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On Productivity, Insanity and Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

April 29th, 2010

Yesterday was actually rather productive.  I updated our toy box (though I think I may still be missing some things), got a post sent out to Carrie for Eden Cafe, pitched my idea for my very own personal store through Eden Fantasys, fiddled with our list of affiliates (though I’ll be fiddling with it more when I get a chance) cause some of the banners disappeared, ordered the toys M and I provided for my birthday giveaway, ordered some stuff for us…

I’ve got lotion on the way, and new organic bath soap, and new lube, and new toy cleaner from Eden Fantasys.  And a new glass dildo.  And there’s supposed to be some neat new BDSM toys on the way from SexToy.com soon.

I’m behind on email notifications, so I’ll probably spend some time doing that today between writing reviews to post tomorrow.  I alphabetized my swap list and our toy box this morning because I’m neurotic.

It feels good to be productive again, rather than sitting here staring at the computer, doing mostly nothing.  Which is what I’ve been doing for the past few months.  I mean, granted, we’ve got a lot on our plate right now, but staring off into space doesn’t help that.  Mostly it just adds fuel to the fire. 

I’ve been chewing on a lot of things lately, and while I know most of the answers, I’m not sure how I feel about them.  Not that there’s anything I can do about it at this point, but they’re interesting things to chew on, nonetheless.

So remember my post on cheating? How could you not, right? It was only a couple days ago.

A little while before that post went up, I got chatting with someone about cheating (defined here as “hiding an emotional/sexual relationship/interaction that surpasses mere friendship”), and whether or not a slave has any recourse if their owner does cheat.  And at some point, I turned to M and said, “So this is what we’re discussing.  And we came to a question of whether or not a slave has any recourse if they’re cheated on.  And I’m not sure I know the answer.”

And He just said, “No.  Not in this relationship, anyway.”

And ya know, it’s true.  I have absolutely no recourse if he wrongs me.  I never once considered the possibility during the countless negotiations and discussions we had, and never asked for a way to handle any of His bullshit, should He display bullshit behavior.

I won’t pretend I’m happy about it.  I’m actually a little annoyed.  Which is stupid.  Because He’d never cheat.

He has no reason to cheat.  There’s only one requirement on Him, that He agreed to (maybe even suggested), with regard to Him and other women.  He has to be honest and forthcoming.  And besides that, when I’m able to calmly approach dickish behavior, and I haven’t done something to cause said dickish behavior, and He wasn’t being a dick because He felt like being a dick, He generally tries to fix it.

But a couple days ago, a post I wrote went up on Submissive Guide about no limits slavery, in which I said:

But! If he says something like, “Strip and walk through the projects in New York City.” I’m fully allowed to say, “Uh… Master?… Don’t you think that might get me killed? Are you honestly interested in me dying tonight?” while I’m looking up prices for train tickets to New York City.

Course, if he says yes, I’ll know he’s lost his mind, and I’ll knock him over the head with the closest hard thing and drag him to the ER.

Though I’ve known a couple people who find dangerous situations like that to be incredibly arousing.  If it was somehow a controlled setting, it might be fun.  But just some random street with a bunch of strangers? He’d have to be crazy to consider it.

And apparently, I’m wrong.  I am fully allowed to point out that I think He’s nuts.  But if He disagrees, I’m not allowed to knock Him over the head with something hard and have Him committed.  Which is where the annoyance comes in.

I mean, not that I honestly want to knock him over the head and have Him committed.  Though wouldn’t that be a grand thing to see?

And I guess I’m not so much annoyed as confused.

A person hears something like, “You don’t have the right to go against my wishes, even if I’m crazy.” and immediately, thoughts start zipping around the imagination highway like a hummingbird in a field full of Butterfly Weed and Begonias.  Questions like, “But isn’t one of my responsibilities as your slave to take care of us both?” and, “If you’re off-your-rocker-nuts, and you’re making decisions that can get one or both of us severely hurt, killed, what have you, shouldn’t I be doing something about it?” and, “I’m supposed to throw myself on my sword because you’ve lost your damn mind? How is that fair?”

As Heylia James (Tonye Patano) says in Weeds, “Fare is what you pay to ride the bus.  See, that’s the only fare I know.”

And as Kaya’s so fond of saying, “Suck it up, buttercup.  You signed up for this.”

And I did.  But I’m still confused.  I mean, how can a person say in one sentence, “Dismemberment and death would be counterproductive.” and in the next, “You have no recourse if I want to dismember you.”? If dismemberment and death would be counterproductive, then why would you not want to give me some sort of recourse if you suddenly lose your mind and decide to dismember me?

And that’s really all that bothers me, I guess.  It’s not so much that I want M to change His mind about His M/s philosophy.  I mean, for the most part, I agree.  I am His property and it’s His right to do with me as He wishes.  It’s more or less that this particular stance seems… counterproductive.  Shouldn’t I be protecting His interests when He’s not capable? Isn’t that part of my job as His slave?

And when you’re as crazy as I can be, the possibility of someone else going nuts seems that much more real to you.

And it’s like, “Well, okay.  If you want to dismember me, even if you’re certifiable and have no idea what you’re saying/doing, you’re gonna dismember me, and my job is to stand there and let you.  But… didn’t you just say that would make me useless to you? And then what happens to me?”

And I know what you’re thinking.  “This is a conversation you should be having with him.”

And you’re right.  And now that I’ve worked it out in my head (and made you listen to me ramble), and figured out exactly what I think about it, I plan to.  Right after I finish cooking His grilled cheese sandwich.

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  1. April 29th, 2010 at 18:26 | #1


    Sometimes, the best comment we can make is to say nothing. Clearly this is a case of you thinking with your keyboard (I think out loud a lot, when I’m alone). Plus, I don’t have any answers. I’m not even sure what I think about the whole issue.

    “It is beter to stay silent and be believed to be ignorant than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.”


  2. April 30th, 2010 at 05:55 | #2

    “It is beter to stay silent and be believed to be ignorant than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.”

    And yet you were kind enough to say, “I get that you’re going through something, I just don’t know what to say.” Ffs. Ignorant my ass. 🙂

  3. April 30th, 2010 at 19:34 | #3


    What are friends for?


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