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M’s Eureka Moment and Verbal Commands

February 3rd, 2010

So let’s see…

I slid backwards a bit, this weekend.  I was disobedient and disrespectful.  But it led to what appears to be a pretty big eureka moment for Master.

When things finally calmed down, He told me I was going to be punished for my behavior.  Then He said, “But if I beat you, you might get some tears and cry a little bit.  But you’ll still get horny, huh?”

And I kind of blinked at Him for a second and then nodded.

“So in that case, don’t touch Twitter at all, today, and you’re not allowed to use your PDA unless we read before bed for a week.”

Suck.

The whole situation was really stupid.  I mean, Master was right to be mad.  I was disobedient.  That I made it spin as far out of control as it did was the stupid part.

I’m still kind of reeling from it.  I always feel like an asshole after arguing with Him.  Especially when I finally calm down and He points out all the ways I could have made my point respectfully.  And even more so when He still makes a point to address my issue even though I was a cunt about it.

I’m having nightmares because of it.  Sunday night, I dreamed Master gave me away to some random dominant who was really rather creepy.  In behaviors, not aesthetics.  Last night, I dreamed He told me to give Him some breathing room.  I immediately woke up.  It was so real.  Almost as if we had been having a conversation and exhaustion overtook me and those words woke me up.  I had to ask Him whether or not it was a dream this morning.

That’s stupid, too.  Master’s not a quitter and He’s quite the pack-rat.  If He lost interest in the romantic part of our relationship, He’d just keep me for the rest of it and find someone else to fulfill that part of His life.  And He’d never ask for breathing room.  He enjoys having His partner so close He can’t breathe.  That’s part of why He keeps me on lock-down.

I’m not doing so well with ignoring my paranoia.  But I’m also just rounding the last bend in the road out of PMSville.  So I’ll just chalk it up to that and hope it gets better as the days pass.

I dropped a Stoneware cereal bowl on my foot last night.  Nothing appears to be broken, but it’s bruised pretty good and hurts like a son of a bitch.  I can’t sit in my favorite positions because it makes my entire leg hurt.  Which means, naturally, that every time I go to the bathroom I accidentally kick the wall or the sink.  If it’s not broken now, it will be by the end of the week.

Master’s talking about training me to respond to verbal commands.  And I’m thinking to myself, “Don’t I already do that?” But He’s talking about things like “heel” and “freeze” and… Well, and those are the only examples He’s given me so far.

I’ve gotta get over feeling silly about things like that.

I think that’s all I’ve got, today.

<3

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  1. February 2nd, 2010 at 11:38 | #1

    The type of verbal training I’m referring to are command words that will result in you immediately stopping whatever you’re doing, silencing yourself, and getting into a specific position until otherwise released.

    You still spend too much time thinking about my orders rather than simply following them. This will be an attempt to correct that.

  2. February 2nd, 2010 at 12:02 | #2

    @Melen Oh, hey, that makes sense. Thank you, Master. 🙂

  3. February 2nd, 2010 at 15:09 | #3

    Rayne (and Melen),

    I think your Master has hit on something here (more than one, actually). Since you like pain to a certain extent, it makes sense that pain as a punishment won’t be as effective (I recently aquired an e-book where that came up). I’m reminded of a parenting book I read once that emphasised that it’s perfectly alright to have different punishments for different kids. In my own childhood, sending me to my room was a reward, not a punishment, as that’s where all my books were. I can certianly see how being barred from twitter and such would be so effective for you.

    The one word commands make sense to me as well. Normally we think of using such things with our pets (and you’re Melen’s pet, right?); and their goal is very much like what Melen said above, to create an immediate responce in the animal. One of my roommate’s dogs is so sensitive to the word “no” that she cowers when the other dogs are being corrected. Of course, another dog, I suspect, pretends to be hard of hearing at times, since he can hear the can opener just fine, thank you.

    As for our internal paranioas? It took me decades after I realisex my dad’s threats were all hot air to no longer be afraid he’d follow through with them. You have an advantage, as it’s easier to make yourself trust in someone you live with and love, than it is to make yourelf trust that someone you don’t trust won’t really hurt you. I suspect, what you’re feeling may be, partially, your street survival skills not realising they aren’t needed with Melen. You trusted those instincts for quite a while, for good reason. That they’re hard to let go of now, shouldn’t be a surprise.

    Dave

  4. February 2nd, 2010 at 16:23 | #4

    @dweaver999 Oh, He’s definitely on the right track. I’m just not always excited about change. But I’ll be better for it, I’m sure.

    As for the paranoias, you’re probably right. It’s probably got a lot to do with my past.

  5. February 4th, 2010 at 08:44 | #5

    I practically never use pain as punishment. I prefer withdrawl of privileges, corner time, difficult and/or mundane tasks and chores.

    On the one word thing, I like it, I tend however to do the same as I do with dogs, click and point. Works across the board from “come sit here”, to “go get me coffee” 🙂

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