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Being a disappointment makes me feel like shit.

March 25th, 2010 9 comments

I was leaning over the dining room chair, the palm of my right hand resting on my mouse as I tried to put on a new episode of Boston Legal.  He was sitting on the couch, leaning toward me, crop in hand, assaulting my ass and thighs.

I knew that if I could just get the episode started and sit down, He’d stop.  Mostly.  But every time I’d work the cursor over to the play button, He’d speed up, or hit me harder, and I’d miss again and have to start all over.

Without even thinking, I leaped out of reach and put the chair between us.  And then that horrible “D” word fell from His lips.

“That’s disappointing.  You’re just going to take yourself away from me? That’s… disappointing.”

I have a bunch of friends who scoff at their owner’s disappointment.  They feel like it’s no big deal.  Bully for them.  Being a disappointment makes me feel like shit.

I’m a slave.  Owned property.  And I am what I am because I asked to be, not because anyone forced me to be.  With that comes expectations I am supposed to try my damnedest to live up to.  If Master is disappointed in me, I fell short of meeting those expectations.  If it were unintentional… If I was doing my best, and just wasn’t capable of doing what He asked of me, that would be a different story.  But when it’s simply disobedience? Read more…

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