Home > Rayne > I’m kind of an asshole. But you knew that.

I’m kind of an asshole. But you knew that.

April 21st, 2010

If you’ve known me a while, you know that I occasionally often take unscheduled breaks from writing.  I’m sure it seems like it’s just me taking a break but, more often than not, it’s me being completely and utterly sick of writing.

That’s not a good place to be.  The one constant in my life has been making up stories.  It started as a way to fall asleep, and, once I knew how to put them to paper, became a passion.

I haven’t written/finished a piece of fiction in… years? And lately, the truth seems like too much work.

I mean, not that my current truth is any more troublesome than it usually is.  It’s pretty much par for the course.

Too many bills and not enough cash.  M works too much and plays too little.  Child support enforcement lost $3000 of his money, are calling the missing dough “arrears”, and are trying to force him to repay it, even though they still owe him money from the last time they did this… two months ago.  My mom waited till my birthday to tell me my grandfather’s got cancer.  My father has a girlfriend.  I threw my back out and have a terrible crick in my neck… 

CPS wants us to move M’s son in, which is no small feat considering the kid is what they’re calling “troubled” (read: completely out of control), and, thanks to his mother, doesn’t have much to bring with him by way of clothing or other necessary items for survival.  So we’d have to somehow amass at least $1200 for a new apartment (A two bedroom, here, is never less than $600/mo, but is usually more like $800-1000 if we want to move into a better neighborhood.  Which is probably the more intelligent thing to do considering here all he’ll do is get into more trouble.), a few hundred for bedroom furniture, a couple hundred for clothes and school supplies… And let’s not even talk about the increase in health coverage, the food bill, the light/heating bill, our miscellaneous expenses.  And while they keep telling M they understand that we’re not in a position, financially or otherwise, to take in a troubled 16 year old boy, they’re still showing up unannounced on our doorstep to do home visits, and building arguments with the hope that the judge will order M to somehow get us in a place to take him.

Which, to be honest, I wouldn’t have such an issue with if it weren’t for how long they’ve been telling us M’s ex-wife is a fit mother.  Now that they’ve decided we were right, and she’s not a fit mother, they want M to pick up the pieces.  After years of his ex refusing him contact with the boys, and judges giving the ex a stern look and a short-tempered “Let him see the kids.” but never actually enforcing it, they want M to step in and “fix” his son.

And maybe they’re right, and M’s ex was the problem.  Maybe the kid is doing much better where he is, and will do much better in an environment that doesn’t include his asshole older brother and dumb cunt mother.  But in the meantime, he has problems with authority.  He’s irrational.  He’s violent.  And I, personally, don’t want to go to jail because I threw him down the stairs after he punched me in the face.  Which he’s been known to do.  To a number of people in authority, including his mother, who probably deserved it.  Add to that the fact that we took his sister in, once, for basically the same reason (problems with the mother), and ended up more than a little sorry.  I’m not sure I’m willing to chance going through that again.

Okay, so maybe my current truth is a little more complicated than it usually is.

I think I may have done myself a disservice by taking on so many reviews and trying so hard to “make something” of ID.  I think it’s put more pressure on me than I realized.  I know that it’s made this place feel less like my home and more like my office.

And besides… I already had a ton of people interested in what I had to say before I felt the need to find people interested in what I had to say.

I apologize for that.  I… am an asshole.  At least I never hid from you the fact that I am an asshole, eh?

For a split second, I had the confidence to at least attempt to do something more with my writing.  And I thought reviewing stuff would be the perfect way to force me to write.  But uh… it hasn’t.  And the glimmer of confidence sputtered out.  And I can’t remember why I’m passionate about writing.  And I’m pretty much out of ideas.

I think that means I’ll be subjecting you to more of my random babble about nothing.  But you seemed to enjoy my neurotic-ness before I started trying to be normal.  So I think that’ll be okay.

It kind of makes me sick I’m so pathetic that having deadlines and requirements puts too much pressure on me.  But I’ve always been a sort of free spirit, or so I tell myself.

What’s cool about being owned by M is I get the structure I need to remain tethered, but am mostly allowed to wander where ever I choose to go within the reach of my leash.  As long as I stay on top of what He wants/needs from me, what I do beyond that, so long as I follow His rules and keep in the general direction He wants me to go, doesn’t much matter to Him.  Which makes going with my flow (that’s often nothing like anyone else’s flow) much easier to do.  Which keeps me from feeling stifled or smothered.  I’m sort of claustrophobic, so that’s kind of a good thing.

~rayne, who’s still a pigwhore but signing this post “pigwhore” seemed inappropriate

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  1. selena juarez
    April 21st, 2010 at 14:14 | #1

    Sorry to hear about everything going on with you! Seems it is rough right now! I love following your posts…..so don’t ever change that! I see you are talking about M’s kids now…how many does he have? Also…in the kid department….what happened with the adoption you talked about a few months back? I am in the process of letting my husband adopt my kids because their father is not in the picture. I hope everything works out for the best for you!

  2. April 21st, 2010 at 15:25 | #2


    Good God, lady, if I tried to put all that into one of my stories, I’d be barraged with complaints about how unrealistic it was. I’m tempted to ask which leprechaun you pissed off recently.

    Seriously, I’m sorry things have gone so badly lately. If there’s anything I can do, let me know. And, I’d love to read some mof your fiction.


  3. April 21st, 2010 at 15:55 | #3

    @selena juarez Aww, thanks! I love ID and I don’t know that I’ll ever put it down unless someone takes away my computer and/or internet access. Or we lose our free hosting and can’t afford to host it. But I think even then we’d figure out a way to keep it up. We’re resourceful like that.

    @dweaver999 It’s not me! It’s M! If that man didn’t have bad luck, He’d have no luck at all. That’s no joke. Shit just… happens to Him. I can’t wait till all His kids are 18. BLAH! 🙂

  4. April 21st, 2010 at 15:59 | #4

    @selena juarez Oh, and, that’s stalled because I haven’t had time to get to a notary. Or because I’m annoyed that they’re trying to go back on the stipulations we agreed to. Either way, it’s stalled, and it’s waiting on me. I’ll get around to it eventually, I suppose.

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