Home > rayne > I take issue with cheating.

I take issue with cheating.

April 22nd, 2010

I know I’m a little late to the party, and everyone’s pretty much over the whole cheating conversation, which makes it perfect for me to write about because then maybe I won’t get the “It happens all the time, so I don’t think it’s bad.” comments.  And to be honest, it’s not even on my mind because it blew up for half a second on Eden.  It’s on my mind because of a conversation I just had with Master.

I take issue with cheating because for the past thirteen years I’ve been dealing personally with the after-effects of having been cheated on.  Seven of the thirteen, as an outsider looking in.

You didn’t really think all my trust issues come from having been raped, did you?

There is no good reason to cheat.

Let me say that again.  There is no good reason to cheat.

I’ve heard all the usual excuses for cheating, and probably a few unusual ones, and I will never agree that there’s nothing wrong with cheating.  Except, perhaps, if your S.O. likes to be cheated on, but then it’s cuckolding, and not cheating, and it’s perfectly okay.  Until it’s not anymore.  And then you should stop.

You’re god damn right that’s me playing the moral police.  I absolutely condemn cheating, and if someone I know is cheating or facilitating cheating, it often affects how I feel about them as a person.  And I’m okay with that.  Because I know, first and second hand, what cheating causes. 

My ex cheated on me so much I lost count within the first year of our relationship, and we were together on and off for six years.  The last time I talked to him, he was still lying about it.

I guess one could argue that I did it to myself because I kept going back to him, but I was a firm believer, at that time, in the idea that children should have both their mother and father at home.  But my constant returning to a bad situation did not give him the right to keep cheating on me.  Especially when conversations about reconciliation were always begun with, “I can’t deal with you cheating on me.”

It wasn’t until after we’d broken up, had been separated for more than four years, and he felt the need for closure that it occurred to me that he didn’t even understand what constitutes cheating.

Folks, if you take someone on a date, and you’re in a monogamous relationship with someone else? You’re fucking cheating.  Even if you didn’t have sex.  And by that point, you might as well have sex, cause you’re fucked, either way.

Knowing that he didn’t get it, after the fact, sure as fuck doesn’t help how experiencing it made me feel.  It doesn’t change the affect it had on me.

And if you take the affect it had on me and multiply it by, probably ten, you’re about at how being cheated on affected Master.

I cheated on the aforementioned ex, and I usually justify it to myself with, “He started it.”  How mature is that? I’m not proud of it.  The only things I can be proud of are the facts that I was always upfront about it, and I never cheated on anyone else.  I knew what kind of pain it caused and I didn’t want to be the cause of that kind of pain.

And I guess that’s my only real point.  It’s not harmless, and there’s no reason for it.  I don’t know a person alive who wouldn’t rather their S.O. be honest with them if they want or need someone or something else.  I don’t know anyone who likes to be lied to, even with the best intentions.

Categories: rayne Tags:
  1. April 23rd, 2010 at 12:54 | #1

    Rayne,

    I have to agree, there is no good reason to cheat. That said, I think there are (rare) times when the cheater had no idea they were cheating. Example: (not a real life episode) Suppose I have a long time female friend (platonic) who gets married. Suppose we always enjoyed going to a certain type of movie together, simply because we both loved the genre. I never think of these get togethers as dates, and wouldn’t see a problem with continuing them. Is that cheating? In my mind, and possibly even hers, no, we’re not dating or getting emotionally entangled. In the husband’s mind, all bets are off. He may see these non-dates as dates, and considder them cheating. So, was I cheating? It would depend on Him. The smart guy, will at least make sure the husband knows of the movie trips, if not outright inviting him along.

    Also, cheating doesn’t even require meeting the person. Online relationships can be cheating as well (though they don’t have to be). Any relationship that seeks to replace the mate’s place counts as cheating, in my opinion.

    Dave

  2. April 23rd, 2010 at 13:46 | #2

    I don’t think that cheating is harmless. However, I also can’t judge anyone for it, because we are all human and all make mistakes. Should it be avoided? Absolutely. At the same time, I can’t condemn anyone for it, either.

  3. April 23rd, 2010 at 14:44 | #3

    @dweaver999 I don’t consider that cheating, so long as the husband knows what’s going on.

    And that about sums up the definition of “cheating” in our relationship. M can hang/go out with or screw whoever He wants, catch feelings, catch a baby… He just better make damn sure He’s upfront about it.

    In the relationship I discussed here, though, the date was concealed, emotions were involved, and to this day (Well, to the last time I talked to him, anyway.), he still maintains that, since he didn’t sleep with her, he didn’t cheat.

    Dick. You have no idea how happy I’ll be when he’s completely out of my life.

    @Britni TheVadgeWig I suppose I don’t condemn the person so much as the act. But like I said, it does affect the way I feel about the person. I guess that’s more or less because, in my mind, cheating, lying, hiding pertinent information are insight into the person’s integrity.

    I hold that true for myself, though, too, and felt like a heel when I cheated. Which is why I don’t do it anymore. Well, that and M is the bestest owner in the history of owners. And the love of my life to boot.

    I have friends who have cheated, who are cheating, who are “the other”. I’m not gonna stop being friends with them because of it, but I also will not condone it. And I won’t lie about the fact that I feel a bit of… I suppose disappointment when a friend tells me about their indiscretions.

    As for us all making mistakes, when do we stop calling it a mistake and recognize it for what it is? The second time it happens? The second month that it’s still going on? The second year?

  4. April 27th, 2010 at 15:48 | #4

    Late to comment on this post, but I just want to say I completely agree with this statement:

    “As for us all making mistakes, when do we stop calling it a mistake and recognize it for what it is? The second time it happens? The second month that it’s still going on? The second year?”

    I’ll probably elaborate more on that statement in a blog, but that pretty much sums up a lot of things I already feel about cheating.

Comments are closed.
%d bloggers like this: