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Panic Attacks, Nightmares, and Long Forgotten Memories

March 30th, 2010

I’m not doing so hot.

Somehow I’m managing to remain (mostly) well-behaved, but I’m not doing so hot.

The nightmares are back.  I had an awesome two-day panic attack with no real indication of the cause.  Except maybe my period.  I suppose that would make some sort of sense.

There we go.  That’s it.  My period is kicking my ass.

I mean, it probably is, right? 

The week-long drinking binge probably didn’t help either.  The panic attack could be detox, I suppose, since we ran out of alcohol, and I’ve had to sober up cold turkey.

Not really sure why I was drinking so much.  I mean, I like to drink, but I don’t usually drink that much.

It’s possible I felt the edges of the panic attack coming and tried to self-medicate.  I do that sometimes.  It’s easier than freaking out and having to say, “I don’t know.” when M asks me what’s going on.  And hearing that I’m having nightmares freaks Him out a little because I was having terrible ones that day I left and cited them as part of the reason I went.

I don’t remember most of them.  Only the basic gist.  I’m always running away from something.  It’s never quite clear what.  But I’m petrified.  I’m carrying all I own somehow (which is never much).  And I’m running for my life, always feeling it nipping at my heels.

I spend every waking moment, lately, convinced something bad is just around the corner.  I don’t know if it’s my dream terror bleeding into my daily life, or my waking paranoia flaring up into more of a monster than it’s been in years, or if there’s something I just expect to happen.  But I’m scared of whatever that “something bad” is.  Terrified.

And memories I don’t think I’ve ever dealt with, are coming back.  Things I’ve either forgotten, or intentionally blocked out.

Maybe I’m not as well adjusted as I thought I was.

They’re upsetting, and for a moment, if I let the emotions in that I felt as they happened, they upset me.  I suppose that’s normal for bad memories.

I’m taking an internet break starting this weekend.  I might barrage you with reviews to catch up before I go.  I don’t know how long I’ll be gone.  Maybe just as long as Master has off.  He took vacation time to be with me on my birthday.  He needed the time, anyway.  I can’t wait till I have Him all to myself.

Well… and I might have to share with Cin and Kris.  Lol.

Don’t worry.  I’ll announce the winners of the contest before I go.

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  1. March 30th, 2010 at 08:12 | #1

    It is possible that you could feel the panic attack coming on. If you’ve dealt with them before – then you might be able to identify the signs of a coming panic attack.

    I’ve had 2, one at the end of last month, one at the end of last year. At times I feel like I am going to have another one, and I can feel it. I try to calm down and relax because I have the ability to give myself another one.

    Both of my attacks happened in the middle of the night, one I woke up from a nightmare about being in the hospital. The second one, I woke up but if it was from a dream I don’t remember and went into another panic attack. After this one, I ended up going to the hospital because I was so scared about it.

    If all of it’s coming back at once – you might just be having a hard time dealing with it. I’m going to counseling right now to help with the anxiety issues that I’ve developed. For me, I was overwhelmed over the course of the past year to pretty much this year. I was put into stressful situation after stressful situation without relief whatsoever.

    I definitely say that taking the weekend off might help you, it’s a good idea! So far the few times I have felt like I am going back to normal is when I am spending time alone with my partner.

  2. March 30th, 2010 at 12:32 | #2

    Rayne,

    I don’t get panic attacks myself, but I do get this incredible urge to vanish from the face of the earth (usually becasue I’ve taken on too many responsibilities). I’ll dive into a computer game for hours a day (we all have our drug of choice), and get nothing done. They do pass, though. I think the time with Melen will help, if for no other reson than he’ll take even greater control from you, giving you eve more of what you need. Take deep breaths and remember that this, too, shall pass.

    Dave

  3. March 30th, 2010 at 15:34 | #3

    I know you’ve expressed reluctance to try therapy, due to the experiences that you’ve had, but it’s really very different when you willingly go and want to do the work to get better. I’d reconsider maybe giving it a shot. <3

  4. Kim
    March 30th, 2010 at 21:41 | #4

    I have had panic attacks for 10 years! Medication and therapy really helped me! I tried to self medicate for 3 years! I was so miserable! I didn’t actually feel better until I started on the meds!

    I know it’s hard! It may even make you feel crazy! I have been there!! I know it’s hard! feel free to email if you ever need to talk! this will get better with help! I found it hard to get through to my doctors! I found the only one who really helped was my therapist! Someone who knows what you need to do ..to get past this!! xo

  5. March 30th, 2010 at 23:51 | #5

    Take a break.
    Stop drinking.
    Chill with your man.
    I love you bunchies.
    .-= Carrie Ann´s last blog ..Yadda yadda yadda and a new home for Bug =-.

  6. April 1st, 2010 at 06:59 | #6

    I’m with Britni on this one. Behavioral therapy could really help stop and help you deal with the nightmares. But aside from that, stop drinking so much silly. I’m sure it feels like it’s helping then, but adding alcohol to a panic attack isn’t really very good. Just find M and let yourself freak out near him, so you know you have support.

    Enjoy your break too. I’m sure it’ll be amazing. 🙂
    .-= Kayla´s last blog ..HNT =-.

  7. wendiana
    April 14th, 2010 at 17:39 | #7

    ye gods, do i know these feelings well. All i can do is send you a cyber-hug & tell you that you aren’t alone. Thank you for sharing, I’m sure it’s not easy.

    I’ve been drinking to numb my brain, to numb the pressure of life…and it’s creeping back into my life as a staple, not as a treat. I’ve gotta back off & absorb what’s going on around me instead of trying to numb it away.

    Take care sweetie, you are awesome!

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