Home > rayne > Fear, The Hood’s Here, and Song of the Day

Fear, The Hood’s Here, and Song of the Day

March 7th, 2010

There’s this girl I read occasionally.  I’m not sure if she’s a masochist.  There is no doubt her man’s a sadist.  And I can only read her occasionally.

Her relationship makes me cry.

Not because I think she’s being abused, or because I worry about her, or anything like that.  She’s happy in her relationship, and while she damn well may be being abused according to the standards of people who don’t understand owner/property relationships, she consented to what she’s living through.

Her relationship makes me cry because… oh, what Master wouldn’t do to have a girl like her.  To be able to treat me the way she’s treated and still maintain the husband/wife side of our relationship with hardly a hitch.  And definitely not a hitch that came of Him treating me that way.

While I say, all the time, that I want that, and could withstand it, there’s this tiny niggling of self-doubt.  This part of me that thinks somewhere amongst the neglect, and harshness, and denial, and deprivation, I will lose sight of the love, and devotion, and fulfillment, and desire.

Part of me is petrified.  The tears that I war with every time I visit her page are tears of absolute terror, not tears of sadness, or worry, or anger.  Once in a while, Master gives me the tiniest taste of what she lives every day, and five seconds in, I’m sure my head’s gonna fall off.  Five minutes in, I’m pretty sure I’ve ceased to exist.  I’m not really sure where the pain’s coming from, and unless and until He speaks, I could almost swear I’m alone. 

I might as well be.  My cries fall on deaf ears.

No.  That’s not true.  He relishes each and every one of them.  I think His biggest annoyance with being renters of flats is that He can’t make me scream without drawing the wrong kind of attention to us.

I’m utterly and completely terrified of when the day comes that He has the privacy (or the right audience, for that matter) to make me scream like I’ve never screamed before.

(Which is one of the reasons I’m kinda glad He’s dragging His feet when it comes to going places like, say, SpankHush, Kaya.)

——–

This morning, Master threatened to fuck me with the hood on.  The hood that’s here.  That fits me perfect and was only on a split second before I ripped it off my head, trying to make sure He didn’t see and make me leave it.

He threatened to fuck me with the hood on because He’d pushed my head under the covers and stuffed His cock down my throat.  And I sucked Him off and tried not to freak out.  But it wasn’t long before I was clawing at the sheets, trying to free my face.  He told me to leave it or He’d fuck me with the hood on.

Then He said He’d probably fuck me with the hood on anyway.  Bastard.

A little while later, He pulled the blankets back, and I gasped for air as if I were suffocating.  Truth be told, aside from my steadily rising panic, I was fine.

When He was finished, He told me to go get a toy.  I was already dripping down my leg when I ran for the Siena Rondo.  I giggled as I remembered the Desitin smell, then climbed on the bed and slid it between my legs.

It’s big.  And filling.  And firm.  And wrinkly.  And oh, so, good.  I wanted to draw it out.  But I enjoyed it entirely too much.

Wonder if I can talk Him into letting me use it again today.  Maybe I’ll offer to wear the hood while He fucks me in return.

I’m not gonna be able to do this review without blushing.

——–

Rayne’s song of the day:

Someday
Rob Thomas

You can go
You can start all over again
You can try to find a way to make another day go by
You can hide
Hold all your feelings inside
You can try to carry on when all you want to do is cry

And maybe someday
We’ll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to make things better now and
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow
Someday

Now wait
And try to find another mistake
If you throw it all away then maybe you can change your mind
You can run, oh
And when everything is over and done
You can shine a little light on everything around you
Man it’s good to be someone

And I don’t want to wait
I just want to know
I just want to hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

Cause maybe someday
We’ll figure all this out
We’ll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now and
Maybe someday we’ll live our lives out loud
We’ll be better off somehow
Someday

Cause sometimes we don’t really notice
Just how good it can get
So maybe we should start all over
Start all over again

Categories: rayne Tags:
  1. darkmystress
    March 7th, 2010 at 21:14 | #1

    hey rayne! i just wanted to say that i love that song! btw…i am an avid follower….and was curious how everything worked out with you and your kids? i remember reading the post a few months ago…hope everything is good now!

  2. March 8th, 2010 at 11:29 | #2

    @darkmystress Good song, right? Things are as good as can be expected all things considered. Thanks for reading, commenting and your concern. 🙂

  3. alwaysHistora
    March 8th, 2010 at 12:55 | #3

    The hood. *shudder* Good luck with that. It scares the hell outta me.

  4. dweaver999
    March 9th, 2010 at 14:47 | #4

    Rayne,

    I used to have this fear of allowing myself to be dominant because I was terrified of being the abuser my dad was. I also used to never let myself view myself as a male who enjoyed pain and sensation play. I suspect that was because I somehow viewed any ammount of masochism as being submissive, and I’m definately not submissive. I say this to say that I do understand your fears when you read her blog. Mine weren’t the same fears as you’re experiencing, but they were there and they were in the way of my being true to myself.

    You said, “He relishes each and every one of them,” refering to your screams. Isn’t that the most important thing, right there? The man you love, and to whom you’ve chosen enslavement, gets a kick out of you screams of pain, fear, pleasure, whatever. I understand what’s going through your mind; you’re afraid that, once he takes you into the depths of the pain and terror he enjoys, that you’ll start to believe that he doesn’t love you. That would terrify anyone; starting to believe that the person they love most doesn’t love them.

    I would encourage you to actively push for going to something like Spank. This thing you fear is something you need to experience, even if just once. You need to know whether you will cross over to that terrifying place and what returning from it will feel like. Both you and Melen want to be where that girl you read and her Master are at. You both may decide aterwards that you won’t go there again. But, if you don’t try at least once, you’ll be what I was before I allowed myself to express my kinky sides; incomplete.

    This is probably far more advice than you wanted or expected. I expect it’s part of being a teacher. Take what you need and ignore the rest.

    And, since it’s question month:

    1) What’s your most/least favorite pain toy when it’s used on you?

    2) Have you ever done electric play of any kind? If so, what did you think about it? If not, do you want to at some point?

    3) What celeb do you fantasize the most about Melen lending you to, and how does he or she use you in your thoughts?

    Dave

    PS you being fucked in the hood, is HOT!

  5. March 9th, 2010 at 18:44 | #5

    @dweaver999 This thing you fear is something you need to experience, even if just once. You need to know whether you will cross over to that terrifying place and what returning from it will feel like. Both you and Melen want to be where that girl you read and her Master are at.

    I know. That’s what puts the burning lump of coal in my stomach.

Comments are closed.
%d bloggers like this: