Home > Uncategorized > Uh-oh becomes A-ha Part 2

Uh-oh becomes A-ha Part 2

February 5th, 2010

The time between the epiphany of Part 1 and now was rough and off-balance for me. i struggled with figuring out what i was feeling, so that i could tell him without sounding like some deranged window-licker off its meds. (Heh, me 5 years ago)

i was trying to express very internal emotions of betrayal, isolation, stagnation and frustration. i wanted to scream and cry and throw myself at His feet, demanding that He just read my mind (don’t they learn that at the super secret european dom training manor?) and fix me.  Preferably while i was sleeping, so that i didn’t have to feel a thing. Yeah, that’s gonna happen. So instead i retreated inside, trying to sort out these half-buried, explosive thoughts, while treading the surface on the outside, going through the motions of slavery while my mind was out to lunch. And, true to His form, He stepped back and waited it out. Which drives me absolutely batshit crazy, because it feels as though He’s retreating from me, giving up on me. Damnit, if He wants the body, He’s saddled with the mind! The more i pressed Him to react, to assert His will as i wanted it the more He stood firm and refused to engage me on it. So i dug my heels in deeper and started to buck the reins. And He never let me slip them, but He didn’t tighten them, either.

Finally salvation came to me via kaya’s blogpost “Absolute Power” . It gave me a frame of expression. See, the thing i had been grappling with, unable to fully voice but feeling the cutting edge all too well, was that i was slowly being ground away. He was getting all too familiar with me going that extra mile to please Him, and i was slowly eroding my sanity to hold shit together. His absolute power was cozying up to the corruption line. i knew that if things weren’t adjusted, i would be back on meds to help me keep chemically sane. And i’m wondering how He couldn’t see that coming. Or maybe why He didn’t care.

He had gleefully abandoned the few household chores He had.  i had shouldered them without complaint,  just another grey hair in my ponytail, another wrinkle on my tired face. Hey, i mean, what did He get a slave for? Sure as shit wasn’t to keep doing the catbox Himself, right? What’s another chore on my list when i’m a stay at home slave with three kids under the age of 5? Hell, He’s God in this house, why should He deign to lift a finger? That’s what underlings are for!!

So i finally came to Him and said (paraphrased) “i’m going crazy trying to do everything under this load. If You won’t change anything, i will need meds. i understand You da Boss, but i can only do so much more before i give out. At this moment, i am serving because i have no choice, not because i love to.”

He considered everything, explained to me why somethings couldn’t change, but did arrange to change a few other things so that i could have a little time to myself without the kids.  He’s going to step up on the jobs He had dumped on me.

Now that i’ve come clean, now that i’ve lanced that poisonous abscess of pain,  grief and hopelessness,  i’m feeling more like my old self. i’m not fully comfortable anymore. i’ve seen the edge of the abyss. i listened to the pebbles bounce down the walls. But now i know, that He will come for me when i fall. He will be patient with me when i need to lick my wounds and patch my tattered sanity back together.

And maybe, now that He’s seen what His absolute power can destructively do, He’ll be a bit wiser in its application. i can only hope so.

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  1. February 6th, 2010 at 15:49 | #1

    It’s good to know they care about our well-being, huh?

  2. alwaysHistora
    February 6th, 2010 at 20:57 | #2

    Yes, it is relieving and comforting. Just so damned angry with myself that it took such a huge fuck-up on both our parts for me to realize such a basic truth. *rolls eyes*

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