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Negotiation and limits

January 28th, 2010 Comments off

In the repsonses to kitti’s blog on consent (or lack thereof)  was a mention of negotiations and limits. Between us we dealt with negotiation and limits the same we dealt with the idea of consent. I ignored it to all intents and purposes.  There was no set out negotiation, that was kind of dealt with before we even started talking to each other, by way of a quick thing I posted over on fetlife and her response to it.

Negotiation is, according to the dictionary, “mutual discussion and arrangement of the terms of a transaction or agreement”. The key word there is “mutual”, it gives a very strong implication that negotiating should be a two way street, all interested parties compromising on an acceptable middle ground. So perhaps I should say we never negotiated anything, I simply dictated the terms of any potential relationship. Any negotiation was limited to blanket acceptance or blanket refusal on her part, from the very beginning I was determined there would be no compromise on any aspect I considered important.

Whilst twisting the consent issue I was also bypassing the whole negotiation process, making it redundant. As she had expressed an interest or belief in being a no-limits object, I never gave her opportunity to mention or think of any such limits. It was repeated often that things would be how I wanted them to be, I would treat her and use her just as I wished.

It was long after we had agreed she was owned that the first mention of a limit ever came up, even then it was not a hard one, simply a case of “I would rather not” and “I can’t see how any benefit outweighs the risk”. Luckily for her I was in agreement on the subject.  From almost the start of our talking, I allowed her to talk about her wants, her needs, her likes, more than a few of which I already knew from her lists on fetlife, but any mention of a dislike got a response along the lines of “Do you think that makes any difference?”

Safe words were discounted from the very start.  She thought they placed control in the wrong hands, I agreed with that. I also think they demonstrate a lack of trust. Twice now she has been pushed to the point where I have had to stop, both times I stopped because of what I perceived, not because she wanted me to.  She learned very fast that I could be trusted to stop when I deemed it necessary, regardless of her feelings or desires for an earlier stop.

There was a fair bit of discussion about negative triggers, again each one was met with “it will make no difference, when I want to push it I will”. Not if, but when. It was made clear that every one of her negative triggers was to be just another tool I could and would use to destroy her inner being ready for rebuilding as I wished. Limits would only be ones of my morality, and she was told repeatedly that my morals were very different from most folks, and often a lot more flexible too.

So, there we are, a relationship where the word “no” occurs often, no limits, no safe word, no consent, no freedom, no privacy, no right to leave, no right to say no.

Categories: Sojourners Tags: No tags for this post.

Mama always said, “Stupid is as stupid does.”

January 28th, 2010 5 comments

I got in trouble this week.

I didn’t get punished, but that’s because we decided we were starting over, and I hadn’t broken this particular rule yet.  And probably because my breaking the rule was both unintentional and altruistic.

The offense was speaking to a man in private without first asking permission.  And I’m sorry to say that I’ve tripped over this rule a lot in the past.  I allowed my damnable pride to come before my owner’s wishes.  And that’s really unacceptable.

This time, though, it was my lack of common sense that got the better of me.  Master was on the phone with a major customer and was much too busy to mute it and answer me, first of all.  The message was BDSM related and, while it did require me talking about myself, it was purely for informational purposes.  I didn’t think to shoot M a message or wait until He was off the phone.  I just answered the question.  It was a technical question, not a personal one.  It couldn’t hurt, right?

Well… See… When the rule is “Do not speak to males in private without permission.” that means, “Not even if your/their motives are altruistic.”  And I’ve been exacerbating it by arguing with Master.  Asking questions like, “Wouldn’t it just make more sense to give me permission?” or making statements like, “I’m just going to change my profile to say I’m not allowed to talk to males ever cause you never say yes.”

The truth of the matter is, I rarely remember to ask.  And when I do, He usually says, “See what he wants but keep it short.”  And that’s usually because I have things to do.  And because He’s territorial.  And because He knows that if I’m interested in a woman, I’m interested for both of us, but if I’m interested in a man, the most He’ll get out of it is getting to watch me be used like the piece of cunt that I am.  And maybe He’ll be able to participate in my degradation.  But beyond that, He’s not really interested in me having ties to other men without Him first getting to know them.  Read more…

Categories: Rayne Tags: