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Never say never

March 22nd, 2010 Comments off

I say never a lot.  I probably shouldn’t.  It seems recently that every never I say falls by the wayside in short order.  Honestly, I should know better.  My life is full of things I said I’d never do or have at some point in time; roommates, credit cards, less than two cats.  As much as saying never is a bad idea in my vanilla world, it makes so much less sense in the world of D/s.

I’ve been interested in BDSM since before I was an adult.  From my earliest memories of reading True Crime magazines in the newsstand while delivering papers at the age of 13, I’ve been at least reading about BDSM and D/s as both fiction and fact.  In all that reading, there’s been one theme that occurs again and again; the “I didn’t think I’d like it but I do,” theme.  Whether it’s the dubious girlfriend who discovers after trying it at her boy friend’s insistence that she really does like this bondage stuff or the (admittedly) over used erotic fiction plot of the captive whom comes to want to slavery she’s been thrust into (can you say Gor?).  No matter where you turn, it seems to be acknowledged that one can’t know whether one will like a kink until one tries it out.

“I would never actually do any of that stuff.”  That was my first never.  Coming, as I did, from a home where dad did, in fact, abuse mom, I suppose that was to be expected.  It also lasted the longest, three decades or more.  That ended in 2007 when I experienced sex with a submissive lover and discovered that I not only enjoyed reading about BDSM, I enjoyed doing it; specifically, torturing her nipples and spanking her with my belt.  I backed away from dominating her outside of bed, however.  Read more…

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My Parking Lot -or- The Party Zone

March 20th, 2010 Comments off

My downstairs neighbor moved out today.  For those of you not in the know, she’s probably one of the biggest bitches I’ve ever met.

That’s not just me not liking someone.  My surrounding neighbors are currently celebrating her move in our parking lot with loud music, a cookout and Dominoes.  The game, not the pizza place.  If that doesn’t speak to how much of a bitch she is, I don’t know what does.

It’s kinda cool, cause they listen to music M usually isn’t interested in.  Not specifically rap, but a bit of pop, some oldies, reggae, a lot of Motown.  Stevie Wonder, Marvin Gaye, Diana Ross and the Supremes, The Four Tops and The Jackson 5 are today’s soundtrack.

I… wanna be out there.  Dancing, playing Dominoes and raising hell.  My body hasn’t stopped moving since they turned the radio on.  Unfortunately, we already did our partying this week, and we’re both feeling pretty crappy.  So here I sit.  But that’s okay.  Spring is just starting and we’ve got all of summer.  Without the bitch living downstairs, our parking lot will probably become “The Party Zone”.  Read more…

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Change is in the Air

March 16th, 2010 2 comments

White_Flowers_by_Melens_rayneIt’s spring, folks. The calendar may not agree yet, but the snow is melting rapidly and the rivers are flooding just as fast. It’s muddy and gloomy and wet, the wind dances from side to side, there is the undefinable scent of shifting seasons in the breeze.

i’ve always been a person tied to the seasons. Summer finds me optimistic, energetic, raring to go. Fall charges me to stock and hoard, canning and drying food, digging out blankets and cleaning the house in preparation of cold weather. Winter creates a sluggish me, reluctant to leave the warmth and safety of my cozy hidey-hole, introspective and dark.

Spring, however, has it’s own clutch of fun. i’m excitable and fractious, prone to hi-jinx and sassy misbehavior. A slap on my ass might find me quickly returning in like kind. A command from Up High is often met with teasing compliance. And, just sometimes, i get mired down in mental mud and really don’t know when to shut up. (i know, me, being disobedient? perish the thought!)

i could sense the spring tora rising this weekend. He’s been in an ass grabbing mood lately, sometimes lil pinches, sometimes caresses, sometimes big ol swats that make me yelp and jump. i never know which of those it will be until He’s already done it, so i’m a little twitchy right now when He walks behind me.  Saturday He had been a monster, molesting me whenever the chance presented itself, and i was becoming quite annoyed with the whole deal, especially when trying to get supper on the table while avoiding 6 busy children. So, He cracks me on the ass as i’m pulling dishes out of the dishwasher, and without even realizing it, i shot up and thrust my arm out to hit Him back.

i just about died as i came to my senses.

It must have been funny to see, i shoot straight up with every unthinking intention to hit Him back, and right before the point of impact i come to and flap my hands stupidly, trying to shake the stupid uprising out or something, flashing my smile of appeasement and avoiding eye-contact. He watched the whole thing, laughed and sauntered off.

i don’t know what was worse, the fact that i still have a section of my brain that will try and clobber Him, or that He finds that amusing. Not threatening, not interesting, amusing. Is there anything more infuriating than staging an coup and being brushed off like a pesky fly?

i’ve been trying to lure the slumbering sadist out of Him again. It’s like there’s this tiger sleeping in its den, quietly dozing, and i’m prancing about in front of the entrance wearing a ground beef bikini. While washing my hair with bacon grease. Can i scream “i’m stupid and want You to hurt me a lot!!!” any louder?

Teh dumb. i haz it.

i’ve promised Him that at some point this summer, i will wait until we are outside and He is busy with something. i will come up and haul off and crack Him as hard as possible. Then start running. Again with the infuriating, because He just smiles. There’s a gleam in His eye that tells me He will relish that moment. A bit of a smirk around the edges of His sensual lips that suggests He doubts i have the balls to do so. A whole history’s worth of experiences that promise me any action on my part will be ruthlessly crushed on His.

Change is good, wakes us up and reminds Him why He took me. A certain ground-line of stability is also nice. 😀

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Air Feeds Fire… and Does He Ever

March 13th, 2010 7 comments

The other day, I’m not really sure what prompted it, but M said something about He thinks He’s a fire sign.  And I nearly laughed out loud.  Maybe I did laugh out loud.

I know how horribly disrespectful that sounds, but think about fire.  Fire is impetuous and enthusiastic.  It consumes most anything it touches, ever pushing forward, until someone or something puts it out.  Whereas air will go around an obstacle, fire burns right through it.

And fire depends on air to survive.  Fire has nothing, whatever, to do with air’s survival.  It just adds a pleasant smell to air on occasion.

What with my thirtieth birthday just twenty-four days away, I’ve been thinking about the past thirty years a lot.  What I’ve done with them and what I haven’t.  Who I was and who I’ve become.  And no matter what I’ve experienced, one thing’s never changed.  I am, without a doubt, the epitome of a cardinal fire sign.  An Aries, through and through.

About.com says a cardinal fire sign is always on the ready for something to be passionate about.  Intuitive and insightful.  Living large and following their instincts.  “Going on faith in their inner guidance gets them far, but they have a tendency to skip crucial steps, or to be unaware of the emotional impact of their actions.”

And as I read that, I had a Winona Ryder in Girl, Interrupted moment.  You know, when she’s reading her file.  “Oh, that’s me.”

(That’s everybody, sweet pea.Read more…

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Product Review: Warming Massage Glide by System JO

March 12th, 2010 2 comments

Ooo, what’s that?

Every time a new massage oil shows up on our doorstep, M asks me a variation of the question, “Don’t we have enough?”

My answer? Not in the least.  I’m on the hunt for “the perfect massage oil” and let me tell you… System JO’s definitely on the right track.  This is Warming Massage Glide, a personal lubricant and massage oil, by System JO.

What’d it come in?

It comes in a clear plastic recyclable bottle with a black push-top lid.  It’s four and one-half fluid ounces.  The label is red and silver and lists a lot of hefty claims.

What’s in it?

Ingredients: polydimethylsiloxane, decamethylcyclopentasiloxane, octamethylcyclotetrasiloxane, dimethylsiloxane, hydroxy-terminated, capsium (cayenne), peppermint essential oil

Polydimethylsiloxane is sometimes called “dimethicone” and is often used in shampoo, contact lenses, elastomers, medical devices, caulking, lubricating oils and heat resistant tiles.  It’s clear, shiny and slick.  And it’s an organic polymer.  Read more…

“Will you just shut the fuck up and listen to me? … *Please!*”

March 11th, 2010 5 comments

taken by SliceofNYC, edited by Rayne

As if the please would somehow soften the blow of my disrespect and get me out of trouble.  Ha!

Why… Yes! Yes, I am the queen of putting my foot in my mouth.  I mean, I am, after all, a woman, so I’ve gotta be queen of something, right? And since it’ll never be queen of this household, or queen of the world, it might as well be “Her Highness Metatarsals dans Bouche”.

~sighs~

What’s funny is, until I said that, Master was content to argue with me.  Well, I guess content isn’t the correct word.  He had already warned me a time or two that I wasn’t just toeing the line.  I’d leaped a mile out of bounds, and was still running, and He was right behind me gnashing at my heels.

I sort of ignored the finality in His voice when He said, and I’m paraphrasing at best, “I’ve had it.  I am not putting up with your disrespectful bullshit anymore.  Button it up, or you’re gonna be sorry.”

I made a half-assed attempt at reining it in, but when He said something I didn’t agree with, I started spitting my words at Him and clenching my fists.  I did better than I usually do, in that I actually listened to what He had to say, but I didn’t do better than the last time.  The last time, the second He hinted at me being out of line, I shut up.  This time, I stopped talking for a second, but then was right back at Him, lunging at the end of my chain, snarling and growling at Him.  Figuratively, of course.

So when I tried to explain something to Him, and He cut me off again (The reason this bothers me – not that it matters – is because it completely shatters my train of thought.  Every time.  I lose everything I was about to say and can’t even make my point to see if He thinks it’s valid.  And that’s when things stop making sense.  You know… I’m not sure I realized that fully until last night.  Who says no good comes of arguing?), I screamed at Him, “Will you just shut the fuck up and listen to me?” and when I saw the look on His face and realized what had just come out of my mouth, I tripped all over myself to say, “PLEASE??!?” all frantic like.

Time stood still for a moment.  And I honestly thought I was seconds from being knocked through the couch, and then the wall behind it.  But He just said, plainly and firmly, “No.”

And because I can’t just quit while I’m ahead, I replied with a defeated, “Fine.” as if I had any right to be upset with His answer.  As if He wasn’t well within His right, even if I weren’t a slave.  Even if we were equals, He’d be perfectly justified in refusing to listen to me when I’m acting the way I was acting last night.

We’d just returned home, so I was still fully clothed, and He ordered me naked and cuffed.  He gagged me and made me kneel in the middle of the living room while He asked me questions about the argument, the things He expects of me, and the things we agree qualify me as a slave to be sure we were on the same page (I hear ya.  “Who cares if you’re on the same page? His word is law.”  But Master likes to make sure I know what His word is.  And asking me these questions gives Him better insight into where my mindset is and what He needs to be working on.).  He told me for every time I got out of position, I would get twenty lashes with the cane, and He didn’t really care if I built up five-hundred.  And He began asking me yes or no questions, getting a feel for where we stood.  Read more…

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