010 at 16:17 | #3

    Delurking to toss off a random thought…I know this is days late, but don’t think of it as being late to the party, think of it as making an entrance.
    I enjoy reading you, Rayne.

  4. July 16th, 2010 at 16:22 | #4

    @KellyRed Lol. That’s a much better perspective. Thanks for the comment, and I’m glad you like reading me! 🙂

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