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Negotiation and limits

January 28th, 2010

In the repsonses to kitti’s blog on consent (or lack thereof)  was a mention of negotiations and limits. Between us we dealt with negotiation and limits the same we dealt with the idea of consent. I ignored it to all intents and purposes.  There was no set out negotiation, that was kind of dealt with before we even started talking to each other, by way of a quick thing I posted over on fetlife and her response to it.

Negotiation is, according to the dictionary, “mutual discussion and arrangement of the terms of a transaction or agreement”. The key word there is “mutual”, it gives a very strong implication that negotiating should be a two way street, all interested parties compromising on an acceptable middle ground. So perhaps I should say we never negotiated anything, I simply dictated the terms of any potential relationship. Any negotiation was limited to blanket acceptance or blanket refusal on her part, from the very beginning I was determined there would be no compromise on any aspect I considered important.

Whilst twisting the consent issue I was also bypassing the whole negotiation process, making it redundant. As she had expressed an interest or belief in being a no-limits object, I never gave her opportunity to mention or think of any such limits. It was repeated often that things would be how I wanted them to be, I would treat her and use her just as I wished.

It was long after we had agreed she was owned that the first mention of a limit ever came up, even then it was not a hard one, simply a case of “I would rather not” and “I can’t see how any benefit outweighs the risk”. Luckily for her I was in agreement on the subject.  From almost the start of our talking, I allowed her to talk about her wants, her needs, her likes, more than a few of which I already knew from her lists on fetlife, but any mention of a dislike got a response along the lines of “Do you think that makes any difference?”

Safe words were discounted from the very start.  She thought they placed control in the wrong hands, I agreed with that. I also think they demonstrate a lack of trust. Twice now she has been pushed to the point where I have had to stop, both times I stopped because of what I perceived, not because she wanted me to.  She learned very fast that I could be trusted to stop when I deemed it necessary, regardless of her feelings or desires for an earlier stop.

There was a fair bit of discussion about negative triggers, again each one was met with “it will make no difference, when I want to push it I will”. Not if, but when. It was made clear that every one of her negative triggers was to be just another tool I could and would use to destroy her inner being ready for rebuilding as I wished. Limits would only be ones of my morality, and she was told repeatedly that my morals were very different from most folks, and often a lot more flexible too.

So, there we are, a relationship where the word “no” occurs often, no limits, no safe word, no consent, no freedom, no privacy, no right to leave, no right to say no.

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