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Fear (no loathing) in Las Vegas

June 2nd, 2010

This Friday, The Man and I fly out to Arizona to stay for the weekend with His mom and step-dad. The day after we arrive, it’s off to Las Vegas for a night, then back to Arizona for another night before flying back home. I’m alternately thrilled and terrified.  He finds this dichotomy amusing.

I’m thrilled because it’s three and a half days away from our children. Our children, who, though I love them so, have driven me stark raving mad more than once recently. I’m thrilled because it will be new experiences for both of us, a chance to relate to each other on a solely O/p basis, parenting and the stressors of living one step from disaster a far distant concern for that short stretch of time. A chance to recharge our batteries and reaffirm why we love each other so much.

I’m terrified because there is so much unknown involved. I’m already getting a squicky feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking about going through security. About strolling down the Strip. About the noise and crowds and dim chaos in the casino His mother is bringing us to. While I am curious about it all, I still would rather bury my head in His shoulder and blink it all away. Unknown situations can bring me, an otherwise fairly confident, strong woman, to my knees begging for it to just stop. Good example: When I was a feshman in high school, I was transferred three-quarters way through the season to a different school due to natural disaster. No one from the new school showed me how to use the totally unfamiliar check-out system for lunch. Consequently, I never ate lunch there. For two months, I never stepped foot in the cafeteria. I was petrified of the idea that I would make a fool of myself trying to learn this new system. I didn’t want people behind me getting irritated with me for taking so long. 

I didn’t want to look stupid and be annoying.

With that in mind, you can understand why my mind comes to a screeching halt when I try to imagine going through security without Him. Trying to navigate the Strip without His comforting presence. Even just imagining finding my way around the different gates and sections of the airports leaves me a little shaky and mildly nauseous. Some would say that this was indicative of an anxiety issue, that I would need to see someone to help with this mental self-bondage. Do I think so? Not really. It doesn’t affect my day-to-day life. When I am overwhelmed or panicking, one step away from bolting or bawling, He’ll be right there, and I can look into His eyes and feel the panic release it’s grip. Is this co-dependent? Many people would say yes. I would disagree. How many people need their spouses with when confronting someone or getting possible bad news? Mutual support, I believe the popular term is. So why would be any different for me to need Him with me when navigating new experiences?

It also makes His life a lot easier when I get anxious about being out and about for an extended length of time, and well, He certainly doesn’t have to worry about me sneaking off to go gambling anytime soon!

In some ways, I wish I could go down the Strip with Him while collared and leashed, the other end firmly gripped in His hand, to have such a tangible sign of His presence and control over me. As it is I will probably have my hand firmly planted in His trailing along Him like a shadow, screening out most of the outside world and focusing on His commands, His moods, Him. I’ll lean against Him like an overgrown cat when feeling overwhelmed, and purr under His soothing caresses.

I love The Man, because if it weren’t for Him, I’d have voted to stay in Arizona, lounging by the pool and staying within my safe, if somewhat stifling boundaries. Yes, He’ll push me farther than I think I can go. Yes, I’ll most likely feel like I am one step from total melt-down at some point that night. Yet, when looking back at it, I’ll know that I grew a little, submitted more, and furthered myself as His slave.

Has anyone ever considered that in becoming more dependent on an Owner, the property is forced to grow?

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  1. June 30th, 2010 at 11:32 | #1

    I was so sad for the girl without lunch. (And NOT just because I love food! ~grin~)I would hope if I had been in your school I would have noticed and taken you in hand. Ditto for my charges at the place I work now. I’m definately going to be more on alert next term.

    I’m happy you have someone now that thakes you in hand and makes you feel secure.

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