I was in the process of simplifying our life.  And by “our”, I mean “my”.  We’re still having to decide which bills to pay and when, but we were getting caught up.  So we picked a bill, bought M some much needed new work clothes and a new winter coat, and prayed.

What’s saddest of all? The $50 we spent on His new work clothes was enough to make it impossible to pay the other bill.  But we figured it was just ten days, and we’d be fine, so we bought some other things we needed.  Like food.  And dishes.  I mean, once you’re fucked, you’re fucked, right?

After only three days of being late on the electric bill, they’re threatening to shut us off.  He gets paid in four business days and they don’t want to push it back.  I don’t dispute that we owe money and that we’re often late.  But we always pay, and is four business days really so much to ask of a billion dollar corporation?

I wanna be rich so I can put solar panels on my roof and not have to deal with the electric company. 

I kind of lost my mind a little bit in the shower, yesterday.  It’s been so long since I’ve let that kind of panic run free that it just about consumed me.  I’m not really sure what helped me get it under control.  Maybe the invisible person I was talking to when my voice would work.

I hopped a bus to meet M at His office and ride home with Him, and the day just got worse from there.  My phone wasn’t working right (In truth, that it’s lasted this long, after its swim in the mop bucket almost two years ago, is a minor miracle.).  The shuttle drove right past me without even so much as looking at the stop.  I’m almost out of minutes with no way of refilling my phone, and half the time the 1 button isn’t working so M’s number kept going in wrong.  (And heaven forbid I do something like use my contacts list while this is happening to at least quell some of the absolute rage that was creeping from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.)

More than once, I just barely was able to keep from snapping the thing in half or chucking it into the street.  But it was rush hour, and all the rich corporate people take that road, so I’d have definitely been arrested if one of them even so much as ran over the thing.  And if I actually hit their car? Can you imagine?

Because the shuttle didn’t stop, and the one we called to bring us back out to the main road drove so slowly, we almost missed the last bus before 7pm.  At 5pm… We’d have been stranded almost two hours.

I drank myself to sleep last night.  If I can stomach tequila and whiskey (which is about all we have left), I might do it again tonight.  Old habits, and all.

I probably shouldn’t be sharing any of this.  But it’s really all I’ve got.  I’m so damned scared.  I don’t want to eat, and drinking is almost painful.

This… This should be considered terrorism.  Holding people hostage with things they need to survive.  Utility companies should all be arrested and tried for this crime.