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Never say never

March 22nd, 2010

I say never a lot.  I probably shouldn’t.  It seems recently that every never I say falls by the wayside in short order.  Honestly, I should know better.  My life is full of things I said I’d never do or have at some point in time; roommates, credit cards, less than two cats.  As much as saying never is a bad idea in my vanilla world, it makes so much less sense in the world of D/s.

I’ve been interested in BDSM since before I was an adult.  From my earliest memories of reading True Crime magazines in the newsstand while delivering papers at the age of 13, I’ve been at least reading about BDSM and D/s as both fiction and fact.  In all that reading, there’s been one theme that occurs again and again; the “I didn’t think I’d like it but I do,” theme.  Whether it’s the dubious girlfriend who discovers after trying it at her boy friend’s insistence that she really does like this bondage stuff or the (admittedly) over used erotic fiction plot of the captive whom comes to want to slavery she’s been thrust into (can you say Gor?).  No matter where you turn, it seems to be acknowledged that one can’t know whether one will like a kink until one tries it out.

“I would never actually do any of that stuff.”  That was my first never.  Coming, as I did, from a home where dad did, in fact, abuse mom, I suppose that was to be expected.  It also lasted the longest, three decades or more.  That ended in 2007 when I experienced sex with a submissive lover and discovered that I not only enjoyed reading about BDSM, I enjoyed doing it; specifically, torturing her nipples and spanking her with my belt.  I backed away from dominating her outside of bed, however. 

“I’ll never be into receiving pain play.”  Actually, my exact words (yes, I actually spoke this one aloud) were, in response to a dominant telling me my writing would be even better if I experienced some of what I wrote about personally, “There’s no way in hell anyone’s whipping me!”  That ended last August when I visited some internet friends in the lifestyle (including Kaya and her Master at Spankfest).  I’d been given the chance to practice with floggers and canes and was concerned about using the cane too hard, and asked to feel what it felt like.  Lo and behold, it felt good!  I’ve since sought out (and enjoyed!) pain play on several more occasions.

“You’re never sticking needles in me!”  Last month at Lucid Encounters; nuff said?  You can see the pic on my fetlife site (I’m dweaver999, yeah, I know, not real original).

So just what’s happening here?  Why am I doing things I swore (sometimes literally) I’d never do?  I know people who say never and truly never do.  Of course, I can’t speak for everyone, but I think for many of us, including myself, kink, BDSM, D/s is something we see as a broadening of ourselves.  I know of many who tell of how miserable they were before they found their kinky side, or gave themselves over to a willing slavery.  But key in their descriptions is the fact that there was a before for them.  Not only was there a before, there was a choice to try out submission or domination.  We are, by nature, people who push envelopes and explore boundaries.  How many times have we heard subs talk of pushing their limits during a scene?

That means so much when it comes to never.  By our very nature, we’re a group of people who enjoy trying out new things.  I’m not saying we enjoy every new thing we try.  I witnessed piss play in person at Spank and there was no draw at all (and in fact, a fair bit of revulsion).  It’s almost like our first kink is experimentation.  We seem to like trying on new things.  And, until we experience something, at least by observing it, we simply can’t know how we’d react to it.  So, saying never to something we’ve not experienced isn’t a very bright move on our part.  After all, words aren’t very nutritious.

And before you ask, yes, there are some unresolved nevers for me.  Cutting.  CBT.  Gay sex.  Submission.  Already, seeing the results of cutting has sparked curiosity in me for it.  I’d at least like to see a cutting done on someone.  The others, who knows.  I’m certainly not repeating any never statements right now.  You see, I’ve lived more in the last three years than I lived in the previous 47 years combined.  I like my life and myself a whole hell of a lot.  That living and liking has come from a new willingness on my part to explore things I’ve never done before.  Never say never, life’s too short to spend it in Never land.

Dave

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