Archive for January 24th, 2010

You should be patting me on the back! Being this neurotic’s hard work!

January 24th, 2010 4 comments

I’ve never really been one for New Year’s resolutions.  I get the whole “new year, new slate” philosophy, and it’s awesome in theory.  But when it comes right down to it, not many people believe that.  And those who do usually only mean it for themselves, and not the people who may or may not have wronged them in the dying year.

But after last night, I decided I definitely need new goals.  Ones that won’t interfere with Master’s training in any way.  That will probably help it along.  And will just plain make me feel better.  Happier.  More confident.

A while back I realized I was part of my problem.  I admitted I wasn’t really giving this relationship an honest shot.  I wasn’t really trying.  And I talked about my addiction to misery and how I won’t allow myself to be happy.

And for the most part, I’ve been trying to change all that.  But there are things that I really haven’t even attempted to change.  Things that I talk about and make evident when I ramble, but that I, in my mind, completely ignore.  I pass it off as “normal” even though I know it’s not.  At least, not to the extent I take it.

I’ve, mostly, let go of my self-hatred.  I mean, thirty years of despising myself won’t just go away because I decided it should.  I still trip, occasionally.  But I’m getting better.  I’ve even decided that M’s right.  I should only be worried about getting healthy, not necessarily losing weight.  I look good, even if I am fat.  I just need to find somewhere to shop that has flattering clothing rather than the flowing, shapeless garbage and empire waists I see everywhere.

My biggest problem, lately, is my paranoia and social phobias.  It’s getting out of control.  If last night wasn’t a clear indication, I don’t know what was.

We went to Master’s company party last night.  And we had a blast.  Like, seriously.  Our table was almost the only group of people in the place laughing.  People were stealing other people’s seats the second they got up to sit with us.  We were the “fun” table.

What’s funnier? We were also the “engineering” table.  Engineers aren’t supposed to be rowdy! They’re definitely never known as the “fun” table.  I mean, you’re lucky if they even go to company-wide functions.  Even in a company with as few employees as Master’s has.  Engineers in any line of work aren’t exactly known as social people.  Read more…

Categories: Rayne Tags:

Work interferes, and an update on resolutions

January 24th, 2010 1 comment

It’s been over a week since I wrote Updates, G-spots and Resolutions, so I figured I’d write some updates. In short, I’m not doing too good at keeping them, thanks to my neverending work days, but it hasn’t been a total loss.

I did get a chance to take some pictures of rayne, and I’m hoping to take some more of her today (before, during, and post being beat with the knotty cat). I’m not having much luck with the twice a week resolution, but it’s still an improvement.

My blogging resolution is doing much better. This will be my second post in the past couple of weeks, which is a huge improvement over my normal once a year posting.

Everything else is still suffering, except for consistency. Despite my constantly busy work schedule, I’m still working on keeping my relationship with rayne fairly consistent. I’ve had to put off some of what I’ve wanted to do (such as the beating with the cat that she’ll be getting today), but for the most part I’ve been consistent with my expectations of her.

Which really brings me to something I had rayne post about already, which is that I work so much.

The company I work for has gone through alot of changes. I’ve always been a hard worker, which set the bar high for me from the beginning. In some ways, I did this to myself.

Read more…

Categories: Blogs, Melen Tags: