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A slave’s dreams

March 10th, 2010 2 comments

Even though slavery is something i sought out, something to i function best in, there are times that i feel less than enthused when i get a good look at how pervasive His grip on my mind has become. There have been times that i am screaming something inside my head while my body is carrying out the action, regardless of my own desires.

One of the most disturbing areas that He’s seeped into are my dreams. One of the worst dreams ever,  surpassing the nightmares of my childhood, was directly related to my place as His slave.

In that dream:

We were O/p, nothing different than how things are now. Only something changed, and He decided that He wanted a newer, younger, sleeker new piece of property to own. He was going to release me. i had outlived my usefulness to Him.  In this dream, He was cold and aloof, very matter-of-fact and absolutely relentless. He tells me of the new future as she is bringing her belongings into the bedroom i shared with Him. He is not swayed by my tears of pain and anguish.

Now this is where i started to feel terrified of where i was going. Instead of telling Him where He could send the first child support checking and decking the bitch on the way out, i fell to my knees and begged Him to keep me, even as the governess or housemaid. i begged for Him to let me slep at His feet. i begged Him to not take the kids from me.

i fucking begged Him to not make me leave my children. This is where my mind screams WTF!!!

In the dream, He agrees to keep me on, but only in the form of governess, and that i may never reveal to the kids that i am their mother.  i was sobbing and my heart ached, but i agreed. i couldn’t bear the thought of being ripped not only from our kids, but also from His side.

When i woke up, the first thing i did was choke back a sob to not wake Him up and curl up tightly against His back, breathing in His sleep-scent and calming myself by matching His breathing pattern.  i calmed back down, but i didn’t fall asleep again.

This dream haunts me for a few reasons. One, it was terrifying. Two, i didn’t respond as i would like to. i didn’t walk, i didn’t call Him a few names and maybe get a punch in. i got down on my knees and pleaded for the chance to stay and serve. Three, the sheer lack of control over what He may bring in the future was pressed into my face until my nose bled.

They say dreams are a path to your subconcious, the unfiltered you. Gawd, i hope not. If that’s so, He’s got His grimy fingers stirring my inner core up and there isn’t much of me left unchanged. Some would say that’s an occasion to throw a party, “Oh look, He’s mastering your mind! You are internalizing His will! Hooray!”

Um, No. Yes, i am happy to become what He wants me to become, but it is also damn right scary. Once you go far enough down this rabbit hole, i don’t think there is ever a way back topside. He’s done enough imprinting on my psyche that there isn’t a pre-Owned tora left. Just varying degrees of owned tora now. What will i be in a few years? What i will be in a few decades?!

That is a sobering thought indeed.

Categories: Sojourners Tags:

New Shampoo, Getting Healthy and Plugged at the Office

March 10th, 2010 4 comments

Did I tell you I switched shampoos? I can’t remember.

We’ve been using Suave forever.  Normal Suave, Suave Professionals and Suave Daily Clarifying.  It’s cheap.  It smells nice.  It cleans.

But it leaves my hair looking like shit.

While I must admit that Suave Daily Clarifying works better than normal Suave, and Suave Professionals (all the versions but one… I forget which one) works even better than that, my coarse, half-way-between-straight-and-wavy hair just refuses to be tamed by any and all Suave products.

So after bugging Carrie a billion times about what she used before she got all uppity and started using salon brands, I began the process of talking M into believing I needed better shampoo.  And it worked! He let me buy Pantene’s stuff for long hair.  Beautiful Lengths, maybe? Anyway…

So I’ve been using this new shampoo for twenty days.  I wash my hair every other day, so that means, what? Ten washes? I condition every time.  Did with Suave, too.  And here’s the differences I’ve noticed:

  • My hair isn’t anywhere near as frizzy.
  • It looks much healthier.
  • It’s stronger.
  • It falls out less.
  • My hair is actually half-way between wavy and straight, not half-way between wavy and curly.
  • It stays clean longer.
  • I don’t have to use anywhere near as much product (shampoo, conditioner, or styling products) as I did when I was using Suave.
  • My hair’s no where near as dry as it used to be.

I can actually wear my hair down now without worrying about how poofy and frizzy and gross it looks.  Which is probably at least part of the reason it’s breaking less.  But! That’s still a plus for Pantene, because I’m leaving it down more because it looks better, and it looks better because I’m using Pantene.

Why am I telling you this? Just in case some of my submissive readers are having a hard time convincing their owners that you get what you pay for when it comes to shampoo.  There’s no doubt in my mind that Carrie’s hair is still better than mine cause the silly snot is paying for salon brands.  But I’m on the fast track to good hair, and it’s all thanks to her, so I suppose she’s allowed to be a silly snot.  😛  Read more…

Categories: Rayne Tags: