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Oh, You noticed that?

June 10th, 2010

He thinks of me much more than I realize. And He sees a lot more of my emotional turmoil than I give Him credit for.

Last night we were discussing O/p theology while showering. It had spun off of anΒ  entry I was trying to puzzle out for ID, about active ownership, whether it was a phase, a personality flaw or something I was doomed/destined to requite. In fleshing this out, we discussed teh various nuclear meltdowns I suffered over the past year, all tied in one way or another from my perceived abandonment of the O/p by Him. Out of the blue He hit me with this gem that made me stop and reasses Him on a whole new level:

“You freak out because you assume that each time I get lazy or have to withdraw from the O/p I’m never coming back to it.”

I never thought He was interested in discovering the whats and whysΒ  regarding my breakdowns. He’s normally a results-orientated kinda guy, less concerned with why I’m doing something and more concerned that I am doing it and in His parameters.Β  So when He saw right through me like that, in a manner that I hadn’t even addressed yet, (hell, I hadn’t even fully formed the idea that I was afraid of abandonment until maybe a month ago) totally brought me up short.

Now I find myself wondering what else He’s grokked on me without letting me know. How far ahead of me is He? And a little bit of me wonders if He doesn’t laugh at me when I running around chasing my tail, totally freaked out and clueless as to why, and He knows exactly what my problem is and enjoys watching me lose a year or two of my life panicking over the sky falling in. But an Owner would never do such a thing, would they? *snickers*

Oddly enough, I find this kinda comforting. It’s nice to know He isn’t as oblivious to my inner workings as I initially believed. There was just no reason for Him to let me on that He isn’t clueless. I believe it probably gives Him an edge in keeping me in place when I get uppity.

I haz a warm fuzzy, because He never stops leaving me surprised and at least one step behind.

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  1. June 11th, 2010 at 12:48 | #1

    I haz a warm fuzzy, because He never stops leaving me surprised and at least one step behind.

    I love that!!! And I love the way you worded it πŸ™‚ Master does the same for me, but there are also times where I stand there after a comment he’s made and realize he’s not one, not two, but at least FIVE steps ahead of me. And he sees right through me 99.9% of the time (that I know of!) lol.

  2. alwaysHistora
    June 11th, 2010 at 16:50 | #2

    Lol yes, ariia, He really does see through me more than I initially thought. It’s a little intimidating, and that makes me all mushy and abject thinking about it., Reinforces to me why He’s at the top. πŸ˜€ Thanks for reading, glad to know I am not the only one that loves to be continually outsmarted by the M side!

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