Archive for March, 2010

Panic Attacks, Nightmares, and Long Forgotten Memories

March 30th, 2010 6 comments

I’m not doing so hot.

Somehow I’m managing to remain (mostly) well-behaved, but I’m not doing so hot.

The nightmares are back.  I had an awesome two-day panic attack with no real indication of the cause.  Except maybe my period.  I suppose that would make some sort of sense.

There we go.  That’s it.  My period is kicking my ass.

I mean, it probably is, right?  Read more…

Categories: Rayne Tags:

My Idea of Torture is not His Idea of Torture

March 29th, 2010 2 comments

i’ll set the scene for everyone: two exhausted parents, with way too much stuff to do and not enough time to do it, finally convince someone to take the kids for a night. This is on par with the planets aligning in a straight line.  Whatever do you think they will do whilst the children are away?

I can assure you of this: it ain’t sleeping.

That’s right, I conned sweet-talked my dad into taking all three of the anklebiters for a night so The Man and i could finally relate to each other on a plane different than Dad and Mom. When i got back from dropping them off, i was elated and anxious, if i’d had a tail i would have been wagging it so hard it would have hit me in the nose.  i’d been asking for a beating like no other…one that would leaving me snuffling and slumped, twitching and walking like an old grandma for a few days. It’s been a long time since a beating like that. i’d been craving one for quite some time and was hoping that this could be my chance to relish getting the snot whomped outta me.

We puttered in the garage, cutting paddles out and sanding them down, laughing and enjoying the camaraderie.  Went inside, He tells me to get the razor: it was time to ‘shear the sheep’ as i so delicately put it.  So He shaves me, and oh, it is such a trust building activity, to let Him get near my nether-parts with a sharp vibrating blade, without trembling in fear or squirming to close my legs from the detached appraising look He has when judging if the job is done. They both are so… invading, so intimate. Remember that word, kids: we will be revisiting it. Anyway, i bounce off to the shower and shave the rest of me, towel off, and start arranging myself into the corset and stocking He picked out. Suddenly we realize that it’s quite late for me to be making a delish supper, so i put on a long skirt, did up my make-up and off to town we went, for supper and drinks. Read more…

Categories: Sojourners Tags:

Being a disappointment makes me feel like shit.

March 25th, 2010 9 comments

I was leaning over the dining room chair, the palm of my right hand resting on my mouse as I tried to put on a new episode of Boston Legal.  He was sitting on the couch, leaning toward me, crop in hand, assaulting my ass and thighs.

I knew that if I could just get the episode started and sit down, He’d stop.  Mostly.  But every time I’d work the cursor over to the play button, He’d speed up, or hit me harder, and I’d miss again and have to start all over.

Without even thinking, I leaped out of reach and put the chair between us.  And then that horrible “D” word fell from His lips.

“That’s disappointing.  You’re just going to take yourself away from me? That’s… disappointing.”

I have a bunch of friends who scoff at their owner’s disappointment.  They feel like it’s no big deal.  Bully for them.  Being a disappointment makes me feel like shit.

I’m a slave.  Owned property.  And I am what I am because I asked to be, not because anyone forced me to be.  With that comes expectations I am supposed to try my damnedest to live up to.  If Master is disappointed in me, I fell short of meeting those expectations.  If it were unintentional… If I was doing my best, and just wasn’t capable of doing what He asked of me, that would be a different story.  But when it’s simply disobedience? Read more…

Categories: Rayne Tags:

Short and Simple

March 24th, 2010 2 comments

I need to destress.  That’s no joke.  I don’t even know what I’m stressed about.

I spend the better part of my days staring off into space.  Or clicking the Stumble button over and over.  And over.  Without even pausing to really see what I’m looking at.  I barely take half a second to read anything before flitting away to read something else.  I never, ever read anything all the way through.  If something doesn’t grab my attention somehow, I won’t even attempt to become interested.  And it all feels like avoidance.

Avoidance? What could I possibly be avoiding? I’ll get back to you on that, cause really, I have no clue.

M and I are rarely in sync these days.  When I’m in a good mood, He’s not, and vice versa.  The same goes for sex, pain play, humiliation play, temperature, tiredness, and so on.  It’s like someone scrambled one of us.  It’s probably because my period’s coming, and the last one was ridiculously mild.  I’m not allowed mild periods, and in the rare event that I get one, I pay for them dearly.

The cool thing for Him (and not so cool thing for me… sometimes) is that I don’t have to be in the same mood as Him for Him to do what He wants.  I bet it gets tiring, though, having to drag me, kicking and screaming, to whatever place He happens to be in.

All that’s from yesterday.  Yesterday I was in a shit mood.  Today started out good, but being tired and a little hungover is steadily killing that.  And it’s only 9:40.  It’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

M decided the remedy to my shit mood, yesterday, was a beating and some sex.  Works for me! Maybe my steadily declining mood will get me bent over His desk today.  That would be hot.

I’ve not been in a writing mood.  Can you tell? There are probably a million and one reasons.  Right now, we’ll just leave it at “I’m not in a writing mood.”

Categories: Rayne Tags:

e[lust] #10

March 24th, 2010 Comments off

HNT Courtesy of Babe Lincoln

Welcome to e[lust] – The 10th edition! Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #11? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

Negotiation – Not Nearly As Awkward As Having a Breakdown in PublicAll the worries about getting to know a new person (“Am I dressed ok?  Are they gonna like my stories about my grandma?”) get exaggerated when you’re talking about sex and desire…

Dollar Store DommeHe definitely can’t elude the dollops of toothpaste I dab onto his nipples. It takes a delicious second before he feels the cool burn penetrate his flesh. By that time I’m already up and selecting a plastic spatula from the credenza.

The Best of Both Worlds or Lost in Limbo?Whether intentional or unthinking, bisexual denial is a frustrating thing for bisexual, pansexual or ‘fluid’ people to have to deal with.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Navigating Genderqueer in SuburbiaBut pray tell how do the rest of us navigate it? How the hell am I supposed to know if you identify as male or just like dressing like one?

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

The Daddy Issue: Sexualizing AbuseI needed to walk through this fear, and turn it into pleasure. I needed to prove to myself that he hadn’t broken me. That he hadn’t changed who I was to become. That I was not affected by what he did. That he didn’t abuse me.

See also: Pleasurists #69 and #70 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!  Read more…

Categories: Rayne Tags:

Tora Trivia

March 24th, 2010 1 comment

i figured for this go around, i’d share some random tidbits of useless information about me. This is your cue to click the red x in the right upper corner of your screen if i bore you. 🙂

  • i am cross-hand dominant. No, this does not mean i am more likely to beat you with my left hand than my right. It means that i am right handed and my left eye is my dominant eye. This causes problems when doing hand-eye intensive activities such as firing weapons, beading and throwing the ball. It’s something you can teach yourself out of, i normally just work around it.
  • i love to eat most kinds of sushi (nigiri and edo style) but i cannot stand to eat cooked fish.
  • i like dogs. As long as they belong to someone else.
  • i am an ex-cutter, and unlike most ex-cutters into BDSM, i hate the idea of scarification and any activities involving cutting or scratching me.
  • i used to speak German.
  • i conquered my years-long battle with Major Chronic Depression without resigning myself to use of long-term drugs.
  • i have 8 siblings, 2 full-blooded and 6 half-blooded, but i am only in touch with the two full-blooded siblings.
  • i have a fear of horses, but i am learning to ride.
  • i love bagpipes. Music centered around bagpipes makes me shiver and melt.
  • Arrogant Dominant people make me smirk and want to push their buttons to see how long before they explode. Confident quiet Dominants make me a little wobbly in the knees and more eager to please.
  • i have written 1/4 of a novel, but i am not sure i will ever finish it.
  • i am not particularly crushed by disappointing my Owner. If beaten over the head with the concept, i am more likely to care less about the disappointment and more about wanting to beat the hell out of whoever is lecturing me about it.
  • i was a druggy geek in middle and high school. i spent most of my senior year drunk or recovering from being drunk. i still graduated with honors.
  • Even in a committed O/p relationship, i am afraid of being released for lack of beauty or usefulness.
  • Being forced near a spider will make me cry.

There. Don’t you wish you had closed the screen when i warned you earlier?

If you want to know anything more about me, i’ll answer. Just ask! The only thing off limits are specific questions about the rugrats (what are their names, what do they look like) and questions meant to “out” me or the family. Other than that, anything goes!

Categories: Sojourners Tags: