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Driving and navigating

February 2nd, 2010

DK will sometimes compare me to his car. He doesn’t do it to say he doesn’t care, he does it to point out that I am there to serve a purpose. I am a working part of his life, not a cherished pet that just gets fed and cuddled.

This analogy bleeds into life. In terms of the relationship, he drives. He decides where we go. Occasionally, I am allowed to help navigate. I am allowed to point out potential traffic blackspots and warn him about roadblocks. It is, however, up to him what route we take.

Whether he does round those roadblocks or just smashes through them and then fixes the car up after getting past it. He decides whether the scenery after the traffic blackspot is worth waiting while the traffic clears… Am I taking this too far?

Basically, he decides on a path for our relationship. If he tells me about it or I recognise where we’re going, I will give him my input. If I foresee an emotional roadblock, I tell him. He chooses whether to dismantle it brick by brick or whether to drive through it. Driving through it may damage the car but he’s my mechanic. Dismantling it slowly delays the journey and the car just sits there idling. If he stopped and broke down every issue I have with teeny baby steps, I’d be frustrated and we wouldn’t be on the path I agreed to. Of course the other part of that is I know that part of his plan is a complete rebuild of this vehicle. It’s Trigger with a broom all over again. “This old brooms had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time.” Same broom or not the same broom? Doesn’t matter… It’s his car, I mean broom.

Sometimes, I am promoted to navigator. If I have a better grip on where we are, what’s ahead, how to get there, all the blocks and pitfalls, he’ll ask me to route-plan. He gives me a goal, I aim the car at it, then let him drive.

We’re at that stage now. We took a wrong turn. He wants me to show him one or two ways back to the road we were on and then he’ll take the map off me again. I have a problem, though.

I can’t read maps. Need more explanation? OK.

I have enormous difficulty striking a balance between my crazy emotional side and my hyper-rational side. If I’m trying to work out a plan, I get too literal and I need every single detail. When talking about plans for relationships, that doesn’t work. The other extreme is that I get overly emotional and just end up in an emotional hurricane where I can’t form rational thoughts.

Striking that balance is my objective. Working out where we are is next. He’ll help me with that. He’ll turn my map up the right way and say “we came off here, we want to be back there. figure it out, cunt”

Eventually, I will work it out, I will suggest one or two routes… Then I will… Uhm… Give up… The wheel? Nah. This time I’m keeping hold. I don’t want to work out where we are. If I work out where we are, he’ll take control again and we’ll keep going.

It’s scary because of the recent changes. I’m not sure he knows where our final destination is. The hyper-rational part of me says that we still have to go a long-ass way down that original road before the route changes so let’s get going but the other part is wheel-spinning into the mud, refusing to go until I know the final destination.

Then what? Turn round? Yeah. That’ll work. Steer elsewhere? Nope. Break down? He’ll push me. Throw myself into walls? He’ll fix me. There’s a line from a Save Ferris song that springs to mind.

“You’re on the ride now so you might as well open up your eyes”

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